Circus of MY Mind

So I received some extremely shocking and devastating news today...my dog is no longer pregnant; not sure if she ever was. It's been an emotional, confusing morning for me. I feel extreme guilt over the situation even though, at the end of the day, I know it isn't my fault. But I can't help feeling I should have tried to do more; studied/educated myself more, fed my dog better food right from the beginning, asked more questions, etc. I can't stop beating myself up over the situation, especially since I've had such a rotten attitude due to my fear and anxiety of the unknown. My anxiety always manifests itself by me becoming a complete and total BRAT to everyone around me because I get so stressed and worried but I keep it all to myself. Those negative emotions have to get out one way or another and unfortunately it's with angry outbursts. I'm a bag of emotions...in some ways I feel relieved...which then makes me feel bad. I mostly just feel guilty. I'm so mad at myself. I've been crying on and off for the last hour. Anyway, I had to preface todays post with this unfortunate update. Guess I can stop being selfish and complaining about how my holiday season is going to be ruined, consumed with the responsibilities of taking care of sweet, adorable puppies...ugh! Why did I think that way?? I'm SO SELFISH! I hate myself! I feel like I almost manifested this, willed it into happening because I was scared! And bitter. I'm so embarrassed. And heartbroken. My dog either wasn't ready when we had her bred (which would be the fault of the breeder since we were in completely new territory and depending upon the breeder to help guide us in the safest, most effective way possible) or she reabsorbed the puppies...yeah. That's a thing. And it's so freaky!! I feel so bad for putting my sweet dog through that process only for this to be the result. And don't get me started on how much MONEY we just lost...that makes me spiral into a very dangerous pit of depression and guilt that is extremely hard to crawl out of!! 😓😭 At the end of the day, I'm grateful my dog is healthy, safe and OK. I asked if the reabsorption was going to affect her negatively and was assured she is fine...it just means no more puppies. I wonder if my dog can feel that loss. She seems to be her usual, happy self but still. I'm just grateful she seems to be doing OK. 🙏 Not sure if I'll try this again during her next heat. It's a lot of risk (obviously!) and caused me great stress and anxiety but now I feel disappointed. When I kept second guessing my decision from the beginning! I'M THE WORST!!!! 😡😭

OK. Time to accept what has happened, take a deep breath and move on.

Song: Circus of Your Mind

Artist: From, Finding Neverland (the musical), Paloma Faith

Today's song feels very appropriate for what is going on in my heart and head today. "It's like living on a merry-go-round and 'round we seem to go, no one ever seems to know why?" My mind is a scary mess. Why do circus's and Halloween go together so well?? 🎪🎠🤡 I'm sharing this cover version as my song choice because it's much more "Halloween" sounding but I've included the original below. 

I've had enough

I'm losing my mind

I've spent a life searchin' for what I'll never find

I'm prayin' for silence

Or an easy way out

Tryin' to make sense of what is always in doubt

I'm turnin' the pages

But nothin' changes

The voices in my head won't listen to a word I've said

I know what it takes, think

I'm in a safe place

Then here we go again

Oh and again, oh and again

It's like living on a merry-go-round

And 'round we seem to go

No one ever seems to know why

I'm seein' darkness where the light should be

Madness takin' over me

Listen, many things you will find

In the circus of your mind

I've seen enough

To last for one life

The pain given far between everyone's eyes

Dream of escape

Outside is so near

I go to a new world where everything's clear

Night, after night, I

Look to the sky to

Help me find a better way, save me before it's too late

I know what it takes, think

I'm in a safe place

So here we go again

Oh and again, oh and again

It's like living on a merry-go-round

And 'round we seem to go

No one ever seems to know why

I'm seein' darkness where the light should be

Madness takin' over me

Listen, many things you will find

In the circus of your mind

The most colorful place

That I can't escape

But someday I'll find my way out

The attic won't open

The looking glass broken

I'm shouting out loud but my voice isn't making a sound

It's like living on a merry-go-round

And 'round we seem to go

No one ever seems to know why

I'm seein' darkness where the light should be

Madness takin' over me

Listen, many things you will find

In the circus of your mind

In the circus of your mind

In the circus of your mind

In the circus of your mind

WELCOME TO THE CIRCUS OF MY MIND! 😵🎠🤡