Rest in Eternal Peace Grandpa 🤍 I love you!!!

I've gained another angel today. 🤍🕊

My beloved, sweet, hilarious, strong, tender, wonderful grandpa passed away peacefully early this morning.

I can't believe he's really gone. I'm at that place of feeling numb and not fully believing it's real and  having a constant sob bubble up in my throat with hot tears streaming down my face. 

It all happened so fast. The last time I saw him when he was "normal" was on Father's Day, June 20th. I wish I'd talked to him more that day. Spent more time with him. That had been a difficult day for me, I was feeling overly anxious and not myself. I can still remember the funny things he did and his big, boisterous laugh! That laugh...I will miss his laugh for the rest of my life!! 💔 It was the biggest, most jovial laugh you ever heard! 

My grandpa's death was so shocking and came so fast. It was so unexpected. One minute he was in our home, laughing, visiting and eating dinner with us and the next he had suffered a stroke, could barely speak and then was gone.

I went and saw him several times last week but he was so heavily medicated he couldn't speak or even see me. I couldn't help but cry every time I saw him, he looked so fragile and weak. I'm really grateful because I got my "This Is Us" private moment with him (the final season of that show hit way too close to home for me! I didn't even know it at the time but wow! 😭). It was just me and my grandpa in his bedroom, alone with the door shut behind me. I thought it was going to be horribly emotional and awkward but it wasn't. In fact, it was really sweet and special and peaceful. I felt the spirit in the room with us. I was able to hold his hand and kiss his forehead and express my love for him. I didn't speak very loud but I pray he heard me. It was emotional but not as bad as I feared it would be. I was able to thank him for being such a wonderful grandpa and for everything he did for me. I told him how happy I was that he'll be reunited with my grandmother again. One of the last things I said to him was that I loved him so much and asked him to take care of my sweet puppy for me 💔🖤🤍 My grandpa always asked after my dog and how he was doing. He loved him and was always amazed by him once he started getting up there in years. "He's in better shape than I am!" He would say 💔🖤🤍 He was really concerned for me after my puppy passed. He knew how much my dog meant to me. We shared a love of walks, the three of us. He always asked about my walks with my dog. I have a vivid memory of going on a walk with my grandpa years ago (before I even had my dog) and I was telling him all about my love for dog's and how badly I wanted one. He was so sweet as he listened to me ramble on and I've always remembered him laughing and saying, "I hope the young fella you end up marrying isn't allergic to dogs or I think that might be a deal-breaker for you! You'll be saying see ya!" 😌 It's true grandpa! 

I miss my grandpa so much already!! And it's only been a day. He was the only grandpa I ever knew and he was one in a million! No other grandfather loved their grandkids the way he did! He said many times during these last couple of years especially, "There's nothing I love more than my great family!" 🤍💔 

I don't have the words to express my love for him! He was amazing in every way! He wasn't perfect but he was a good, good man. He loved the Lord and his family more than life itself! He loved to laugh and had the quickest and sharpest wit. He was so funny! He always had a mischievous glint in his eye! My grandpa was a GIANT of a man! Bigger than life! He loved messing around with and teasing the boys but his girls, his daughters and granddaughters alike, he adored! He never gave us a hard time! He had the biggest sweet tooth and passed that on to all of his grandkids. Oreos and Orange Sticks were his biggest weakness and will forever be associated with him. And pancakes! My grandpa looooved his pancakes! 🥞

My grandpa never missed a single birthday. I think the "Happy Birthday Song" was one of his favorite songs in the world! He was always the first one to start it off after the last gift had been opened and right before cake and ice-cream (his other favorite part about birthdays). He was there every Christmas morning, waiting for us as we anxiously came in to see what Santa had left, every year up to this last one! The only gift he wanted was to see us happy. Seriously, he never wanted gifts! His favorite gifts were simply just being together, singing carols and receiving pictures of his family (especially his grandkids) and his Savior. My grandpa loves his Savior who I know was there to welcome him home today, with his arms open wide. My grandpa was such a tender-hearted man. He may have had a rough side from his years spent working out on his family farm with rough people (he could have a potty mouth sometimes, if the situation was stressful enough 😂) but he was also the sweetest man. He wasn't afraid to show his emotions. I saw him cry many times, most of those times were from pure gratitude and love. He was steadfast in the gospel and loved the Lord. He always referred to Jesus Christ as "My Savior." He always had a hug for each one of us and in these most recent years he would kiss my hand whenever I would see him. It was the sweetest, most tender gesture of love. 

