Heartbroken

I don't want to write this post. I wish what I am about to say wasn't real. Hadn't happened. I feel so broken. I feel lost. All I want to do is cry. My heart is broken in a billion pieces and I don't think it will ever be whole again. My world has ended.

I lost my best friend today. My sweet, perfect, angel puppy was put to rest and returned to Heaven. It still doesn't feel real. It happened so fast. 

My little dog has been suffering from CHF (congestive heart failure) for a little over a year now (he was officially diagnosed in June 2020). Coughing is a side effect of CHF because the heart isn't pumping properly and fluid gets backed up into the lungs. He's had a persistent cough for a while now but with medication we've been able to control it and help slow the build up. But within just this past week his coughing got really, really bad. It sounded wet and more intense then I'd ever heard it before and went on for much longer periods of time. The length of the coughing began being concerning a few weeks ago so I scheduled a check up with our vet. My family and I are going out of town the first week in August. We got a place for my dog to be boarded but I wanted to get him a clean bill of health before we left him for a week (remember my post about praying for a miracle? I was praying to know if boarding him would be OK because of his age and health and then to help me find the right place to board him. At the time I felt I had received the OK signal and through a lot of trial and error and ups and downs we finally secured him a place that I felt really happy and comfortable with. That post is a slap in the face now. I won't be able to listen to any of those songs for a long time). The visit with our vet didn't go well. All he could say - when I mentioned the increase in my puppy's coughing - was that his heart is on it's last leg and eventually the medication isn't going to help anymore. He didn't recommend we board him because of the stress it would cause. So I spent the next week agonizing over my puppy and this news; what we would do with him when we went on this trip, how to keep him as healthy as possible, etc. I've missed two family vacations this year to stay home with my dog. I didn't mind at all and don't regret those decisions for a second! Those days I got to spend one on one with just my puppy are priceless and precious to me. But I really wanted to go on this trip. My ultimate decision, after a lot of fasting and prayer, was to take him with us. 

Two days ago my dog's cough got so bad. He couldn't move without coughing. I couldn't touch or hold him without causing him to break out into a fit of coughs. They were loud and harsh and seemed so painful. I was stressed and worried out of my mind. Thursday night while saying my nightly prayers as I listened helplessly to my precious pup heave and hack so hard, I said to Heavenly Father "It's time, isn't it?" And it became heartbreakingly clear to me that it was. The coughing wasn't going to clear up this time. This was the answer (or even "sign" if you will) that I'd been asking and praying and fasting so hard for. Things aren't going to get better. The medicine isn't helping anymore. There's absolutely nothing else I could do.

I sobbed. I held my dog and cried. My sweet boy tried to comfort me even in the midst of his pain, turning to lick away the tears that streamed down my face. We were up pretty much all night. I watched him struggle just trying to lie down. The second he did he would break into another coughing fit and have to get back up. He also has arthritis so his legs would shake as he lowered himself to the floor. It was the most painful night of my life. I have never felt so helpless. 

I talked to my dad the following morning and we both agreed...it was time. Deep down, I've known it was coming for a while but it didn't make it any easier to finally admit it. My dad called a few places. We couldn't get him in until Saturday morning. That day I tried to soak up every second with my boy. But it was hard because he was coughing so much there wasn't much I could do with him. Even petting him seemed to set him off. I cried all day. My sister drove two hours to come be home so she could be with us. My brother came to say good-bye. I couldn't help thinking of all the lasts I was about to have with my sweet boy. The thing that really sucks is he is so healthy in almost every other way. Thursday evening, before things got bad, he had so much energy and was trying to play with me. He ate his food like a champ. He hadn't lost control of his bowel movements, he would scratch at the door when he needed to go out. We still went on walks - albeit they were slow and not every day. I still cry that I had my last walk with him and didn't even know it. I wish I could have taken him on one more. We both loved our walks. They were the highlight of our day. 

