NF JOURNEY: CHANGE & NATE
Song(s): Change & Nate
Artist: NF
Wow. I feel CHANGED after listening to these songs! These are so personal...for him and for me.
Change
I had a TERRIBLE night 😪 I couldn't fall asleep and my thoughts were extremely negative. I was overwhelmed by my challenges and the disappointments of my life. I went to that dark place where I wanted to give up, lost in despair and self-pity. A quote from one of my favorite epic fantasy book series came to mind...it's from the novel Rhythm of War by Brandon Sanderson, the fourth book in The Stormlight Archive. I can vividly remember listening to this part for the first time and immediately tearing up because I related to the sentiment so deeply. I even wrote it down: "You just want to stop existing,” Kaladin said. “You don’t want to actually kill yourself, not on most days. But you figure it sure would be convenient if you weren’t around anymore." 😭 EXACTLY. UGH. SO GOOD! I've never considered myself to be "suicidal" as I've never actually had thoughts of harming or killing myself...mostly because I'm too afraid of everything (the one time in my life my fear has been been a good thing!). So this quote summed up my depression PERFECTLY!!
Here's another one that hit home for me from book two of Stormlight: Words of Radiance: ""He felt good lots of days. Trouble was on the bad days that was hard to remember. At those times, for some reason, he felt like he had ALWAYS been in darkness and ALWAYS would be. Why was it so hard to remember? Why did he have to keep slipping back down? Why couldn't he stay up here in the sunlight where everyone else lived?" 👊YEP. #TEAMKALADINFORLIFE #IYKYK
Those quotes sum up exactly how I was thinking and feeling last night. I had had a good day. I'd had several good days in a row for the most part...but when those overwhelmingly bad thoughts and feelings come, it's so hard to remember the positive good things going on. The good I HAVE accomplished. I was feeling so depressed that I felt like nothing was worth it anymore. I don't want to wake up in the morning. I wish I didn't exist. I want my life to go back to how it was...but it can't. EVER. And that simple fact slapped me hard in the face and got me feeling seriously depressed. That's why listening to this song hit me so deeply and I am so emotionally affected by it.
I've currently only been sharing posts on the songs that are part of the "NF JOURNEY" but I have listened to every single song on every one of his album - at least up through The Search. So I remember listening to this one a week or so ago and SOBBING to it...and it's having that same affect on me once again! It's a message I need reminding of constantly.
The lyrics describe exactly where I'm at, but also where I'm trying and hoping to get to at the same time! I tell myself every single night that, starting tomorrow I'm going to start making the changes to get myself to a better, happier, healthier place. Every week I say to myself, "This is it! I'm going to do things different and start making the necessary changes to move forward with my life!" And then I don't. I choose laziness and procrastination and FEAR. Every. Time. I allow fear to make my decisions for me and give in to the heavy, exhausting burden that is depression and let it take precedence. And then I scream at myself and chastise myself for falling victim to these negative forces once again. And then I get ANGRY. So angry my thoughts get negative and I think, "Who cares? What's the point? It's too late for me, nothing is ever going to change so why even try?" Finally, I become numb. Drowning my sorrow, self-hatred and pity with food, music and anything else that can distract me and not let me think about how my "real life" is spiraling in an ever downward direction. It's another reason I resort to my previously mentioned self-diagnosed "maladaptive daydreaming"...so I can escape my reality. I know, not healthy. It's a disgusting coping mechanism I've perfected over the years. It's all a vicious cycle I'm trapped in. My pride and fear of judgment won't let me talk to someone. I feel choked, as if the words are stuck in my throat and refuse to come out. I want to do it all on my own. BUT I CAN'T!! ("Me and pride had made a pact that we don't need no help").
This song is the daily dose of motivation I needed today and every day! HE'S A LYRICAL GENIUS!! 🔥 THE LYRICS ARE BEYOND GREAT!! 😭💓💀🔥 HE IS ON ANOTHER LEVEL! MY MIND IS CONTINUALLY BLOWN OVER AND OVER AGAIN! 💣💥 I BOW TO YOU SIR!! 👑🙇 THE REALEST EVER! 💯 ONE MORE THING: "Been makin' a whole lot of changes. Wrote a song about that, you should play it." 🤯🔥 TWO AND TWO TOGETEHR = HE NAME DROPPED THIS SONG IN THE SEARCH!