My emotions have been all over the place these last two weeks. The worst part was the waiting game. Knowing it was inevitable. You never want someone to die, but when you know it's going to happen and there's nothing else you can do...it's excruciating. I'll be forever grateful having had that final, private moment with him. It helped me feel at peace over a very sad situation. I felt like I was able to say what I needed to.

I have struggled with feelings of intense guilt and regret. Something I have felt keenly with all of the deaths I've faced this past year. I should have spent more time with him. I should have talked with him more. I should have done more. I hate myself when I think about it. I hate that I'm selfish and weak and angry and anxious and awkward. I let myself hold myself back from doing and saying the things I should have done and said. It's shameful and it kills me to the core. I also feel so much sadness in knowing my grandpa never got to see me thrive. I know he was worried and concerned about me and the direction my life was going...which is nowhere. He'll never get to see me happy. He'll never see me get married and have kids, something I know he wanted for me so badly. I'm so sorry grandpa! I'm so sorry I failed. I wish you could have met my future kids, if I ever get to have kids in this life. I know you always believed I should be a mother.

As much sadness, pain and guilt I feel surrounding my grandpa's passing, I feel a peace and even happiness in knowing where he is now, free of the aches and pains old age had brought to his life. It makes me smile through my tears knowing who was there to greet him when his spirit finally left his body. His beloved wife, who he's been parted from for so many years. I can only imagine that sweet reunion!! So much love and happiness! There are others there too; his parents, a sister, two of his best friends 💓 I'm sure he'll see my other grandma as well; he always loved and admired her. He finally gets to meet my other grandpa. My grandpa loved my dad so much. He was like a son to him, and the father my dad never had in his adult years. I'm sure my other grandpa is expressing his love and gratitude to my grandfather for taking such good care of his son. For taking good care of all of us. I hope he is giving my puppy dog the biggest hug for me and will take him on his walks every day. 💔🖤🤍

Grandpa, I love you so, so much! More than I could ever express! Thank you so much for everything you did for me and my family! You blessed each of our lives in so many ways! Thank you for loving each and every one of us with your whole heart! We all felt your love every day! And still do! Thank you for raising my mom to be the beautiful, sweet, compassionate soul that she is! I know you two were so close and shared such a sweet bond! I have seen first hand what incredible strength she has, in the way she cared for you during these last several months. Thank you for showing us all what a real man is; how a real man should be. Strong and compassionate. Not afraid to shed a few tears every now and then. To express the feelings of his heart to the ones he loves most. Thank you for your sense of humor and infectious laugh, I miss it so much but I'll never forget it! I can still hear it, even now! Say hello to grandma for me! 💕 Tell her I love her and miss her and am grateful that she's been an angel for me for so many years! Hug my sweet puppy tightly and tell him I love him!! Please take him on his walks!! You both loved your walks. I hope you'll enjoy several together until I get there to join you both! 🖤🤍 I love you and will miss you every day until we meet again! I know you'll always be with me, watching over me and helping me when I'm weak. I know you always loved me and for some reason, were always proud of me. I hope to really give you a reason to be proud someday!! You worked so hard your entire life, you deserve to rest. Until we meet again, I love you forever and always grandpa!! 🤍 

Songs Dedicated to the BEST Grandfather, Husband, Father, Brother, Son, Uncle and Friend who ever graced this world with his bigger than life presence:

With You in Your Dreams

My go-to song in times like these. This song will always belong to my puppy dog first and foremost, but I know he doesn't mind sharing it yet again. 💔🖤🤍 The words in this song are the sentiment I know my grandpa, grandma and my dog would say to me at this moment. 

If I'm gone when you wake up

Please don't cry

And if I'm gone when you wake up

It's not goodbye

Don't look back at this time as a time

Of heartbreak and distress

Remember me, remember me

'Cause I'll be with you in your dreams

Oh I'll be with you, oh oh

But If I'm gone when you wake up

Please don't cry

And if I'm gone when you wake up

Don't ask why

Don't look back at this time

As a time of heartbreak and distress

Remember me, remember me

'Cause I'll be with you in your dreams

Oh oh

Don't cry, I'm with you

Don't cry, I'm by your side

Don't cry, I'm with you

Don't cry, I'm by your side

And though my flesh is gone, whoa

I'll still be with you at all times

And although my body's gone, oh

I'll be there to comfort you at all times

Oh oh

But If I'm gone when you wake up

Please don't cry

And if I'm gone when you wake up

Don't ask why

Don't look back at this time

As a time of heartbreak and distress

Remember me, remember me

'Cause I'll be with you

I'll be with you in your dreams

Oh, I'll be with you

Oh

I'll be with you in your dreams

I'll be with you

I'll be with you

I don't want you to cry and weep, oh

I want you to go on living your life

I'm not sleeping an endless sleep, oh

'Cause in your heart

You have all of our good times

Oh, all of our good times

Oh oh you have

And if I'm gone when you wake up

Don't ask why

Don't look back at this time

As a time of heartbreak and distress

Remember me, remember me

'Cause I'll be with you in your dreams

Oh

I'll be with you in your dreams

I'll be with you

Oh

I'll be with you

I'll be with you in your dreams

I'll be with you in your dreams...

