Music is my Therapy

FEAR was heavy. I love it, I feel it but it was intense. It's uncomfortably close to what life has been feeling like for me this past year. I've been listening to the song FEAR on repeat especially when some stuff happened this weekend that made me really upset and feeling very alone, overlooked, uncared for and abandoned. It made me think "I have NO ONE. No one who really cares about me. I'm told things to my face and then forgotten about the second they walk out of the room. So, I'm done. I'm done reaching out and sounding super desperate. I'll just do it on my own, like always."  So yeah. Not feeling in the best of spirits. Been making lots of selfish mistakes, binge eating my feelings away and isolating. SO. In an effort to feel a little better, I've decided to do another listening party! It's holiday time and I want to enjoy all the Christmas music while I can because I'm ready for it! I haven't listened to my faves BRAND NEW Chri...

It's been a while... But I had to come back and do a "live listening party reaction" post for NF's *NEW* EP FEAR!!  It just dropped today and I just finished listening to the HOPE album so I'm extremely interested to see where this is going...I spent the last two weeks binge listening to all of Nate's past albums/EP's so I feel like I'm ready to pick up on all the easter eggs and connections that may be present. FEAR: YES! THIS IS WHAT I WANTED!! I probably shouldn't, but I do. First off, this is soooo different and I'm OBSESSED. The singing, the whole vibe. YES.   I haven't been doing well mentally (what's new right?) and it's been affecting me more than ever. I keep telling myself I need to say something, but I won't. Stupid pride. There's also just a lot going on in my family's life right now, I don't want to be another burden to add to the weight of what my parents specifically have been carrying with all year. ...

Song: Spending Christmas Together Artist: Mat & Savanna Shaw Had a great night celebrating the Christmas season with my family! The night was fun; we ate good food, listened to festive music, played fun games and decorated gingerbread houses. But now, here alone at the end of the night...I feel sad. I miss how Christmas used to be. When siblings teamed up for gingerbread house competitions...not spouses, partners and me and my dad. I miss getting ready for bed with my sisters, chatting and giggling into the early hours of the morning. I miss hearing my brothers sneak out of their rooms to play video games late into the night. I miss how things used to be. Everything is different now. It's hard to see it change. I can't see change as a good thing and I know I need to, I should. I'm grateful I still can celebrate Christmas with most of my family still but...it's just not the same. I miss the Christmases of my past, spent with ALL of my family. Together. Just us. It ...

Song: Slow Down Christmas Artist: Jim Brickman & Ruben Studdard New song I just listened to for the first time yesterday. I enjoyed it quite a lot. I'm really going to try to be more intentional and really immerse myself in Christmas. I've been way too sad and depressed lately where I'm not even trying anymore. I'm going to try to wake up early each day to read, watch, listen to anything and everything Christmas related! I miss feeling happy and excited about the holidays, especially Christmas! I swear, the past two years I've done more during the Halloween/Fall season then I have at Christmas time! Christmas has just been hard for me since 2021. 🖤🐾💔 It's not the same and never will be again. I've been thinking about that a lot lately....how everything will never be the same again. It hurts my heart. But I need to try and move on like everyone else. I can't stay stuck the way I have for so many years. It's getting worse every day. And I'm...

Song: She Used to be Mine Artist: Sara Bareilles Still feeling very uninspired musically, but this is another theme song anthem of my life.  It's not simple to say That most days I don't recognize me That these shoes and this apron That place and its patrons Have taken more than I gave them It's not easy to know I'm not anything like I used to be Although it's true I was never attention's sweet center I still remember that girl She's imperfect, but she tries She is good, but she lies She is hard on herself She is broken and won't ask for help She is messy, but she's kind She is lonely most of the time She is all of this mixed up And baked in a beautiful pie She is gone, but she used to be mine And it's not what I asked for Sometimes life just slips in through a backdoor And carves out a person Who makes you believe it's all true And now I've got you And you're not what I asked for If I'm honest, I know I would give it all back Fo...

