a year of heartbreak 🖤🤍💔

One year.

One year since our last cuddle.

One year since the last time I felt your kisses on my face as you licked away the tears that wouldn't stop.

One year since I held you in my arms and hugged you close.

What I would give to go back and share one more day with you. To feel you in my arms again. To smell you and hear you and see you in real life. What I would give to go back 1, 5, 10 years. So we could be together again. I would relive it all. Every single thing. Just to be with you. 💔

I didn't know how to commemorate the one year mark of the worst day of my life. "Celebrating" felt like the wrong word to use. But of course I want to remember and honor my sweet puppy dog today. I didn't get to spend the day as I would have liked. I wanted more time to myself; to listen to the music that I've dedicated to him and spend the day looking at all the photos and videos of his life. His perfect life. 🤍🖤

All month I've been anticipating this day. It started with your birthday and then all the "last" anniversaries; i.e. our last visit to the vet. His last haircut. I still regret that. I should never have put him through that; I'll never get those hours back. 💔

One thing that upsets me the most is the fact that today is the very last day I can ever think to myself "A year ago my puppy was here." The last day I'll ever get a snapchat memory from a year ago, or a "on this day one year ago..." memory from google photos. It truly breaks my heart 💔 Every single day since you've been gone, I've thought about that. On every holiday and any ordinary day of the week. A year ago from today, you were still here. At least for a few hours. I remember waking up early and hearing you as you slept peacefully next to me and snapping the very last pictures I would ever take of you. It was a blessing you had had such a restful night considering how bad the coughing was getting. I remember walking you around the house for the last time; giving you the homemade treats I had made. You were so excited! You had the heart of a champion puppy! You were young and happy until the very end. Even when you were in pain, you could still muster up the energy to be excited for some goodies! That's one reason it was so hard to let you go. I felt like you would live forever, you were still so young at heart! I know you held on as long as you did for my sake. You're the most selfless person I have ever known. I know you didn't want to leave me. But I had to let you go because you're body was so tired. It was in so much pain; you're sight was gone, you're hearing was bad, you had arthritis and the fluid kept building up in your lungs making it more and more difficult for you to breathe without causing you pain. But I know you have kept enduring it all just because you loved me. You wanted to stay with me for as long as you could. You were loyal to the very end. 🖤🤍💔

At exactly 12 AM this morning I listened to the songs I dedicated to you a year ago. I cried as I listened and thought about you. As I held your collar in my hand and brought your box to my bed. As I felt your fur that I had cut from your tail a year ago. It's still so soft. I even went outside in the backyard at 1 AM. It's been over a year since I've done that. Since our late night bathroom breaks. I miss them. I miss hearing you're little scratch at the door. And then the random spurts of energy you'd get where you'd want to play! I'm sorry I was often grouchy and irritated during those times. 😢 The place where you're food & water dishes used to sit still looks wrong. I'm still careful when I walk barefoot out in the backyard, thinking I might step in one of your "little surprises" only to remind myself...there are no more "little surprises" to be wary of. And that makes me sad again. I avoided going in the backyard for months when you first left us. 

I can't believe 365 days have passed since we were last together. It doesn't feel possible you've been gone that long. Not a day passes that I don't think about you. Look at your picture. Miss you. Terribly. It hurts. I miss our walks and our routine. I miss every single thing about you. I miss your familiar smell. There have been times I still catch a whiff of your scent. I've had dreams that you're still here and I've never been more depressed then when I wake up and realize it was just a dream. And you really are gone. I close my eyes and try to go back to where you are. I dread waking up in the morning knowing you're not here. 💔

It's been the hardest year of my life. And that's no exaggeration. I'm lost without you puppy dog. You were my everything. My heart is still shattered, broken into a million pieces, never to be whole again. I really feel like I can't be happy without you. I wish I could be with you. I don't feel like anyone needs me or cares about me here as much as you did.

There are two quotes from the show This Is Us that really resonated with me when I heard them. Both made me think instantly puppy:

First, when Rebecca is about to pass away and she says to William: "This is quite sad isn't it? The end?" William replies with this touching remark: "Oh, I don't know. The way I see it, if something makes you sad when it ends, it must have been pretty wonderful when it was happening." 🤍 He continues: "Truth be told, I've always felt it a bit lazy to just think of the world as sad. Because so much of it is. Because everything ends. Everything dies. But if you step back...if you step back and look at the whole picture...if you're brave enough to allow yourself the gift of a really wide perspective...if you do that...you'll see that the end is not sad. It's just the start of the next incredibly beautiful thing." 

My dog was the most wonderful blessing in my life and that's why, a year later, I'm still really, really sad.

