Grateful For Music Challenge Day 2

Song: Let Me Be Sad

Artist: I Prevail

*Sigh* Can someone please explain to me why I'm feeling so down and sad right now? Yes, I had another long, tiring day but everything went really well which I'm so grateful for. I had a good day overall. And I'm actually about to have a fun evening with my sister who is picking up some delicious food and we're going to watch a show together! What is wrong with me!?

I guess it's because today is the Day of the Dead, a holiday I have "celebrated" the last two years. I haven't really done anything for it today because I was working all day. The reason this holiday is making me sad is because it's making me miss my dog more then usual. And my grandparents. And just my old life in general. You're suppose to honor and celebrate your deceased loved ones today but instead of joyfully reminiscing on all the happy, good times we shared, I'm just missing them all. A lot. I feel like my memories of them are starting to fade a little bit and it's stressing and depressing me out!! Like, things are so different now. I have a new dog. A new job. There's been a lot of changes. 

On Sunday, I had a triggering moment. I was at church and the speaker started talking about his experience of recently having to put down their family dog. I started getting super emotional right there in the chapel and had to covertly wipe a tear from my eye (because I'm always uncomfortable showing emotion, even when it's a safe and OK place to do so...I just hate it!). I left after sacrament meeting and started crying as I was walked home. I felt overwhelmed with sadness, missing my boy, and I swear I've been down ever since. I've just been in a funk. I DID have a fun Halloween but it felt rather lacking, especially compared to the year before so I do remember feeling a little sad at the end of the day going to bed that night. But then I started feeling pathetic because at my age, I should be taking my KIDS out trick-or-treating, not sitting at home all decked out in a costume with nowhere to go and  NOTHING to do; wishing I could go to a corn maze/Haunted house. I also had an experience a few weeks prior to that where I had to tell someone my age and it made me feel so embarrassed, self-conscious and OLD! Especially after finding out today that my current employer is only FOUR years older than me! AND THEN I just signed myself up for another lame "one day a week" babysitting job for someone who IS MY AGE! I swore I would NEVER DO THIS but here I am! Desperate as always! And mortified. 🙈

So yeah. Just being honest. I'm not in a good mental headspace even though I have every reason to be; I have a comfortable home and wonderful family, food to eat, a healthy body and the opportunity to make some money. AND YET I'M DEPRESSED!! I feel so dumb. I don't deserve to feel the way that I do. It makes me feel guilty and disgusted with myself. So many people have is so much worse than I do. I JUST REALLY MISS MY PUPPY DOG!!! 💔😭 Don't get me wrong, I love my new dog too but...she's just not him. We're still getting to know each other and it just doesn't feel the same. 

This song is a little intense and heavy but it's where I'm at. Sorry 'bout it. I'm grateful for music that can express my emotions and meet me where I'm at.

 

I'm holding back right now

Cuz I'm numb to what's around

I miss the life I used to have with you right here

Now everything has turned to grey

And I'm blacking out the shades for now

Let me be sad

Even for a little while

Just a chance to catch my breath

Let me be sad

Even for a little while

Cuz it's all that I have left

When all I see are the memories, I don't want to lose a thing

Let me be sad, let me be sad

Can you see it in my eyes I've been distant?

Cuz I can't tell if it's the end or the beginning

I know I haven't been myself, I'll admit it

I put up walls so if I burned any bridges just know

I'm doin' everything I can to try and fix it

But knowin' me I'll probably miss it

These voices get so vicious

Feels like I'm rippin' stitches

I wish some days I could go back

Before life changed it was so fast

That time is gone and I know that

So please

Let me be sad

Even for a little while

Just a chance to catch my breath

Let me be sad

Even for a little while

Cuz it's all that I have left

When all I see are the memories, I don't want to lose a thing

Let me be sad, let me be sad

I'm doin' everything I can to try and fix it

But knowin' me I'll probably miss it

These voices get so vicious

Feels like I'm rippin' stitches

I wish some days I could go back

Before life changed it was so fast

That time is gone and I know that

All that we have is a moment

So please let me be

Let me be sad

Even for a little while

Just a chance to catch my breath

Let me be sad

Even for a little while

Cuz it's all that I have left

When all I see are the memories, I don't want to lose a thing

Let me be sad, Let me be sad

(Let me be sad)

I'm holding back right now

(Let me be sad)

Cuz I'm numb to what's around

I miss the life I used to have with you right here

Now everything has turned to grey

And I'm blacking out the shades for now