Rest In Eternal Peace Grandma 🤍 I love you!!!

My amazing, beautiful, strong, wonderful, sweet Grandma passed away right before midnight last night.

It's still hard for me wrap my mind around this. It all happened so fast. 

I feel numb. And sad. And angry. And guilty. And just really depressed. I know this was what was best. She was ready. Her body was spent. She lived 93 really wonderful years. She deserves to rest now. But it's still so, so hard. 

Guilt seems to be a dominant emotion for me when it comes to loss. I should have spent more time with her. I should have called her more. It kills me that she will never meet my future husband and children. Why couldn't I have gotten my life together so she could have seen me fulfilled and happy!? I can't let myself be consumed by the guilt and regret. I did see her often. I did have some wonderful and special times with her. I did the best I could. Of course, I could have done more but I can't dwell on that. 

One of my last visits with her was so sweet and special. And she was doing so well! She didn't seem sick at all. I went back two days later and things had gone downhill quickly. She was really struggling to move and stay awake. I sobbed saying my last good-bye. My grandma is so special to me and I miss her terribly! And I know I was special to her, she told me all of the time and always remembered my name (even when her memory was fading and she had a hard time remembering most people's names. She never forgot me). 

Ugh! This is not OK! It's not OK with me!! I hate this!! 😭💔 It's still hard to believe it's happened. All day Monday and Tuesday I had been in a funk. I was moody and lazy and extremely unproductive. I guess I knew it was coming and was already feeling depressed. I did a lot of emotional eating and isolated myself in my bedroom all day long. And then last night my dad sent us a text to let us know she was gone. Those words still haunt me. I really thought she would live to be 100! She was so strong and healthy her entire life! If it hadn't been for this awful cancer, she probably would have. It just doesn't seem fair and I'm having a hard time accepting it. All of this has been triggering for me and bringing back a lot of the feelings of hopelessness and utter devastation from when I lost my dog 💔 I'm realizing I don't handle death well. 

I miss you deeply Grandma! It hurts to know there will be no more sweet visits. My Grandma is the strongest woman I know. She led a perfect life (in my eyes). She handled every challenge and trial with immense faith and humility. She saw God in everything. She was always bearing her testimony and sharing her love for her family. She always let us know how much she loved us for us. She didn't care what we looked like or the choices we made. She loved us because of who we are. She never judged anyone. She saw the good in everyone. She could always express her gratitude in such a tender and sweet way you really felt it and knew she meant it. My Grandma loved to serve and told me not very long ago that that is how she found happiness again after my Grandpa died. She didn't think she could ever be happy again, but she was. She found joy in serving others. She loved to teach and share the gospel. She was a friend to everyone and shared her love for the Savior with everyone. There was never any doubt in my mind that she believed in Jesus Christ and gave all glory to Him. She acknowledged every good thing in her life came from God.

Thank you for everything Grandma! For the sleepovers, making me yummy food and teaching me how to make some of your famous recipes. Thank you for raising my dad to be the strong, faithful, charitable, humble, wonderful man that he is. It all comes from you. You raised him mostly on your own and I see so much of you in him. I hope I have some of you in me as well. Thank you for always being willing and eager to share your testimony. Thank you for your sense of humor and sharing your perspective on life. For always sending me a birthday card with a $5 bill every year. For always wanting to hear about my life and telling me how much you love me with so much tenderness and feeling I knew without a shadow of a doubt that you did (and still do). I hope to be just like you! To be a friend to all. To have greater faith and trust in the Lord and His timing and in His gospel. To be even half the wife and mother you are! You have left quite a legacy behind you! I know Heaven welcomed you home with a chorus of angels! You have led an exemplary life and deserve all the goodness and glory God has to offer! I weep tears of pure joy and happiness knowing you finally get to be reunited with your sweetheart! I wish I could have seen that reunion!! I pray I'll live my life in such a way that I can be remembered with the same love and fondness you're life will always be remembered by all who knew you! Please give my boy a hug for me and look after him for me! I wouldn't trust anyone else but you to love and care for him until I get there! I can't wait for the day when we'll all be together again! I know you'll always be with me and I will try to live a better life where I'll be able to feel you here with me at all times. I pray the veil is very thin. Heaven gained the most beautiful and perfect angel to ever pass through it's gates! Go and be at peace. 🕊 I love you so much Grandma!!! 🤍 

Songs Dedicated to the BEST Grandmother, Wife, Mother, Sister, Daughter, Aunt, Friend and Angel who ever graced this world with her presence:

Supermarket Flowers

Ed Sheeran wrote this song about his grandmothers passing. The words are heartbreakingly accurate and describe my feelings and the kind of person my grandma was perfectly 💔 When God took you back, he said, "Hallelujah, you're home"