Song: (Everyone Has Someone) But All I've Got Is Me Artist: Nat King Cole Trio This song is me. It was me tonight at a family gathering where I sat single and alone while my sister and her husband sat together hand in hand, my brother and his girlfriend hosted us at their apartment, my other brother and his wife came and sat together and my other brother sat and texted with his girlfriend. And then of course my parents have each other. I'm trying not to let it make me upset and jealous but I guess I'm too prideful. I found myself wanting to leave. I don't even want to be around my own siblings anymore, I feel too insecure and depressed. I'm the only one; the only one without a S/O. And I don't see that ever changing. I don't know how to go on, I'm so far behind everyone else. It's embarrassing. I'm just really sad and sorry for myself right now. Deal with it.

Song: Hungry For Life  Artist: Bad Wolves feat. Chris Daughtry Another life anthem! 🔥👊 I know I usually feature this tone and style of music during October, but I'm feeling it today. Trying to get some sort of fire back under me to get me going again! I want to feel "hungry for life!"  Message wise, it's the more dramatic and intense version of Dying to be Alive which is always an inspiration banger! Go give Hanson some love and check it out! 🤎 Tell me how Tell me how I got nothing to say Tell me why Why my tombstone is blank 'Cause I'm not the one who won't try I'm not letting life pass me by Tell me when When the days are less gray Tell me where Is the road to less pain How many days Before I decay? It's getting so hard to get by Where are all my trophies in life? And he hated the way he was dying But the moment hе turned on the light He bеcame what he dreamt of at night when he was Young and hungry for life Set the sail To a place I can...

Song: He Prepares A Way Artist: Angie Killian & Blake Gillette As always....I'm in need of a re-set. And Sundays always feel like a good day to do so. Heard this song performed at church today. It was beautiful. I need to get back to the basics. I need to read my scriptures and put more time and thought into my prayers. I need to exercise faith and follow the example of Jesus Christ and keep the covenants I have made with Him more fully and honestly. I need to trust in His word and promises. He led Lehi and Sariah  To the promised land He gave light to Jared’s brother With His outstretched hand He heard and answered Enos Shielded Samuel on the wall Freed Amulek and Alma When He made their prison fall He prepares a way When we follow Him I’ll walk with faith And trust His light within My star in the sky My compass, my guide He prepares a way For me He gave power and protection To Abinadi Nurtured Helaman’s two-thousand At their mothers’ side He lifted Alma’s burdens Aided Abish...

Song: Beautiful Lie Artist: Goo Goo Dolls I really....dislike myself.  I know that's dark and heavy way to start off today's post but I'm so extremely disappointed in who I am. From the way I look, think, act and a myriad of other reasons I just feel so incredibly ashamed. And trust me, it's deserved. I'm not being "too hard on myself." I'm actually a brat. I'm actually selfish and judgmental and prideful. Welp. I don't know why I wrote all of that just now. But, here we are.  This song came out clear back in February and I have yet to listen to it! So that's what we're going to do today! I have to be honest, the word LIE in the title is what made me pick this song because....I told a small lie the other day and it's been haunting me all week and made me sick with dread and anxiety all day yesterday and today. It really was pretty "innocent" but a lie is a lie and I don't know why I did it. It was fueled by anxiety ...

Song: What Was I Made For? Artist: The Hound + The Fox Not feeling super inspired today....it's been a weird day and I just feel anxious. I know it's because I've been stressing and eating too much sugar. And it's because I keep telling little white lies because I'm so insecure with who I am. 😬😖 And now those "little white lies" are messing with me and causing me to panic. It's nothing crazy but....still. I don't know why I do it.  Also, my post-anything-I-get-excited-for-once-its-come-and-gone-depression is verrrrry real. I think I need help, this can't be healthy. I really enjoy and relate to the sentiment of this song and love this cover version. I used to float, now I just fall down I used to know, but I'm not sure now What I was made for What was I made for? Takin' a drive, I was an ideal Looked so alive, turns out I'm not real Just somethin' you paid for What was I made for? 'Cause I, I I don't know how to feel B...

