FINAL 30 on the 30th

Song: CHANGE

Artist: NF

Holy cow!! I can't believe this is my FINAL "30 on the 30th" post!! 😨😰😱😭 This means I will have "aged out" of HALF of the months in the year!! I'm so OLD. 👵 OK, I know I'm not old but...it's weird. I don't feel how old I am...if that makes sense. I have LOVED doing these monthly, musical song posts so much and wish I had started sooner! It's like a musical journal for my year!! I don't plan on stopping...I still have one more year where I can post on the "correct" date for most of the months (the months I'm "aged out of" I'll just revert back to being 30). Then after that...I'll continue on the 11th of each month to coincide with my birthday!

I've shared this song before but I thought it was perfect for this month because it's where I'm at. I'm a "lost soul at a crossroad who has no hope...but I'm gonna CHANGE that!" If I could I would be posting HOPE as my theme song of every month for the rest of my life...but that would get repetitive, haha. This song is so powerful and shook me to the core upon my first listen. It still affects me now when I listen to it. It brings tears to my eyes. I relate to almost every word he says. It's chilling. I love it and I want to use it to help guide me into this new era of my life. One of HOPE. Of CHANGE. 🙏

Yeah, look

I don't do drugs, I'm addicted to the pain though

Yeah, I been on it for a while, don't know how to put it down

Gotta have it, it's a habit I'ma break though

I just wanna take a hit, keep sayin' I'ma quit

Keep sayin' I'm a leave but I stay though

I just want a little fix, I don't wanna take a risk

I don't like it when I drift from the safe zone

But lately I been thinkin' I might have to

Lettin' go of things that I'm attached to

World don't stop just because I'm in a bad mood

You don't know what love is

Till you holdin' onto something that you can't lose

That's why I'm tryna get it together

Sleeves up, puttin' working in, tryna be better

I like to rap but I ain't gonna do it forever

Forget the charts, I'm refocusing on holding my head up

Moment I get up, I just wanna know I'm doin' my best

And if I'm not, Lord forgive me, you can have the regrets

'Cause I can feel the water tryna go up over my head

Most of my life I always felt like I was holding my breath

Holdin' my chest, to be honest I'm tired of it

Lookin' for something in my life to be inspired again

I like to walk around and act like I don't know what it is

But I know what it is, I just never wanna commit, running from (change)

I'm looking for (Change)

I'm searching for (Change)

I'm looking for (Change)

I just want, I just want (Change)

Yeah, I don't like new things

Got a lot of mood swings

Oh you wanna tell me something negative?

I don't wanna hear what you think

Yeah, tossin' in my sleep

Every night feel like two weeks

Thinkin' 'bout how I coulda done this or done that better

Can't help it that's just me (Lies)

That's just me avoidin' the change

Yeah, it's prolly why the issues ain't goin' away

Yeah, it's prolly why I always sit around and complain

Tellin' myself that I ain't never gettin' out of this place

Outta my face, if you tellin' I need to be different

That's the issue though, I'm always insecurity driven

Takin' the wrong turns, actin' like I know where I'm headed

Waitin' for somethin' bad to happen

I could snap any minute, I need (Change)

Yeah it's kinda easy to say right?

But difficult to do when I feel like I hate life

And everyone around me kinda thinks I'm a great guy

But I don't ever think it, so I think I'm a fake, lyin'

(Change) It's something that I know I should do

I'm a little uncomfortable to tell you the truth

But to be honest with you lately I got nothin' to lose

See, I've always been full of pain but now I'm makin' some room

Lookin' for (change)

I'm looking for (Change)

I'm searching for (Change)

I'm looking for (Change)

I just want, I just want

I need a moment of silence

I don't like change but I'll try it

I don't want to hear what I should or I shouldn't do

Why are they always defiant?

See, all my emotions are liars

All my emotions are violent

They don't want freedom to find me

Mention that name and everybody riots

That's why I'm checkin' my vitals

They keep on workin' but I know

Breathin' don't mean you're alive, so

I bag up all of my trash and walk out on my tightrope

Positive thoughts are my rivals

I'm tryna be on their side though

Should I feel comfortable? I don't

Last year I felt suicidal

This year I might do something different like talking to God more!

I'm looking for (Change)

I'm looking for

I'm searching for (Change)

I'm looking for

I just want, I just want (Change)

I'm looking for

I'm searching for (Change)

I'm looking for

I just want, I just want (Change)

I'm looking for

I'm searching for (Change)

I'm looking for

I just want, I just want (Change)

I'm looking for

I'm searching for (Change)

I'm looking for

I just want, I just want (Change)