Month of NF: THE JOURNEY BEGINS

It's time to start the OFFICIAL NF JOURNEY... LET'S GOOOOOOO!!! 🙌👊

So guess what? I've come down with a cold. You may be thinking, so? What's the big deal? It's normal, that kind of stuff is going around right now. But for me, it's actually quite abnormal because I literally never get sick (it's the one flex I have in life people, just let me have this ok?? 😉). Despite those facts, the scary thing is...I think I've brought this cold on myself because my mental health has been so awful. I literally think my mind and my thoughts have made me physically ill. So, even though I didn't have to go to "work" yesterday and have been lounging around in my sweats the past two days, it really isn't all that relaxing because my mind is such a stressful place to be. 

The one thing I have been able to do is go back and start listening to NF's entire music catalog (in the obsessive way I do when I really like an artist and feel I relate to what they're sharing) and wow! This has been an emotional journey already! I have broken down ugly crying to some of these songs because they've been a little too real and relatable. But that's what NF is all about right? Real music.

Story time! The first song I ever heard from NF is a song called When I Grow Up. My cute little brother was listening to it and I thought it was super fun and catchy! I was especially impressed to hear a clean but still very cool "rap" song! Then he showed me the songs The Search and Leave Me Alone and I became very interested since I related to/liked the messages of those songs a lot. I've looked up a few of his other songs since then (namely My Stress, Hate Myself & If You Want Love). My brother, who showed me these songs, is the biggest NF fan and is also the brother who just left for his two-year mission. He is devastated to be missing out on the new album dropping next month! So, in my brother's honor/memory I decided to listen to NF's latest offering, HOPE shortly after my brother left because he had been raving about it! I loved it so much I instantly knew it had to become my next "30 on the 30th" theme song. In honor of my brother and my general curiosity about more of NF's music, I did what I do and went back to the very beginning. I've loved it! Although it makes me miss my brother even more and makes me wish I had gotten into all of this sooner so we could've talked about the music and jammed together, but it is what it is. I'm living for it now!

From reading the comment sections on several NF videos (because I like reading other people's thoughts/feelings and impressions about songs that speak to me...especially when they relate to how I feel and it feels like I have found a small community of people who "get me"...even though we have never met and never will...and that makes me kinda sad tbh) I have discovered that there are connections between several of his songs and that if you watch/listen to certain songs in order then you'll catch fun Easter eggs and be able to really see NF's journey unfold...and y'all know how I feel about listening to music in chronological order so this is right up my alley! My brother even told me I couldn't watch his newest music video since I didn't "understand him." 😂 

So, I'm officially kicking the "journey" off here and documenting it all on my blog, starting with his first album Mansion. 

Intro

WHAT A BEAST!! 🔥 How I'm going about this "journey" is by listening to the song while reading the lyrics and then watching the accompanying video. This was a very cool start! He's got BARZ! And shout out to that last line: "And I'm sorry, but I gotta leave but man, this track was beautiful. The least I can do if I murder a beat is take the time to go to its funeral." 😂 THAT IS TOO GOOD!! 👏 

I'm lookin' like I'm gonna get it, you probably don't get it

I come in your house with a microphone

Lookin' like I'm 'bout to set up a show in your kitchen

I'm outta my mind but I feel like I'm in it

If I never make it, don't make any difference

I'm still gonna kill it

You know what the deal is

Ain't never no chillin' when I'm in the buildin'

NF is a monster, I am a villain

My music is sick, and you don't know what ill is

You better get back, I don't write any filler

I write what I feel and I'm feelin' a million

So you better shh, be quiet, you hear it?

I'm 'bout to lose it

I'm on a whole different level of music

Don't treat me like I have no clue how to do this

You better rethink what you're thinkin' and move it

Now picture me writin' when I was a kid tryna make it in music

I'm thinkin' it's crazy

I spent all my money on studio time, tryna get on my music so people could play it

I'm a keep it 100, my music was terrible

Learned to get better, the more that I made it

Go back to my Moments album

Most of you people, you probably don't know what I'm sayin', hold up!