This next quote sums up exactly how I felt the day my dog was put to rest and every day since (especially today). When I heard Randall say this, I started bawling because it took me back to that day a year ago when I had these same feelings. I'm changing some of the words to fit my situation a little better but it's mostly word for word: "It all just feels so...pointless. I spent my entire childhood worrying about losing him...spent the past 7 years abjectly terrified of it. And now he's gone. And yet...the birds chirp on. I notice that I'm hungry. Five minutes ago I thought about work. Tomorrow I'll shower. It all just feels so pointless." 😭

I remember feeling so guilty when I felt hungry and wanted to eat later that day. I felt guilty for smiling or laughing or listening to music (that wasn't depressing) for months after (and still do at times). I couldn't listen to my Apple Music for at least a month after he was gone because I didn't want to erase the list of songs I listened to during our final walk. I had to use a free trial on Spotify to listen to anything. I couldn't pick up the clothes I'd worn to the hospital that day off my floor for weeks. I remember exactly what I wore and I couldn't wear those clothes for almost a year. In fact, I wore that outfit for the first time only a week ago and felt a deep sadness immediately come over me. I felt guilty for doing anything "normal" for a long time - and as I've mentioned, still do, often. My life had just been turned upside down and my heart was shattered, how could I still feel these "normal" emotions? How come I eventually stopped crying? Even now, I haven't cried as much as I thought I would throughout the day. I cried a lot last night aka early this morning but as I've listened to my playlist and looked through the pictures and videos, I haven't cried as much as I thought I would. As much as I want to. Maybe I'm too emotionally drained. Physically and mentally exhausted. I want to cry but I can't. 

One thing I have been able to do is smile more when I look at the pictures and videos. I think it's one of the first times I've been able to do that since a year ago. I remember all the good and happy moments we shared. How much he loved just being wherever I was. I miss my little shadow. I miss having him just hanging out with me in our room. He was just always there. One of my favorite things was when my family would tell me whenever I was away for an extended period of time, they would find my dog lying by the front door, waiting for me to come home 💓 My mom sent me a picture of him sleeping by the door when I was gone for two weeks a couple years ago. It was the sweetest thing I'd ever seen! I've never seen such devotion and love displayed then in that picture!

I love you endlessly puppy dog! You brought so much love and happiness to my life! I miss you more as each day passes. Going into this second year without you makes me feel numb. I feel hopeless at times. But I'll keep you with me forever! I know you're not that far away. I know you're not "sleeping an endless sleep." In my heart, I have all our good times. I will cherish them forever! I know I'll see you again! I don't know when, I wish it could be soon, but I know I will see you again. Thank you for giving me a lifetime of love! It wasn't long enough but it was the privilege of a lifetime to have been so loved by you!! Gone but never, ever forgotten!!! 🖤🤍💔 I love you with my whole, broken heart!!! Always and forever! Keep sending me butterflies*!! 🦋

In Memory of the Best Dog, my Best and most Loyal Friend and my Forever Angel Pup 🤍🕊  I'll never forget you, I love you with every beat of my shattered heart 🖤🤍💔

Poems dedicated to My Dog:

I'll Never Forget a Dog Named Beau - Jimmy Stewart

I found this powerful, tear-jerking poem by the legendary Jimmy Stewart when I was looking up ideas on how to remember and honor your beloved pet on the one year mark since they've been gone. Anyone who has ever had and loved a dog will get sucker punched right in the gut when they hear this poem with tears flowing like a river. 😭

He never came to me when I would call

Unless I had a tennis ball,

Or he felt like it,

But mostly he didn't come at all.

When he was young

He never learned to heel

Or sit or stay,

He did things his way.

Discipline was not his bag

But when you were with him things sure didn't drag.

He'd dig up a rosebush just to spite me (not a rosebush, but he did dig under our gate a couple of times! 😄)

And when I'd grab him, he'd turn and bite me (there was a time when he bit almost anyone who tried to pick him up, everyone except me and my dad 💕)

He bit lots of folks from day to day,

The delivery boy was his favorite prey.

The gas man wouldn't read our meter,

He said we owned a real man-eater.

He set the house on fire

But the story's long to tell.

Suffice it to say that he survived

And the house survived as well.

On the evening walks, and Gloria took him,

He was always first out the door.

The Old One and I brought up the rear

Because our bones were sore.

He would charge up the street with Mom hanging on,

What a beautiful pair they were!

And if it was still light and the tourists were out,

They created a bit of a stir.

But every once in a while, he would stop in his tracks

And with a frown on his face look around.

It was just to make sure that the Old One was there

And would follow him where he was bound.