Today has been so hard. The hardest day of my entire life. It was devastating to watch him go. I could literally feel it when his spirit left his body. He didn't feel like himself. The life was gone from his eyes. I can't help feeling so much regret and guilt. If only I had walked him more. If only I had done this better. If only I had taken more pictures of and with him. What if there was more we could have done? I've never felt this kind of pain and anguish before. Leaving my house with him in my arms and then coming back to that same house, where his bed, food/water bowls, toys, etc. still are, without him....I have no words. 

As painful as this entire day has been, I haven't cried as much as I thought I would. I think a part of it is because it doesn't feel real to me. I know these next few days are going to be really rough as the reality of what has happened in such a short amount of time sinks in. I've definitely had a few breakdowns throughout the day. I've cried out "Come back! I'm not ready!" "Why did he have to go!? I NEED him!" "I can't do this!" "I miss you so much!" My heart is broken. My whole body hurts. My heart will never fully heal. He was the dog of a lifetime for me. I can't believe he's gone. It doesn't feel real. It feels like we dropped him off to be boarded and we'll go pick him up in a couple of days. Leaving him on that table...seeing his lifeless body lying there as I walked out the door was the worst moment of my life. I can still see his face, his eyes, that moment they told us he was gone! The sobs that came from my family. I'm not ready for this! I'm not ready to live without him! 

Below are a bunch of songs I listened to after getting home. I went and just laid on my bed listening to these sad songs. It's hard being in my room without him here. He was always here before. Just his presence gave me peace. His bed and blanket are still right next to my bed. His toys are still in the corner. Nothing in my room has changed...except that he's no longer here. And that's a change that I feel heavily. My room doesn't feel like the safe haven and sanctuary it always did before. It feels empty and lifeless and like I'm drowning. 

Songs in Memory of the Best Dog in the Entire World! 🐕🖤🤍💔😭

With You In Your Dreams

My current theme song. The message is so beautiful and brings me comfort even though it makes me weep. I'll never hear it the same again.

If I'm gone when you wake up, please, don't cry. And if I'm gone when you wake up, it's not goodbye. Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress, remember me. Remember me.

'Cause I'll be with you in your dreams

But If I'm gone when you wake up, please, don't cry. And if I'm gone when you wake up, don't ask why.

Don't cry I'm with you, don't cry I'm by your side.

And though my flesh is gone. I'll still be with you at all times. And although my body's gone, I'll be there to comfort you at all times.

I don't want you to cry and weep. I want you to go on living your life. I'm not sleeping an endless sleep,

'Cause in your heart you have all of our good times. 🖤🤍💔😭

This is the performance from the concert that was held on my boys birthday. That was such fun day!! I wish I could go back and re-live it. With him. 💔 I remember when this song started I got emotional as it was already feeling too real (and I still thought I had another two months with my sweet boy!). Now this song is more real than ever and I can't listen to it without breaking down in sobs!

Homeward Bound

I don't know why but I've been listening to this song a lot over the past couple of weeks. The first time I did I started thinking of my sweet dog and burst into tears (I've apparently known for a while his time was coming sooner than I would like). This song is dedicated to him now and I'll always think of him whenever I listen to it. If you find it's me you're missing, if you're hoping I'll return...💔

Can't Cry Hard Enough

I'm gonna live my life, like every day's the last. Without a simple goodbye, it all goes by so fast.

And now that you're gone, I can't cry hard enough. No, I can't cry hard enough, for you to hear me now

Gonna open my eyes and see for the first time. I've let go of you like a child letting go of his kite

There it goes, up in the sky. There it goes beyond the clouds for no reason why

I can't cry hard enough. No, I can't cry hard enough, for you to hear me now

You'll Be In My Heart

Always.

Gone Too Soon

Shiny and sparkly and splendidly bright, here one day. Gone one night

Like the loss of sunlight on a cloudy afternoon

Gone too soon

Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight, here one day. Gone one night

Like a sunset dying with the rising of the moon

Gone too soon

Gone too soon 💔

To Where You Are

💕💔😭

Who can say for certain

Maybe you're still here

I feel you all around me

Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness

I can hear you speak

You're still an inspiration

Can it be

That you are my

Forever love

And you are watching over me

From up above.