Just another song saying the words I can't. It's like he's releasing it all for me. All of the emotions and thoughts I have inside. He's my brain, I swear! I'm really bad with words and knowing how to word things and express myself yet he somehow knows! He knows exactly what I'm feeling and experiencing and doing. It's crazy. I wish I could break down every section, every lyric to every song and explain what it means to me and how I relate but...that would take way too much time that I don't have. Everything is so deep with him! I love it! Thanks NF. I needed this. 👊
Yeah, look
I don't do drugs, I'm addicted to the pain though
Yeah, I been on it for a while, don't know how to put it down
Gotta have it, it's a habit I'ma break though
I just wanna take it a hit, keep sayin' I'ma quit
Keep sayin' I'm a leave but I stay though
I just want a little fix, I don't wanna take a risk
I don't like it when I drift from the safe zone
But lately I been thinkin' I might have to
Lettin' go of things that I'm attached to
World don't stop just because I'm in a bad mood 🔥🔥🙌👊
You don't know what love is
Till you holdin' onto something that you can't lose 😢💔
That's why I'm tryna get it together
Sleeves up, puttin' working in, tryna be better 👊
I like to rap but I ain't gonna do it forever
Forget the charts, I'm refocusing on holding my head up
Moment I get up, I just wanna know I'm doin' my best
And if I'm not, Lord forgive me, you can have the regrets
'Cause I can feel the water tryna go up over my head
Most of my life I always felt like I was holding my breath
Holdin' my chest, to be honest, so I'm tired of it
Lookin' for something in my life to be inspired again
I like to walk around and act like I don't know what it is
But I know what it is, I just never wanna commit, running from (change) 🔥🙏😭
I'm looking for (Change)
I'm searching for (Change)
I'm looking for (Change)
I just want, I just want (Change)
Yeah, I don't like new things
Got a lot of mood swings ✋ ME
Oh you wanna tell me something negative?
I don't wanna hear what you think
Yeah, tossin' in my sleep
Every night feel like two weeks
Thinkin' 'bout how I coulda done this or done that better
Can't help it that's just me (Lies)
That's just me avoidin' the change
Yeah, it's prolly why the issues ain't goin' away
Yeah, it's prolly why I always sit around and complain
Tellin' myself that I ain't never gettin' out of this place 🔥🔥 FIIIIRREEE...SPITTIN' THE COLD HARDS FACTS!
Outta my face, if you tellin' I need to be different
That's the issue though, I'm always insecurity driven 😱😭🙋
Takin' the wrong turns, actin' like I know where I'm headed
Waitin' for somethin' bad to happen 💀 THESE BARZ ARE SO ACCURATE!!
I could snap any minute, I need (Change)
Yeah it's kinda easy to say right?
But difficult to do when I feel like I hate life 😭🙌💔👊
And everyone around me kinda thinks I'm a great guy
But I don't ever think it, so I think I'm a fake, lyin'
(Change) It's something that I know I should do 🔥 FACTS KING
I'm a little uncomfortable to tell you the truth
But to be honest with you lately I got nothin' to lose
See, I've always been full of pain but now I'm makin' some room
Lookin' for (change) 👊✊🙌🙏
I'm looking for (Change)
I'm searching for (Change)
I'm looking for (Change)
I just want, I just want
I need a moment of silence
I don't like change but I'll try it
I don't want to hear what I should or I shouldn't do
Why are they always defiant?
See, all my emotions are liars
All my emotions are violent
They don't want freedom to find me
Mention that name and everybody riots
That's why I'm checkin' my vitals
They keep on workin' but I know
Breathin' don't mean you're alive, so 🔥🔥🤯💣💥🙌 PREEEEEAAAACH!
