NF JOURNEY: PARALYZED

Song: Paralyzed

Artist: NF

I know I sound like a broken record. I talk about how sad and depressed and anxious and worried I feel all of the time and how I really need help but then...I don't do anything about it. I haven't reached out and asked for help. I guess I keep hoping God will provide the intervention for me (So you point a finger at God and tell him to do his job and fix ya' life up cause nothin' is workin'!) but I guess that's not how faith and action work. I gotta do it for myself. 

I've struggled with my mental health for most of my life; with it getting worse over the past 10 years, but I know for a fact that it really took a deep dive when I lost my dog. And I've been diggin' that hole deeper and deeper ever since. He was the glimmer of hope and light in my life. He was the sliver of motivation that I had. I haven't found anything close to matching the inspiration and happiness he brought into my life. Just the other day, we had a rare few hours of sunshine and "warm" weather. I hardly ever leave my house these days and I thought to myself, "I would love to get outside for a bit." I thought about going on a walk but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I started to get emotional just thinking about it. I haven't gone on a walk alone since my dog passed. I never went alone when he was here because we would always go together. It still hurts too much to walk those trails alone. I miss those daily walks with him so much it hurts. I miss him. Every single day. I lost myself when I lost him. 💔

I truly feel emotionally paralyzed these days. I can't get myself to want to change. I can't get myself to even care. I mean, I guess sometimes I do, but it always  comes in a rush of extreme, overwhelming moments where I think of everything all at once and freak out so badly I have to find a way to escape and numb the pain before I can get desperate enough to seek help. I eat something. I read. I listen to music or just scroll aimlessly on my phone, playing pointless games while listening to my book or a podcast. 

This song is facts 💯 At least for me.

When did I become so numb?

When did I lose myself?

All the words that leave my tongue

Feel like they came from someone else

I'm paralyzed

Where are my feelings?

I no longer feel things

I know I should

I'm paralyzed

Where is the real me?

I'm lost and it kills me - inside

I'm paralyzed

When did I become so cold?

When did I become ashamed? (ooh)

Where's the person that I know?

They must have left

They must have left

With all my faith

I'm paralyzed

Where are my feelings?

I no longer feel things

I know I should

I'm paralyzed

Where is the real me?

I'm lost and it kills me - inside

I'm paralyzed

I'm paralyzed

I'm scared to live but I'm scared to die

And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago

But it's still alive

And it's taking over me - where am I?

I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside

But I feel nothing, I wonder why

I'm on the race of life and time passes by

Look

I sit back and I watch it, hands in my pockets

Waves come crashing over me but I just watch 'em

I just watch 'em

I'm under water but I feel like I'm on top of it

I'm at the bottom and I don't know what the problem is

I'm in a box

But I'm the one who locked me in

Suffocating and I'm running out of oxygen

I'm paralyzed

Where are my feelings?

I no longer feel things

I know I should

I'm paralyzed

Where is the real me?

I'm lost and it kills me - inside

I'm paralyzed (Yeah, I'm just so paralyzed)

Where are my feelings? (Yeah, I'm just so paralyzed)

I no longer feel things (I have no feelings)

I know I should (Oh. How come I'm not moving? Why aren't I moving? Ay yeah)

I'm paralyzed

Where is the real me? (Where is the real me? Where is the real me?)

I'm lost and it kills me - inside (I'm paralyzed, I'm paralyzed)

I'm paralyzed (I'm paralyzed)