Never Let Go

Another song dedicated to my grandpa that he now shares with my grandma and puppy. I love you forever grandpa and I'll never, ever, ever let go!! 🤍💔

Just lay down

And let your worries sleep

Don't think now

Of waters dark and deep

'Cause you know that I'll love you

And never let go

And you know

That I'll love you forever

I'll love you and never let go

Just cry out

Yeah I've cried those tears before

I can feel it now

As your teardrops hit the floor

'Cause you know

That I'll love you and never let go

And you know

That I'll love you forever

I'll love you and never let go

Yes I love you and never let go

You don't have to ask me do I love you

As I hold you it says how much I do

I'm yours until forever is through

Every time I stand before you

I know I'd lay my life down for you

I'll never let

Not ever let go

Go

Just lay down

Put your worried thoughts to bed

As slumber pulls you down

On my shoulder rest your head

'Cause you know

That I love you and never let go

And you know

That I'll love you forever

I'll love you and never let go

Yes I love you and never let go

Never let go, never let go

Never let never let go never let go

Never let go, never let go

Never let never let go never let go

Go

I'll never let go, go

I'll never let go, go

Happy Home

As I've been waiting for this terrible day to come, this song came to my mind. I know a big reason I have been privileged to live in a happy home all my life has been in large part due to my grandpa. His constant love and light, support and genuine joy in life has brought so much happiness to our home and family. His smile could light up a room! One line in particular that has always made me think of my grandpa since the first time I ever heard this song is: "Did my grandaddy know he taught me what a poem was? How you can use a sentence or just a simple pause." My grandpa loved poetry! From his silly little sayings, to the sweetest, most tender poem he wrote at his good friends passing, he had a gift for poetry. 🤍

Mama called about the paper turns out they wrote about me

Now my broken heart's the only thing that's broke about me

So many people should have seen what we got going on

I only wanna put my heart and my life in songs

Writing about the pain I felt with my (grand)-daddy gone

About the emptiness I felt when I sat alone

About the happiness I feel when I sing it loud

He should have heard the noise we made with the happy crowd

Did my grandaddy know he taught me what a poem was

How you can use a sentence or just a simple pause

What will I say when my kids ask me who my (grand)-daddy was

I thought about it for a while and I'm at a loss

Knowing that I'm gonna live my whole life without him

I found out a lot of things I never knew about him

All I know is that I'll never really be alone

Cause we gotta lot of love and a happy home

Magazines are writing stuff but I don't ever read them

Some of the folks I used to know would see and start believing

That I would pass them by on streets and never reach to greet them

I still remember folks even though I rarely meet them

Don't you know I miss the times when we used to hang

Before twenty deep depended on a single man

Before a single heart was broken by a single blow

Before all our careers depended on a single show

I grew up with a lot of love in a Happy Home

Now I got a lot of cash and I'm on a road

I realize privacy's becoming difficult

It's all right now but what about when I'm old

I know my good friends now they'll last

The same ones that stood by me when my daddy past

All I know is that we'll never really be alone

Cause we got a lot of love and a happy home

I write a lot of songs will anybody ever read them

You hear them on the radio but will you really read them

Why do we have our idols and why do we wanna be them

After we see them on TV we really wanna meet them

Don't you think they miss the time when they used to hang

Before a fan base depended on a single man

Before a single heart was broken by a single show

Who's gonna stand who's gonna fall I really wanna know

I grew up with a lot of love in a happy home

My daddy use to play me vinyl but now daddy's gone

I used to practice with my mommy on the piano

I still get nervous every time I know she's at a show

Now my family comes first before everyone

I had the perfect (grand)-dad I wanna be the perfect son (granddaughter)

Though I really feel sometimes I'm on my own

I know I got a lot of love and a happy home

Together Forever Someday

🙏🙏🤍

Well, it's hard to say good bye and let go

And it's hard to see it end

When the mem'ries we've just made

May never happen again.

But it's harder for time to ever erase

The together times we've shared.

So, when we're apart remember

All the love we shared together

And for all that love,

Thank the Lord above

Who showed us the way

That we can be together, forever someday