I took the supermarket flowers from the windowsill

I threw the day-old tea from the cup

Packed up the photo album Matthew had made

Memories of a life that's been loved

Took the "Get Well Soon" cards and stuffed animals

Poured the old ginger beer down the sink

Dad always told me, "Don't you cry when you're down"

But, mom, there's a tear every time that I blink

Oh, I'm in pieces. It's tearing me up but I know

A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved

So, I'll sing Hallelujah

You were an angel in the shape of my mum

When I fell down you'd be there holding me up

Spread your wings as you go

And when God takes you back

He'll say, "Hallelujah, you're home"

I fluffed the pillows, made the beds, stacked the chairs up

Folded your nightgowns neatly in a case

John said he'd drive, then put his hand on my cheek

And wiped a tear from the side of my face

And I hope that I see the world as you did 'cause I know

A life with love is a life that's been lived

So, I'll sing Hallelujah

You were an angel in the shape of my mum

When I fell down you'd be there holding me up

Spread your wings as you go

When God takes you back

He'll say, "Hallelujah, you're home"

Hallelujah

You were an angel in the shape of my mum

You got to see the person I have become

Spread your wings and I know

That when God took you back, he said, "Hallelujah, you're home"

With You In Your Dreams

This song will always belong to my puppy dog but I'm sure he won't mind sharing it with my Grandma. I couldn't pass it up because, as Taylor Hanson has stated before, he wrote this song after his grandmother passed. When he was 12 years old. It's one of the most beautiful, heart-felt tributes I have ever heard. I really feel like these are the words my Grandma would say to me and the way she wants me to live.

If I'm gone when you wake up

Please don't cry

And if I'm gone when you wake up

It's not goodbye

Don't look back at this time as a time

Of heartbreak and distress

Remember me, remember me

'Cause I'll be with you in your dreams

Oh I'll be with you, oh oh

But If I'm gone when you wake up

Please don't cry

And if I'm gone when you wake up

Don't ask why

Don't look back at this time

As a time of heartbreak and distress

Remember me, remember me

'Cause I'll be with you in your dreams

Oh oh

Don't cry, I'm with you

Don't cry, I'm by your side

Don't cry, I'm with you

Don't cry, I'm by your side

And though my flesh is gone, whoa

I'll still be with you at all times

And although my body's gone, oh

I'll be there to comfort you at all times

Oh oh

But If I'm gone when you wake up

Please don't cry

And if I'm gone when you wake up

Don't ask why

Don't look back at this time

As a time of heartbreak and distress

Remember me, remember me

'Cause I'll be with you

I'll be with you in your dreams

Oh, I'll be with you

Oh

I'll be with you in your dreams

I'll be with you

I'll be with you

I don't want you to cry and weep, oh

I want you to go on living your life

I'm not sleeping an endless sleep, oh

'Cause in your heart

You have all of our good times

Oh, all of our good times

Oh oh you have

And if I'm gone when you wake up

Don't ask why

Don't look back at this time

As a time of heartbreak and distress

Remember me, remember me

'Cause I'll be with you in your dreams

Oh

I'll be with you in your dreams

I'll be with you

Oh

I'll be with you

I'll be with you in your dreams

I'll be with you in your dreams...

Evergreen

"For all the weight she carried she ain't tired. I spend my whole life trying to be more like her" 🌹😭🤍💔 My grandma was the first person to come to my mind when I first heard this song.

There is a box in the attic

We take it down each year

And pass through generations, lights and souvenirs

From the ones who came before us

The reason why we're here

Singing all these carols and spreading all this cheer

Don't forget, never lose

All the joy that's made for you

So come on, girl, let's sit by the fire

I want to tell you a story about my mother

How she would give up everything for her daughter's dreams

Yeah, a mother's love is evergreen

For all the weight she carried, she ain't tired

I spend my whole life trying to be more like her

So on every Christmas Eve

I thank my family tree

Yeah, a mother's love gave us everything

Oh, a mother's love is evergreen

There were hard times we struggled

She'd never let me see

Kept food on the table, and gifts under the tree

Now that I'm a little older, it isn't lost on me

The magic of tradition, and the memories we keep

So don't forget, as time goes on

All the joy is never gone

So come on, boy, let's sit by the fire

I want to tell you a story about my mother

How she would give up everything

For her little boy's dreams

Yeah, a mother's love is evergreen

For all the weight she carried, she ain't tired

I spend my whole life trying to be more like her

So on every Christmas Eve

I thank my family tree

Yeah, a mother's love gave us everything

Oh, a mother's love is evergreen

For all the weight she carried, she ain't tired

I spend my whole life trying to be more like her

So on every Christmas Eve

We gather round the family tree

Yeah, a mother's love gave us everything

Oh, a mother's love is evergreen