Back to the Isalnd 2024 "At Home" Kick-Off! 🌴🌊🏖🎉

Hanson's annual Back to the Island (BTTI) music retreat begins today. Another year I can't go. Another year of FOMO and regret. 💔😔

I was planning on doing my "own" BTTI from home. Like, watching old BTTI videos shared via youtube or Hanson.net, making a tropical smoothie, listening to "beachy" music, stuff like that. I haven't done anything like that yet, but I guess I still have time to start.

I've had an extremely depressing week. My mental health is completely shot and I feel so angry and sad. I can't pull myself out of this hole of depression and I don't really want to. I don't have hope. And it's sad. I truly just don't believe my life will ever get better, that I will ever change. There's no hope left for me. I wasted all of my chances, it's too late. I hate myself and don't feel like I deserve happiness, hope, love, change. The thing that really hurts is the neglect from my family. They don't reach out. I've been alone in my room for a week straight, emerging only to get food and use the bathroom. I literally "called in sick" on my work days due to my mental stress and fatigue. I feel like my parents have given up on me and that sucks. It makes me angry at them. I can't believe they're letting me suffer alone like this and just go about their day. (𝅘𝅥𝅮I guess I'm a disappointment...That's parents for you. Very loyal? Shoulda had my back, but you put a knife in it; my hands are full𝅘𝅥𝅮) . You can read more about my thoughts on my relationship with my parents if you follow that link. Almost a year later and things are exactly the same. 

Sorry. Didn't mean to go there with today's post. This is suppose to be fun and happy and about something I love that brings me joy which is Hanson and their music!

I'm going to post a song from a past BTTI event each day for the next five days, the length of the current ongoing event. Trying to bring a like Jamaican beach life to my cold and SNOWY (yes, NOW it decides to dump snow!) environment.

From BTTI 2015: Believe - Taylor solo

This song feels applicable and relatable to my current life situation and circumstances. 😣😢

I was holding on, now I'm letting go
This is nothing more than a picture show
Everything I knew now I hardly know
Busy keeping less never getting more
One more nickel dime I'm out the door
This kind of life I can't afford

I want to believe
There's something to believe
I would live only
Just to believe
Oh, I'd love to believe
It's not only me that's longing
Only just to believe
'Cause I want to believe
I want to believe

Can't put my mind at ease with the words I say
Trying to get myself to get out of my way
Birds in the trees just make me depressed
Seeing sunny skies, feeling emptiness

Layers of lies just seem to fold
This kind of life is all I know

I want to believe
There's something to believe
I would live only
Just to believe
Oh, I'd love to believe
It's not only me that's longing
Only just to believe
'Cause I want to believe
I want to believe

Murder wears a friendly smile
Like the perfect end in a plastic vial
No pain
Sorry I can't seem to stay
But this bird was meant to fly away
Fly away, fly away

Layers of lies just seem to fold
This kind of life is all I know

I want to believe
There's something to believe
I would live only
Just to believe
Oh, I'd love to believe
It's not only me that's longing
Only just to believe
'Cause I want to believe
I want to believe

I will believe
I'd love to believe
I can believe in something
I will believe
I'd love to believe
I can't believe in nothing