What you're witnessin' now, don't try to figure me out

I grab on that microphone, jawin' the crowd

They was laughin' at me, who they laughin' at now, huh?

I laugh at myself, some people they lookin' like, "Wow

The moment you told me that you was a rapper, I couldn't believe it"

You believe it now?

Step in the booth and I murder it

You never heard of a rapper that kill it like I do

I sleep on the couch in the studio, stay up 'til 3 in the morning

And write 'till I get more

The moment I wake up I feel like I don't even sleep

And I'm ready to put out my record

Well, thank you for buyin' it!

Maybe you burned it!

But either way, I'm gonna wreck it!

I look at the industry, look what it did to me

You'll never make it if you never grind

You put a whole lot of money into it, you better be ready to give it your time

I look at the past few years of my life and I promise you I have been given it mine

Try to keep up with this

I'm not a puppet, no string on my back, I'm one of a kind

Music is changing, no way to tame this

I am an artist, look what I painted

Hang up the caution tape, I'm dangerous

Does anyone know where my brain is?

Rappers are comfortable knowing they're famous

But I really don't care what your name is

And I really don't care if I'm nameless

Y'all just drivin' around, I know where my lane is

Cocky? Nah, I'm competitive?

This is a job for me, it's adrenaline

Don't try to box me in, I am Mayweather

I come in the ring, my punches are way better

I never drink but I live in these bars

The moment you blink is the moment you lost

Say you a king, who put you in charge?

Don't care what you think, I'll break in your car

Climb on the top of it, sound the alarm

And wake up the neighborhood, rap in your yard

And the carry the speakers on both of my arms

'Til you keep sleepin' on me, I'm at large

Enough with the jokes, I ain't jokin'

You come in a session with me I'm a show you what dope is

And when I say dope I ain't talkin' 'bout smokin'

I'm talkin' 'bout music that has an emotion

I look at this mic, it's part of my family

Take it away, I'm comin' to find you

I've been through a lot in my life

And it's hard to get people to listen when no one's behind you

And then Capitol came in the picture and gave me a shot

And look at it now

I look at the team I'm dealin' with, ah, these people ain't playin' around

Lookin' back, I gotta laugh

I was in a whole different place a year ago

I look at the math, I look at the map

And thank you God, I swear it's a miracle

And I'm sorry, but I gotta leave

But man, this track was beautiful

The least I can do if I murder a beat is take the time to go to its funeral

Mansion

Trigger Warning: Physical abuse.

This song is deep. The metaphor of his mind being "a home I'm trapped in" and that's his "mansion" is just 🤯 Genius. It's such a perfect picture and one I relate to so personally. The chorus is straight fire. Ugh. It's one of those songs where the lyrics are so good I don't know how to put it into words! Now, I can't relate to some of the things mentioned in this song (most specifically being physically abused and losing a parent); whoo. Hearing that is rough and brings tears to my eyes. 💔 It's so sad to think that stuff actually happens, and probably more often than I can even begin to imagine. It makes me grateful and extra appreciative of my good family and the kind of upbringing I have had. But the words about being "trapped" in your thoughts and regrets and depression is real for me. His metaphors and rhymes are so, so good it makes me cry, no joke. I'm not trying to be being dramatic. If you've been reading this blog long enough then you know when I relate to something I'm all in. I'm obsessed. Because it fills in the holes of loneliness that I have felt since I was five years old. There is power in the connection you feel to music. And that's what I have felt.

I have never italicized more lyrics in one song than I have with his. It's insane! His lyrics speak the words I wish I could say to the people who are trying to understand me and ask me to tell them what's going on inside. But I can't. I start feeling panicked and immediately start crying because I'm afraid of letting people know how hurt and sad and afraid I am. Because I don't feel like I deserve to feel the way that I do. I haven't had to deal with really deep, hard things. I come from a very happy and privileged home and lifestyle and yet I feel so broken and scarred. But for why? What have I ever gone through that could give me that right? I'm just scared of life and never learned how to deal with it. It's embarrassing. To think I can relate to what this guy is saying when he's had it so much worse than I have. I feel like a fake. Even though I really do feel so broken and distressed inside. 