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for a while

To know you're there

A breath away's not far to where you are.

Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream?

And isn't faith believing

All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you

Just one beat away

I cherish all you gave me

Everyday

Cause you are my

Forever love

Watching me

From up above

And I believe

That angels breathe

And that love will live on

And never leave

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for a while

To know you're there

A breath away's not far to where you are.

I know you're there

A breath away's not far to where you are

Quiet Uptown

There are moments that the words don't reach

There is suffering too terrible to name

You hold your child as tight as you can

Then push away the unimaginable

The moments when you're in so deep

Feels easier to just swim down

And so they move uptown

And learn to live with the unimaginable

I spend hours in the garden

I walk alone to the store

And it's quiet uptown

I never liked the quiet before

I take the children to church on Sunday

A sign of the cross at the door

And I pray

That never used to happen before

(If you see him in the street, walking by himself

Talking to himself, have pity)

You would like it uptown, it's quiet uptown

(He is working through the unimaginable

His hair has gone grey, he passes every day

They say he walks the length of the city)

You knock me out, I fall apart

(Can you imagine?)

Look at where we are

Look at where we started

I know I don't deserve you

But hear me out, that would be enough

If I could spare his life

If I could trade his life for mine

He'd be standing here right now

And you would smile, and that would be enough

I don't pretend to know the challenges we're facing

I know there's no replacing what we've lost

And you need time

But I'm not afraid, I know who I married

Just let me stay here by your side

And that would be enough

(If you see him in the street, walking by her side

Talking by her side, have pity)

Do you like it uptown? It's quiet uptown

(He is trying to do the unimaginable

See them walking in the park, long after dark)

Taking in the sights of the city

Look around, look around, look around

(They are trying to do the unimaginable)

There are moments that the words don't reach

There's a grace too powerful to name

We push away what we can never understand

We push away the unimaginable

They are standing in the garden

Standing there side by side

She takes his hand

It's quiet uptown

Forgiveness, can you imagine?

Forgiveness, can you imagine?

(If you see him in the street, walking by her side

Talking by her side, have pity)

Look around, look around

They are going through the unimaginable

To my sweet best friend,

Thank you for sharing your amazing life with me! Thank you for loving me and being there for me every, single day. Thank you for your sweet kisses and cuddles! Thank you for waiting for me by the door when I was away and always being so excited to greet me when I came back. Thank you for all the amazing walks, we went all over this place! We are famous for them! Especially you. You were a trooper. Thank you for helping me get through the bad times and being there to celebrate the wonderful! YOU were WONDERFUL! You were and always will be the best friend I will ever have!! Thank you for your examples of selflessness, courage and unconditional love. Of overcoming trials and getting back up again when you fall down. Of not letting your challenges stop you from living fully. I've learned so much from you! I've never felt such love, loyalty and devotion before! You were perfect in every way! I don't have the words to express what you mean to me! You were my whole world, my life! If I could have saved you I would! I did everything I could! If love could have healed you you would live forever! I hope you know how much I love you because I felt your love every, single day! You were unwavering and true. There will never be another dog, friend or companion like you! You will NEVER, EVER be replaced!!! I am grateful I had you for so long! I'm grateful for how you blessed every member of my family! I'm grateful for all the joy you have brought into my life!! This sadness will not replace your JOY! I'm going to miss having you here for the future hard days that lie ahead. For my future successes, joys and experiences. But I know you'll be there with me, cheering me on every day! My own, personal guardian angel. Walks will never be the same but I'll try going on them in your name and memory. I'll go down all our old paths. You'll always be a part of me! You shaped me in so many ways! You were my saving grace and the love of my life!!! I LOVE YOU FOREVER!!! I'll NEVER forget you!!!! 🖤🤍💙💜💔 My dog was an angel, a miracle and the greatest and best gift I have ever been (and will ever be) given! I love you so much and will miss you every day until we meet again! I can't wait for that reunion!!!