The day we've been waiting for since August is HERE.... IT'S H A L L O W E E N ! !   🎃👻💀🦇🧛🧟🕸🧹✨ I wish I could say I've been having a most SPOOKTACULAR day but...that wouldn't be the truth. I have been very in tune with my costume this year...I've been an ANXIOUS wreck! This is ME 😭 Remember when I was having my little melt-down the other day about being embarrassed because I didn't have plans for tonight and I was anxious my employer would invite me to go trick-or-treating with her and her children and I felt prideful about that? Well, it's worse. She threw out the idea that, if I didn't have plans, I could go sit ALONE , in her house and pass out candy while/or hold her newborn while they go out.... COULD I BE MORE OF A LOSER OR WHAT!?! I don't want to do either of those things but I didn't know what to say in the moment so I was just kinda like "Oh yeah....maybe....if I don't go to this free haunted house that I know of...

Song(s): Lone Wolf & Monster Mash Artist(s): Egzod & Wasiu & The Misfits & John Cafiero I can't believe Halloween is this week!! 🎃👻💀🧛🧟 I'm excited but at the same time, can't help but feel a little....sad and anxious and embarrassed. I don't really have plans. Since I really only have my family as my only social companions, and all my siblings are in relationships and will be spending Halloween with their significant others, I'm left on my own this year. 😔 I mean, I have my parents, but it's just not the same without my siblings. I just feel sad and foolish. And embarrassed. For example, I'm really dreading for when my employer, who knows I LOVE Halloween, will inevitably ask me what my plans are and I'll be too embarrassed to tell her the truth...and she will be stopping by my house with her children to trick-or-treat and then probably ask if I want to walk around the neighborhood with them (like she did last year) which I kin...

Song(s): The Void  & I Want Candy 🍬🍭 Artist(s): Magnolia Park & LVCRFT Feeling like a LITERAL PSYCHOPATH RIGHT NOW!! 😖😫😣😭🤯 I just binge ate the stupidest CRAP for NO FREAKING REASON!! Overall, I had a good day; for NO REASON should I have LOST IT like that!! I feel overwhelmed!! My face is breaking out and my skin looks DISGUSTING , I'm chubby in ALL MY CLOTHES  (hmmm, I wonder why? 🙄), my hair is nasty looking and thinning, I feel like I look OLD . And I FEEL like CRAP because I keep emotionally eating CRAP . Like, I have so many fun things to look forward to and just because one little thing isn't going to work out I'm UPSET?? I feel like the biggest hypocrite and most spoiled, entitled, BRAT on the planet!! And at 32 FREAKING YEARS OLD!! I am a CHILD .  Whew. Sorry. Had to vent. I just discovered Magnolia Park this year and...I'm feeling their music! 😭😳😠😰😩😭 Another anthem courtesy of my stupid brain and the current stat of my menta...

Song(s): Houdini & Leave Me Alone Artist(s): Magnolia Park & NF I have been in a bad mental state for days. I'm finally getting over it, but it's been a lot and taken a major toll. The guilt and self-loathing I have been struggling with has been out of control! I can't get my thoughts to quiet, they are constantly screaming at me, telling me how awful I am and what a failure and loser I am. I'm stressed to the point of EXPLODING!  💥🤯 These two songs capture how my mental state has been perfectly. They're also kinda like anthems for my past week! This thumbnail tho ! 😱 I'm scared... Cut ties of my old life Shed my light by the bedside Holding guilt like a deadlight I'm too far gone on one side Got a heavy feeling in my chest Fix a grave where I can rest Don't save me now Don't save me now Illusions in command The faintest sleight of hand Madness Madness My battle never ends Madness Madness You are my only friend Don't save me now Don...