NF JOURNEY: WAKE UP

Song: Wake Up

Artist: NF

Wow. This song was an experience. I'm sort of at a loss for words so bear with me. I'll try my best to express all the emotions swirling around inside my head right now...

This song hit me so hard. I just can't believe how much I relate to what he's describing. It's truly insane! I think I have another mental-health related issue that I've self-diagnosed myself with called maladaptive daydreaming. I've been doing this for years. I imagine a different "me" living a completely different life and go to that world all of the time. It's scared me at times how often, but it's also been a comfort for me. I have "friends" there and people who understand me. Wow. This is getting too deep and personal. 😓 It's not like schizophrenia. I realize what I'm doing and can control it. Anyway. It's safe inside my head because I'm in control (𝅘𝅥𝅮I've always tried to control things. In the end that's what controls me. Maybe that's why I'm controllin'𝅘𝅥𝅮). I know how these "people" will react to me. What they think about me. I make myself out to be extremely talented and confident and brave and vulnerable. I will also "replay" actual, real life situations and events that have occurred, but change the way I acted and responded to them since I'm always disappointed with how it went. Or I will act out something that is about to happen, hoping I can convince myself that is how the conversation will go in real life (spoiler alert: it never does). 

Ugh. I am regretting getting this personal and real. But let's just say, the words of this song quite literally took my breath away and have been going through my mind all day. Especially that second verse. Whoa! That's 100% me. I need to leave this fake "reality" behind. I have to let it go. I know it's not healthy or right. And it's definitely not normal. But I love it. (𝅘𝅥𝅮It's like I hate it but I love it at the same time𝅘𝅥𝅮). It makes me feel good and safe and happy. At least in the moment. I'm actually scared to leave it because I don't know how I'll function without it. Without those "friends" and "relationships" and "stories" I have there. (𝅘𝅥𝅮I should let 'em go and watch 'em float away but, I'm scared if I do, then I'll be more afraid. Tell them how I feel, but they don't wanna change𝅘𝅥𝅮 - Leave Me Alone, coming at some point in this journey).  This song is literally SCREAMING at me to WAKE UP and stop wasting my life before it's too late (which I often already feel it is...)! The ending of this music video made me burst into tears...and not for the first time while listening to this song (aka the entire second verse!! 💀😭). It feels like this is the "wake up" call (no pun intended) I desperately need in my life right now! Whoo. NF real music is forcing me to be really real. This is brutal! 

You spend your life in a dream that you can't escape

Cause you live your life in a coma, you're never awake

If you'd open your eyes then maybe you'd see what's at stake

You're sleeping, you're sleeping

You make a lot of money and you live in a mansion

And pretty much got everything that you could ever imagine

But you feel like even though you got everything in the world

You got nothing

So what you do then is you start going backwards

You runnin' in a direction

And you lookin' for something that isn't real

And all you know is that you just gotta have it

What you're doin' is sleepin'

And thinking that you're awake and you're not

And the problem is that you don't know what you're after

So you put everything that you have into what you do

Hoping that one day maybe you don't have to feel like you're empty

But as you get older a lot of weight on your shoulders is getting heavy

Then you look back and you start to regret things

You only get one life

And every time you lookin' at yours

You feel like everything you have is a waste!

And the problem and the reason you could never fill a hole in your life

Is because you were never awake

You spend your life in a dream that you can't escape

Cause you live your life in a coma, you're never awake

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!

You wake up in the morning

But you feel like you never got up and go to work

And you feelin' like you ain't got a purpose

And you tryna get motivated but everything you do turns into a mess

Like you ain't nothing but worthless

And, yo, you look around

A lot of these other people you lookin' at

To you, you describe as perfect

So you point a finger at God and tell him to do his job

And fix ya' life up cause nothin' is workin'!

And you will try to hide and make it seem like it's nothin'

But really you feel like everything is crashin' around you

And you develop a problem in trustin' in other people

Which later became an issue that would mentally pound you!

You only get one life

But every time you lookin' at yours you feel like all you ever see are mistakes

And the problem and the reason you could never move forward in life

Is because you were never awake

Wake up

You spend your life in a dream that you can't escape

Cause you live your life in a coma, you're never awake

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!

You spend your life in a dream that you can't escape

Cause you live your life in a coma, you're never awake