We are early-to-bedders at our house -- I guess I'm the first to retire.

And as I'd leave the room he'd look at me

And get up from his place by the fire.

He knew where the tennis balls were upstairs,

And I'd give him one for a while.

He would push it under the bed with his nose

And I'd fish it out with a smile.

And before very long He'd tire of the ball

And be asleep in his corner In no time at all.

And there were nights when I'd feel him climb upon our bed

And lie between us,

And I'd pat his head.

And there were nights when I'd feel this stare

And I'd wake up and he'd be sitting there

And I reach out my hand and stroke his hair.

And sometimes I'd feel him sigh and I think I know the reason why.

He would wake up at night

And he would have this fear

Of the dark, of life, of lots of things,

And he'd be glad to have me near.

And now he's dead.

And there are nights when I think I feel him

Climb upon our bed and lie between us,

And I pat his head.

And there are nights when I think I feel that stare

And I reach out my hand to stroke his hair,

But he's not there.

Oh, how I wish that wasn't so,

I'll always love a dog named Beau 🖤🤍💔

The Power of the Dog - Rudyard Kipling

There is sorrow enough in the natural way

From men and women to fill our day;

And when we are certain of sorrow in store,

Why do we always arrange for more?

Brothers and Sisters, I bid you beware

Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.

Buy a pup and your money will buy

Love unflinching that cannot lie—

Perfect passion and worship fed

By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.

Nevertheless it is hardly fair

To risk your heart for a dog to tear.

When the fourteen years which Nature permits

Are closing in asthma, or tumour, or fits,

And the vet’s unspoken prescription runs

To lethal chambers or loaded guns,

Then you will find—it’s your own affair—

But… you’ve given your heart to a dog to tear.

When the body that lived at your single will,

With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!).

When the spirit that answered your every mood

Is gone—wherever it goes—for good,

You will discover how much you care,

And will give your heart to a dog to tear.

We’ve sorrow enough in the natural way,

When it comes to burying Christian clay.

Our loves are not given, but only lent,

At compound interest of cent per cent.

Though it is not always the case, I believe,

That the longer we’ve kept ’em, the more do we grieve:

For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,

A short-time loan is as bad as a long—

So why in—Heaven (before we are there)

Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?

🖤🤍😭

💔

I don't know how life keeps going on; but it does...and it isn't the same 💔

Songs dedicated to My Dog:

And So It Goes - Billy Joel

Courtesy of This Is Us, once again. I immediately thought of you sweet puppy 🖤😔💔

In every heart there is a room

A sanctuary safe and strong

To heal the wounds from lovers past

Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones

You answered me with no pretense

And still I feel I said too much

My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose

It seems I only felt the thorns

And so it goes, and so it goes

And so will you, soon, I suppose

But if my silence made you leave

Then that would be my worst mistake

So I will share this room with you

And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed

It's just as well for all I've seen

And so it goes, and so it goes

And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you

That's if the choice were mine to make

But you can make decisions too

And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes

And you're the only one who knows

Like A River Runs - Bleachers & Sia

😭🖤🤍💔

I woke up thinking you were still here

My hands shaking with regret

I've held this dream for such a long long time

And I wanna get up

To the rhythm of a wild, to the rhythm of a wild heart

That beats, that beats like a rolling drum

I saw you standing on the corner

I saw you standing on your own

And I get the feeling that it's, it's all a dream

And I wanna get up

To the rhythm of a wild, to the rhythm of a wild heart

That beats, that beats like a drum

When I fall asleep I can see your face

What I lost in you I will not replace

And I could run away, I could let them down

But I will remember your light

Your light it follows me in darkness

I'm trying hard but I can't win

And I've played the victim for a long long time

And I wanna grow up

From the rhythm a young, from the rhythm of a younger heart

It leads just like a river runs

That night I sent over the parkway

The summer's gone and I'm alone

And I get the feeling that you're somewhere close

And I wanna get up

To the rhythm of your wild, to the rhythm of your wild heart

It beats, been beating since you've gone

When I fall asleep I can see your face

What I lost in you I will not replace

And I could run away, I could let them down

But I will remember

When I fall asleep I can see your face

What I lost in you I will not replace

And I could run away, I could let them down

And I know you're gone but still

I will remember your light

I will remember

I will remember

I will remember

I will remember

And if you see me in the darkness

I hope you know I'm not alone

I carry you with every breath I take

I won't let up, I won't let up

Until the wind is gone

*I was disappointed I didn't see any butterflies today...I didn't get to be outside as much as I would have liked to. But I did see a cloud that looked like my dog. It looked as he did in his last few years, a little more stooped and bent over, but it made my heart a little happier! My forever angel!