Grateful For Music Challenge Day 27

Song(s): I Can't Carry This Anymore, Hard To Be Human, Trying My Best & Keep Your Head Up Princess

Artist: Anson Seabra

I've had a bad day. All I've done is stress-eat and listen to music. I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I hate myself today. And every day. I need help but I feel like I can't ask for it, that I'm unworthy of it. I'm so disappointed in myself and my life. And then I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I'm sitting here drowning in my life's failures while there is a family who is mourning the loss of a brother and son. His funeral is tomorrow and I don't think I'm going to go. Funerals make me uncomfortable and even angry. I feel guilty that I'm not going even if I didn't know him or his family. I still feel bad. 

Anson Seabra is basically a "pop" version of NF. At least a little bit. He has a lot of sad songs that I relate to. Today is one of those "sad song" type days.

I Can't Carry This Anymore

I've been thinking about writing a letter to my parents to express some of my thoughts and feelings. Like how I feel like I'm spiraling and have hit rock bottom. That I need a change and need help getting there. I don't want to send one now because of the funeral. I hate feeling like a burden. But I truly "can't carry this anymore..." on my own. I need relief. I need help. I need peace.

Feel it heavy in my bones now

Feel like everybody goes out

And smiles for the 'gram yeah

Tried but I can't

Prayer in the shape of Prozac

Try to medicate the lows that

Come and meet me in the night time

Losing track of my time

Mama said gonna be all right

But mama don't know what it's like in my mind

Mama said that the sun gonna shine

But mama don't know what it's like to want to die

I can't carry this anymore

Heavy from the hurt inside my veins

I can't carry this anymore

Wonder what it's like to be okay

Would you like me if I drank that

If you wanted I could take that

I'll do anything for love

I don't feel like I'm enough

You can probably see right through me

'Cus I can promise if you knew me

You would probably walk away

No you wouldn't want to stay

Oh, Mama said gonna be all right

But mama don't know what it's like in my mind

Mama said that the sun gon' shine

But mama don't know what it's like to want to die

I can't carry this anymore

Heavy from the hurt inside my veins

I can't carry this anymore

Wonder what it's like to be okay

I know I'll be fine it's just that

Every time this comes back

Tell my maker up above that

I have had enough and

I can't carry this anymore

Heavy from the hurt inside my veins

I can't carry this anymore

Wonder what it's like to be okay

Hard To Be Human

I don't even feel like I know how to be human...

For a second

I almost forgot all the wreckage

This hole full of hurt where my chest is

I felt like a person again

For a minute

I almost got lost in existence

The birds sang their song and I listened

There wasn't a thought in my head

But it never lasts

I just fall right back

It's hard to be human

Don't know what I'm doing half the time

Cause I'm only a man with a pen in his hand

And a couple of stories to write

It's hard to be human

Wish I had a blueprint for life

Cause I'm only a dot on this old spinning rock

I guess I'm just along for the ride

It's hard to be human

It's hard to be human sometimes

Someone stop me

From pouring my fourth cup of coffee

I'm shaking, my heart's going off beat

But at least I can get out of bed

Someone tell me

That six hours of screen time is healthy

That it's okay as long as it helps me

Forget that the world's gonna end

But it never lasts

I just fall right back

It's hard to be human

Don't know what I'm doing half the time

Cause I'm only a man with a pen in his hand

And a couple of stories to write

It's hard to be human

Wish I had a blueprint for life

Cause I'm only a dot on this old spinning rock

I guess I'm just along for the ride

It's hard to be human

It's hard to be human sometimes

Trying My Best

Am I? I would like to think I am...but I know I'm not. I give up too quickly. I'm depressed and unmotivated. But I want to try harder. I want to be better.

I know you think I got it all figured out 'cause

I walk around like my head's in the clouds but

I'm just a boy with his heart pourin' out

Of his head

I wish that you could see the pain that I've seen and

All of the time I spent being not me and

I hope you know it's not always happy

In my head

'Cause I don't know

The perfect road to go down

But I know

I'm trying my best

I'm trying my best to be okay

I'm trying my best but every day

It's so hard

And I'm holding my breath

I'm holding my breath 'til I can say

All of the words I wanna say

From my heart

If you really wanted I could let you inside

It's been so long and I've got nothing left to hide

Would you believe me if I told you that I've

Got flaws

Now it's time to let the curtains unfold and

Tell all the stories that I didn't want told

I let it out so I unburden my soul

I won't stop

'Cause I don't know

The perfect road to go down

But I know

I'm trying my best

I'm trying my best to be okay

I'm trying my best but every day

It's so hard

And I'm holding my breath

I'm holding my breath 'til I can say

All of the words I wanna say

From my heart

I'm trying my best

I'm trying my best to be okay

I'm trying my best but every day

It's so hard

And I'm holding my breath

I'm holding my breath 'til I can say

All of the words I wanna say

From my heart

Keep Your Head Up Princess

I had to throw in a little song about positivity and encouragement to help me to keep going. To "keep my head up." This song is so sweet and brought tears to my eyes. I love it so much! Definitely helped lift my spirits a little bit.

When she was younger, she would pretend

That her bedroom was a castle, she was fairest in the land

And she got older, and it all changed

There was no time for make-believe and all the magic slipped away

Until the light in her eyes it was all but gone

'Cause all the dreams that she had turned out to be wrong

So keep your head up princess 'fore your crown falls

Know these voices in your head will be your downfall

I know it gets so hard but you don't got far to go

Yeah, keep your head up princess, it's a long road

And the path leads right to where they won't go

I know it hurts right now but I know you'll make it home

So keep your head up

Yeah, keep your head up

And now she's grown up, works at a bar

She traded makeshift gowns for serving rounds from sunrise till it's dark

And all her friends got someone to hold

And she's got no one there, still not prepared to make it on her own

And now the light in her eyes, it's now all but gone

'Cause all the dreams that she had turned out to be wrong

So keep your head up princess 'fore your crown falls

Know these voices in your head will be your downfall

I know it gets so hard but you don't got far to go

Yeah, keep your head up princess, it's a long road

And the path leads right to where they won't go

I know it hurts right now but I know you'll make it home

So keep your head up

Yeah, keep your head up

One day you'll find your way back to the start

One day you'll live in your dreams

One day you'll wake up and girl you'll be a queen

So keep your head up princess 'fore your crown falls

Know these voices in your head will be your downfall

I know it gets so hard but you don't got far to go

Yeah, keep your head up princess, it's a long road

And the path leads right to where they won't go

I know it hurts right now but I know you'll make it home

So keep your head up

Yeah, keep your head up