I bag up all of my trash and walk out on my tightrope
Positive thoughts are my rivals
I'm tryna be on their side though
Should I feel comfortable? I don't 😱😭💣💥👊
Last year I felt suicidal
This year I might do something different like talking to God more 🔥👊🙌🙏😭💓
I'm looking for (Change)
I'm looking for
I'm searching for (Change)
I'm looking for
I just want, I just want (Change)
I'm looking for
I'm searching for (Change)
I'm looking for
I just want, I just want (Change)
I'm looking for
I'm searching for (Change)
I'm looking for
I just want, I just want (Change)
I'm looking for
I'm searching for (Change)
I'm looking for
I just want, I just want (Change)
Nate
I should have guessed how deep this song would hit based on the title but....whoooo. 😰 This was personal. He held NOTHING back and I'm a WRECK! 😭💔 My heart breaks for him...it breaks for me...I just appreciate him so much! I appreciate his willingness to be so brave and vulnerable and transparent. Ugh. This song HURTS to listen too. But it's AMAZING!! I have NEVER been more moved by any artist EVER...that includes Michael and Hanson!! 😳 Still love them both and they're my faves for life but NF...is right there with 'em (and takes the lead for most moving, personal, relatable music). Well deserved might I add! 👏
The audio of what sounds to be a home video where you can hear people singing "Happy Birthday Nathan!" 🗡💔 UGH!! STAB ME IN THE HEART AND WATCH ME BLEED OUT WHY DON'T CHA!! 😭 So, so sad and tender! And that callback to ALL of his past albums and a couple of hard-hitting songs...W-O-W. 👏😮👊
Can we also talk about the fact that Nate is talking to his younger self throughout the song...a very young Nate. That poor little boy went through so much. And would/will continue too. "That's part of life, that's just the way that it goes." I can't help but think back to the little girl I once was...I didn't go through anything quite as traumatic as baby Nate but...I still went through some things. I always knew I was "different." That I wasn't fitting in. That I shouldn't be feeling the way I did. I know I was misunderstood by so many people💔 my parents, teachers, peers, siblings, family, etc. I didn't even understand myself.
I'm so happy for his current success, but as Nate continues to reiterate time and time again...success, money, fame, don't bring happiness. Even getting married and hitting the big milestones in life that you think will somehow force you to be happy, doesn't always work. Which is something I have to keep reminding myself about. Like, I get so jealous over the fact that he at least was able to find someone to love and love him back and get married. I believe if I can just...lose the weight, get married, learn to drive better, etc. then I'LL BE HAPPY! Then again, I've had a lot of "privileges" and things in my life that you'd think would make me "happy" (my dog aside, since I KNOW he made me SO HAPPY!) that haven't. UGH! It's all so real and raw and vulnerable! I understand what he's saying. I'm not lying when I say I've never heard anything like this before! It cuts me to my core!! I put myself in his songs and just WEEP. 😭 It can be hard to hear at times but ultimately, it's SO HEALING. On so many levels. He never misses. Every single track is either a total banger, a tear-jerker, or both! G.O.A.T. 👑🐐
Yeah, sometimes I wanna disappear like I just don't exist
Or find a time machine and take me back when I was six
Maybe younger, either way, I guess the point of it
Would be to tell that little kid that he's gon' take a lotta hits
Yeah, I'd probably grab your hand and tell you life is hard
If you got questions or you need advice, then talk to God
'Cause He's the only one that listens even when you think He isn't
Even good people are great at makin' bad decisions, yeah (Oh) 🔥😭 TOO GOOD, TOO GOOD
They ain't gon' take it serious
You find out pretty quick that life is more than just appearances
I know some things we could avoid to save embarrassment
But everything that breaks you down can also build your character
'Cause people love to see you fail, just be aware of it
Don't let nobody tell you who to be or write your narrative
Look, we're all products of the things that we experience
But there's a big difference between confidence and arrogance
You hearin' this? 🔥🔥 OHHH. OHHH. THIS IS TOO MUCH, IN A GOOD WAY, BUT STILL
I know that you don't get it now, but you gon' get it later
I know you feel like you're alone and no one loves you maybe
And you gon' cover insecurities with lotsa anger 🔥😭
The weird thing is someday all of this will make you famous (Oh)
You start to write about your life and while they're all relatin'
You'll make up a slogan, call it "Real," but feel like you're the fakest 😲💀
Wish I could tell you that your future's nothin' but amazin'
That's just not the case, and I guess I just don't know how to say this 😭
I don't know if you can hear me or not
But if you can, I just want you to know
You gon' make a lotta mistakes
And they gon' laugh in our faces
That's part of life, that's just the way that it goes
(That's just the way that it goes)
And I don't know if you can hear me or not
But if you can, I just need you to get it
I know you been questionin' life
Trust me, I know what it's like
I'm here for you if you need someone to listen
Do you need someone to listen?