Insidious is blind inception

What's reality with all these questions?

Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in (slept in)

Broken legs but I chase perfection

These walls are my blank expression

My mind is a home I'm trapped in

And it's lonely inside this mansion

Yo my mind is a house with walls covered in lyrics

They're all over the place, there's songs in the mirrors

Written all over the floors, all over the chairs

And you get the uncut version of life when I go downstairs

That's where I write when I'm in a bad place and need to release

And let out the version of NF you don't want to see

I put holes in the walls with both of my fists 'til they bleed

You might get a glimpse of how I cope with all this anger in me

Physically abused, now that's the room that I don't want to be in

That picture ain't blurry at all, I just don't want to see it

And these walls ain't blank, I just think I don't want to see 'em

But why not? I'm in here, so I might as well read 'em

I gotta thank you for this anger that I carry around

Wish I could take a match and burn this whole room to the ground

Matter of fact I think I'm a burn this room right now

So now this memory for some reason just won't come down

You used to put me in the corner, so you could see the fear in my eyes

Then took me downstairs and beat me 'til I screamed and I cried

Congratulations, you'll always have a room in my mind

But I'mma keep the door shut and lock the lyrics inside

Insidious is blind inception

What's reality with all these questions?

Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in (slept in)

Broken legs but I chase perfection

These walls are my blank expression

My mind is a home I'm trapped in

And it's lonely inside this mansion (inside this mansion)

Yo my mind is a house with walls covered in pain

See my problem is I don't fix things

I just try to repaint, cover em up, like it never happened

Say I wish I could change. Are you confused?

Come upstairs and I'll show you what I mean

This room's full of regrets, just keeps getting fuller it seems

The moment I walk in to it is the same moment that I wanna leave

I get sick to my stomach every time I look at these things

But it's hard to look past when this is the room where I sleep

I look around. One of the worst things I wrote on these walls

Was the moment I realized that I was losing my mom

And one of the first things I wrote was "I wish I would've called"

But I should just stop now, we ain't got enough room in this song

And I regret the fact that I struggled trying to find who I am

And I lie to myself and say I do the best that I can

Shrug it off like it ain't nothing like it's out of my hands

Then get ticked off whenever I see it affecting my plans

And I regret watching these trust issues eat me alive

And at the rate I'm going they'll probably still be there when I die

Congratulations, you'll always have a room in my mind

The question is: Will I ever clean the walls off in time?

Insidious is blind inception

What's reality with all these questions?

Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in (slept in)

Broken legs but I chase perfection

These walls are my blank expression

My mind is a home I'm trapped in

And it's lonely inside this mansion (inside this mansion)

So this part of my house, no one's been in it for years

I built the safe room and I don't let no one in there

'Cause if I do, there's a chance

That they might disappear and not come back

And I admit I am emotionally scared to let anyone inside

So I just leave my doors locked

You might get other doors to open up but this doors not

'Cause I don't want you to have the opportunity to hurt me

And I'll be the only person that I can blame when you desert me

I'm barricaded inside

So stop watching

I'm not coming to the door

So stop knocking, stop knocking

I'm trapped here

God keep saying I'm not locked in

I chose this

I am lost in my own conscience

I know that shutting the world out ain't solving the problem

But I didn't build this house because I thought it would solve 'em

I built it because I thought that it would be safer in there

But it's not, I'm not the only thing that's living in here

Fear came to my house years ago I let 'em in

Maybe that's the problem

'Cause I've been dealing with this ever since

I thought that he would leave, but it's obvious he never did

He must have picked the room and got comfortable and settled in

Now I'm in the position it's either sit here and let him win

Or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can

'Cause in order to do that I'd have to open the doors

Is that me or the fear talking?

I don't know anymore

It's lonely

Oh yeah it's lonely

Inside this mansion