FEAR

It's been a while...

But I had to come back and do a "live listening party reaction" post for NF's *NEW* EP FEAR!! 

It just dropped today and I just finished listening to the HOPE album so I'm extremely interested to see where this is going...I spent the last two weeks binge listening to all of Nate's past albums/EP's so I feel like I'm ready to pick up on all the easter eggs and connections that may be present.

FEAR: YES! THIS IS WHAT I WANTED!! I probably shouldn't, but I do. First off, this is soooo different and I'm OBSESSED. The singing, the whole vibe. YES. I haven't been doing well mentally (what's new right?) and it's been affecting me more than ever. I keep telling myself I need to say something, but I won't. Stupid pride. There's also just a lot going on in my family's life right now, I don't want to be another burden to add to the weight of what my parents specifically have been carrying with all year. I want to fix it on my own but I know I can't. I've been struggling daily with feeling like I don't want to be here anymore. I'm MORTIFIED. I feel so much embarrassment and shame of my entire existence. I feel like a literal freak; there is no one as pathetic as me and I will never be accepted because of it. I don't want to be close to anyone. I don't want anyone. I've become addicted to my isolation, but at the same time it hurts. It hurts to be alone. But I can't imagine myself every being with anyone, not even friendship wise because I feel too awkward and weird and behind. I know I'm mentally and emotionally stunted. I KNOW it. And it's mortifying. 

I'm rambling. And I'm going to keep rambling because I still have so many thoughts I need to release and I haven't done this in so long it feels kinda nice. Being mentally unwell has made me bitter. I remember the first time I heard HOPE I was so inspired and motivated and was like "I'm going to CHANGE MY LIFE! I WANT to CHANGE!" And then I didn't. I stayed the same. I got worse. And now I don't feel the same. I feel defeated and ashamed and angry at myself. I'm frustrated and I keep spiraling because I reflect back on my life and just feel so much shame and bitterness. I know it's my fault but I can't help but feel SAD. And I hate that I throw myself pity parties and and wallow so much but....ugh. I don't know. I truly feel like I can't help it. 

Shout out to some lyrics before we move on: 

"Somedays actually think I might be schizophrenic, prolly not..." - I actually thought this just the other day. I was wallowing (as usual) and I panicked and thought "I'm actually crazy, I wonder if I'm schizophrenic." And then immediately I was like "OK, chill. I know I'm not, I'm just spiraling." So yeah, that was crazy. And same.

"Made a promise to myself I wouldn't let the fear back in, but then I did though. Told the world that I was sick of running then went back to running, what a joke....it's the same song and dance, you've all seen it before. Darkness holds out his hand, then we walk to the floor." - DUDE. After listening to Running today I was sad because, again, I didn't feel it the same way I did back when I first heard it and felt ASHAMED of myself for not moving forward. Like, I don't wish Nate to remain fearful and unhappy but it brings me a selfish sense of comfort to know he's still struggling, just like me. I'm a brat.

"Face your fears, dry your eyes, grandma died, what's the point." - Again, DUDE. I felt this exact same way after losing my dog and my two grandparents! And when I start thinking about life and aging and death I'm like "everything feels pointless in the end. All of the stress and pain we go through doesn't feel worth it just to lose it all in the end. Just for people to die and leave us." WILD.

Every lyric hit but I need to move on so let's continue...

HOME: THE SINGING IS EVERYTHING!! Clearly a song about losing a friend. It's gorgeous and sad. Is this like, a singing EP? No rapping? Personally, I'm down with that but I don' know how the rest of the fanbase will take it. The only thing I will comment on is this lyric: "Just got the text you dies, this doesn't feel real to me." That made me think of when I got the text from when both of my grandparents died and how upset I was. That's all. 

WHO I WAS feat. MGK: I'm not familiar with MGK at all so we'll see how this goes...maybe this is where the rapping will come in...The chorus is amazing! OK wow. This was all over the place but I loved it! I loved all the glitching and I think Fear came in on a verse! Not what I expected but I still liked it. 

Lyric time:

"Ash and dust, everything I care about and love, burning up nothing left of who I thought I was." - That's the chorus and yep. Yep. 

"I hid from God for more than two decades of life and when I came back to the light, He didn't ask me if I'm Christian still just opened up His arms and embraced me like I'm His son." - MGK's verse and I thought that was beautiful! 

"Kids of my own, I step back. Look at those smiles and feel sad, hope they don't wind up like Dad." 😢 - I know he actually has kids, so that makes this extra sad but...again, I LITERALLY thought to myself just the other day, while I was mourning the face that I will probably never have children, that I was OK with it because I wouldn't want my kids to end up like me. Thinking and feeling the way I have my entire life, since I was way too young to be depressed. 

This has been a surprisingly calm sounding EP so far...

GIVE ME A REASON: OK, that might be about to change judging from how this just started...yep! Here's the rap! Interesting. I don't have much more to say but very interesting...

SORRY feat. James Arthur: The singing is INCREDIBLE! The passion in his voice is 👌 But...this isn't about this wife and relationship right? Like, I don't think so but...because that would be way too sad! Their voices together are AMAZING!! I have a lot of questions about this one...like how personal it is and who it's about. Talk about a sad EP...but that's what I was kind of hoping for because I wanted to feel understood. HOPE was making me feel like such a failure. Now I'm feeling kind of bad that is is what I wanted to hear because I truly do hope Nate's OK 🙏

WASHED UP: LAST SONG! Well now I just feel kinda sad. And bad. This song feels like defeat. I'm really hoping there is a follow up to this EP really soon because this makes me sad. He's being super honest but it makes me worried. I don't know how I feel about this anymore. I LOVE Fear. I'm sorry, I do. It's what I wanted to hear. I needed it. To feel less alone. Ew. I feel evil for that. But now I just feel...bad. For Nate. I'm soooo curious to see the fans reaction to this because it's not what I expected at all. I don't think anyone was.

All I know is, I'll be listening to FEAR non-stop for a while. Until I get my sh** together. 

FEAR MUSIC VIDEO:

WASHED UP MUSIC VIDEO: