NF JOURNEY: INTERLUDE & HATE MYSELF
Song(s): Interlude & Hate Myself
Artist: NF
Todays song choice fits what happened with me this morning to a "T."
Interlude
This was really interesting. It's just a short snippet of Nate talking. But what he's saying is very personal. It's a vulnerable moment. I'm proud of him for sharing it and being so open about his mental health. I feel him here. I feel like I'm where he was...
"My most considered, like, "successful" moment of my life was the worst-the most depressed I've ever been. Literally feeling like I'd probably be happier if I was just dead. I got a number one on Billboard, my song is massive right now, like I may never have a song this big again, my tour, I think every date sold out except one date. So I literally had everything that I had always dreamed of happening, and I felt-I didn't feel happy at all. And so I think what happened was I spiraled really bad, 'cause I was like, "I'm here, and if this is it, there's gotta be more for me, 'cause if this is it, like, it's not gonna work."
This "interlude" was the perfect segue into this next, very heavy song...
Hate Myself
I've actually shared this song before. It was one of my "28 on the 28th" theme songs for April back in 2021. I also shared his song My Stress, which is on The Search album and goes hand-in-hand with this one so be sure to give it a listen too! Not sure why it's not a part of the "journey."
I feel like he wrote this song for me. I can remember listening to it for the first time and bawling my eyes out. That had to have been two to three years ago now. That's so sad. That I'm still in the same place ("And in a year I realize I'm in the same place running in the same race same pace."). I haven't made a dent of progress, if anything I've only relapsed.
This morning was so bad. I got upset about something and got in my head and freaked out! At God, at my parents, at myself. The thing that got me so upset and stressed out ended up being nothing. It was so stupid and small and everything turned out fine. All my worries and fears over the situation were totally misplaced. I feel so embarrassed and guilty. I was holding back tears all morning long and they almost betrayed me in front of my dad. A part of me wished they had fallen. Maybe he'd finally see what a bad place I'm actually in. I need an intervention ASAP because I swear I'm headed for the biggest breakdown of my life. I literally hate myself so much. I truly wish I didn't exist. Like Nate said in the interlude above: "Literally feeling like I'd probably be happier if I was just dead." That's where I'm at! The lyrics of this song all hit home for me. Hard. What a tragically sad but beautiful song he's written for me. These are the words I wish I could say. If only I were brave enough. I still haven't been able to bury Fear though. He still lives in my "mansion." He's very comfortable here. More comfortable than I am. He's still got me locked in my "prison" and is laughing in my face because I'm holding the keys but won't use them. I don't know how even though it should be so obvious. He thinks that's hilarious.
I feel like a fake. A shell of a human being. I don't function like I should, I barely get by. "Everybody's gon' die, don't everybody live though." I don't live. I survive...and I don't know why I bother to. I feel totally worthless, like I'm the biggest waste of space, time, money, energy, worry.
I don't see you like I should
You look so misunderstood
And I wish I could help
But it's hard when I hate myself
Pray to God with my arms open
If this is it then I feel hopeless
And I wish I could help
But it's hard when I hate myself
Late nights are the worst for me
They bring out the worst in me
Mind running, got me feeling like it hurts to think
If this is all that I wanted, I don't want it
Gotta be more for me
More than core beliefs, and every morning I wake up
And feel like I am not worth it 'cause I'm at war with peace
I go to Hell, walk up to the corpse of me
Look at the body like you ain't nothin' but poor and weak
It's kinda weird, lately I've been feeling like the only way
For me to get away is if I poured a drink
That's more deceit, more defeat
Is this really what I'm born to be?
That's what you get for thinking you're unique
So poor but I'm so wealthy
Need help but you can't help me
What else can the world sell me? Tell me
Lies, I still buy 'em like they're goin' out of stock
But it's not healthy
I don't see you like I should
You look so misunderstood
And I wish I could help
But it's hard when I hate myself
Pray to God with my arms open
If this is it then I feel hopeless
And I wish I could help
But it's hard when I hate myself
Yeah, late nights get the best of me
They know how to get to me
Suicide thoughts come and go like a guest to me
But I don't wanna die, I just wanna get relief
So don't talk to me like you think I'm so successful
What is success when hope has left you?
I am not a spokesman, I'm a broken record
Whose sick of doin' interviews 'cause I hate myself, ah
Come across like it's so easy
But I feel like you don't need me
When I feel like you don't need me
Then I feel like you don't see me
And my life has no meaning, dreaming
Hands out, tryna ask for love
But when I get it I just pass it up
Throw it away and think about it later
Diggin' through the trash for drugs
I wish I could give you what you needed
But I can't I'm scared because
I don't see you like I should
You look so misunderstood
And I wish I could help
But it's hard when I hate myself
Pray to God with my arms open
If this is it then I feel hopeless
And I wish I could help
But it's hard when I hate myself
I walk through the ashes of my passions
Reminiscin' with the baggage in my casket
Get lost in the questions I can't answer
Can't stand who I am but it don't matter
We scream to be free but I stay captured
Knee deep in defeat of my own actions
Feel weak but the peace that I keep lacking
Keeps speaking to me but I can't have it
But I can't have it
Keeps speaking to me but I can't have it
But I can't have it
Keeps speaking to me but I can't have it
I don't see you like I should
You look so misunderstood
And I wish I could help
But it's hard when I hate myself
Pray to God with my arms open
If this is it then I feel hopeless
And I wish I could help
But it's hard when I hate myself
Hate myself
But it's hard when I hate myself
Hate myself
But it's hard when I hate myself
And I hate myself
It's kind of hard when I hate myself
I hate myself
It's hard when I hate myself
This ENTIRE SONG is highlighted. 🔥😭💔 This song speaks to me the most I think. It's all the thoughts and feelings I have trapped in my mind. It's healing but it's incredibly painful at the same time. Thank you for another perfectly worded release NF! A lyrical genius and legend. I think I'm going to use his music when I finally go ask for help. Because he words things in just the right way...and his delivery is so perfect. It hits you in the SOUL. I'm going to have NF to thank for my life someday, I just know it! I'm getting excited to get back to HOPE. I've denied myself the privilege of listening to it until I get there on "the journey." You have to go through a lot of pain and crap to get to the REWARD! 👊🏆 "Scratching and scraping to face your fear of heights..." - Hanson 😊
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