One week

It's that time of year again...one week until my birthday. 😳😬😨

*DEEP BREATH*

Last year I was hoping "30" would be my real "fresh start." Like, I'd actually start making the very necessary changes I need to make to move forward and be somewhere completely new and fulfilling in life. I got to kick-off my birthday celebrations by seeing TWO of my favorite artists; it felt like the perfect way to start anew. To have a clean slate and fresh start...

But, here I am a whole year later and I'm basically "in the same place, running in the same race, same pace" It's disappointing. As usual. There have been some "big changes" since then I suppose: I got a job. I got a new dog. I started practicing my driving again. I ride my bike and take myself to the library and a few stores.

It's a pretty pathetic list of little, tiny baby steps but I guess it's something. 

I've kicked-off my 31st birthday celebrations a little earlier this year with two additional concerts by two more of my all-time favorite artists!! They were completely perfect and "life-changing" even. I felt so happy after each one. I felt confident. I don't know why seeing my favorite musicians live make me feel so unstoppable and confident; like I can do anything...but they do!! Every single one at every single show has left me with these positive feelings. It's why I love their music so much. It inspires me and gives me a voice and the feeling of "you're not alone. I feel this way too. I get scared too. You can do this." I love it so much!! 💖

I'm going to REALLY TRY extra hard to start living more positively, confidently and happily right now!! I want to EMBRACE this next stage of my life. I want to LIVE each day and each opportunity to the fullest. I want to open myself up and be vulnerable and ask for help. I want to be BRAVE. I want to stop hating myself and feeling like a failure and mistake.

Hence why this song is dedicated to myself right now, in this very moment in time. I want to tell myself that, even though I'm different and don't have the same life experience as many others my age do, that I haven't fulfilled most of my goals and have not ended up where I always wished and hoped I would...that it's OKAY. I'm NOT a failure. I'm NOT a MISTAKE.

I feel like I'm at standstill waiting for you to tell me I'm OK

If time heals, tell me why do I kill myself

Tryna show you I'm not a mistake

I've got qualities that I'm not proud of

I've made promises that I walked out on

I've had days I feel I don't deserve love

So think what you think, just don't call me a

Mistake, might of made some

Can't argue with that, but I ain't one

Even I sometimes get afraid of

Having to face the wrath of an anxious me

I get it 'cause I actually

Feel the same sometimes I think

I might be a lost cause who turns off

'Cause the way I read

Into what I've been through

You'd think I'm mental

But it pays off though when the rent's due

I pursue what I love and if it goes

South and falls down just know

I'll stand on my own two feet

Don't you see

Those that oppose on me

Most won't leave

Thinkin' I might retreat

Show my teeth

Quick if you turn on me 'cause

I feel like I'm at standstill waiting for you to tell me I'm OK

If time heals, tell me why do I kill myself

Tryna show you I'm not a mistake

I've got qualities that I'm not proud of

I've made promises that I walked out on

I've had days I feel I don't deserve love

So think what you think, yeah, just don't call me a

Just don't call me a

Just don't call me a

Mistake 'cause I'm not one

Misplaced but I found a

Lot of resentment

Causes a mess when you let it get to the place of

No confidence

Struggle with it, that's obvious

But not enough to make me second guess

If I'd die for the ones I love

So don't you get confused

Thinking if you

Bring me down I'ma just choose

To let myself get used

I don't live like that

I feel trapped

I might lash out

I gotta watch my back

Cross my path

Especially with ill intent

You'll regret

You ever took that task

If and when

This thing could all go bad

Don't you act

Like no one warned you yet 'cause

I feel like I'm at standstill waiting for you to tell me I'm OK

If time heals, tell me why do I kill myself

Tryna show you I'm not a mistake

I've got qualities that I'm not proud of

I've made promises that I walked out on

I've had days I feel I don't deserve love

So think what you think, just don't call me a

Mistake