See, Mom and Dad are not together, they took different routes
But you probably already knew, you gettin' older now
Remember back when Mom picked us up from Grandma's house?
And she hid her boyfriend in the trunk and drove a couple miles?
Down the street, and then she pulled over to let him out
'Cause she ain't want Dad to know she had these type of dudes around
'Cause last time he found out, he had to take us from her 😭💔
You look uncomfortable, I'm sorry, let me change the subject (Hey)
You know how we've always struggled with abandonment? (Yeah)
And when we feel like someone's leaving, we start panickin'? (Oh) (Yeah)
And yo, I wish I could say I've learned to manage it
You think it's bad now, but you don't know the half of it
Passion is somethin' we have never lacked
We see it the most when we're writin' raps
They think it's funny now, let 'em laugh
I know you think it's just an outlet when you're really mad
But you don't know the platform you're about to have (Oh)
I know some things about the future you ain't ready for
I know some things that you gon' cover up, but can't ignore
And what hurts is they gon' surface at the worst moments
And we gon' act like it don't hurt us, but it hurts, don't it?
We walk around with the devil talkin' on both shoulders
Wish I could tell you that he disappears when we get older
But that's just not the case, and I know you feel out of place
And everything is not okay, and life can be a lot to take, but… 😭🔥 I'M DONE.
I don't know if you can hear me or not
But if you can, I just want you to know
You gon' make a lotta mistakes
And they gon' laugh in our faces
That's part of life, that's just the way that it goes
(That's just the way that it goes)
And I don't know if you can hear me or not
But if you can, I just need you to get it
I know you been questionin' life
Trust me, I know what it's like
I'm here for you if you need someone to listen
Do you need someone to listen?
You know how intoxicated people make us nervous?
To the point sometimes we shake and it feels so disturbin'
Don't be scared, that's just trauma tryna reach the surface
And tell us everyone we love is gonna try to hurt us
Which isn't true, but it's a lie that both of us believe in
Yeah, you might get a glimpse of happiness from your achievements
But what you'll learn as you get older, every time you reach one
Is you'll just make another goal that doesn't lead to freedom
See, some things about to happen that you can't imagine
At 24, you'll drop an album, and you'll call it Mansion
At 25, you'll put out Therapy and gain some traction
Yeah, Perception's coming next, we 'bout to reach the masses
It sounds awesome; at the same time, it doesn't matter
At 27, we'll make millions, but it's really sad 'cause
You learn to realize that none of this will make you happy I DON'T RELATE TO THIS SECTION ON A PERSONAL LEVEL BUT WOWWOWWOWWOW!!! VULNERABILITY TO THE N'TH DEGREE! 😭💔🔥
I wish that I could look at you with empathy
Sometimes I feel like I've become what you were scared to be
Which makes it really hard to look at you with sympathy
'Cause if I'm feeling bad for you, then I have to feel bad for me
And that's just something I feel like we don't deserve
That's why I'm always looking down on you, I know it hurts
I'm sure you have a lot of questions
I've been tryna search to find us both some answers
I'll be here for you if things get worse NOPE. I'M LITERALLY SO DONE! I'VE NEVER...RELATED...TO ANYTHING...SO DEEPLY. IT HURTS SO BAD 😭💔 BUT I LOVE IT! I NEED IT!
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