twenty-something
Since this is my last day (😱) in my twenties, I better share it while I still can! 😅
Song: Twenty Something
Artist: Graham Colton
I am no magician
I've got no crystal ball
But I have made a few things disappear
All my good intentions
Are they ever good enough?
Am I only running circles while I'm here?
And I've tried
But trying doesn't always get me there
And I'm fine
Even when the way it's going isn't fair
Halfway between somewhere and nothing
Woke up and I'm twenty something
I'm no acrobat
But I've had my share of falls
I've been walking wires, and climbing up the walls
And I have kept my distance
Just close enough to feel
But far enough away to know that what I know is real
And I've tried
But trying doesn't always get me there
And I'm fine
Even when the way it's going isn't fair
Halfway between somewhere and nothing
Woke up and I'm twenty something
This is where it all begins
I'm giving up on giving in now
I'm not afraid of where I've been
Halfway between somewhere and nothing
Woke up and I'm twenty something
And I've tried
But trying doesn't always get me there
And I'm fine
Even when the way it's going isn't fair
Halfway between somewhere and nothing
Woke up and I'm twenty something
Woke up and I'm twenty something
TO MY TWENTIES🥀: As I leave this chapter of my life behind, so many thoughts and emotions are running through my mind. I mostly feel a lot of guilt and shame in how I wasted these last ten years. I didn't do what most people accomplish in their twenties. It's embarrassing to admit. It's embarrassing that people know. I feel as inexperienced as an eighteen year old; like I'm just starting out. What am I suppose to tell people I did with that time? How will I explain it to my future husband, children, friends, etc? It's embarrassing and disappointing.
Instead of dwelling on the negatives, disappointments and failures of what happened in my twenties (because I could write a book with how much guilt and shame I feel about all of that that), here's some of the good I did accomplish and experience:
🍪 - I developed my talents in cooking and baking (including taking cake decorating classes)
🎵 - I discovered artists I'm passionate about and the joy their music brought me carried me through the majority of my twenties i.e. Hanson and Michael Jackson specifically.
👶🧒 - Tons of babysitting experiences, challenges and memories. I was able to meet and care for so many children. Those days taught me to be patient, to stay calm under stress, to be joyful and playful and present, to be creative and compassionate and most of all, to rely on prayer. I experienced some of my most tender personal mercies during stressful babysitting situations when children were dependent on me and I was afraid. Heavenly Father always helped me. I never felt alone and overwhelmed to the point that I didn't know what to do. In fact, I think I was the most confident I've ever been in those situations, after prayer and moving forward in faith. I was given the strength to fix problems, avoid serious accidents and get through everything OK.
🙏 - I got to experience serving and teaching children in my church which was a huge blessing in my life. The love I felt from those kids brought me so much joy. I needed them.
🛫 - Although I didn't do a lot, I got to travel more than I would have been able to if I'd gone the more conventional and "normal" path.
💖 - I got to watch my family grow up and support them in their various activities and celebrate their "big moments." I got to be around for so much of their lives.
🤍🤍 - I got to spend more time than I probably would have with my grandparents, two of whom are gone now.
💙💛 - I've been able to spend more time with my parents. From running errands together, cooking together to simply watching shows and movies and playing games. Having long talks and going on walks. I wish I didn't take so much of that time for granted, because I definitely have. The older I get the more I appreciate and realize how blessed I am to have the kind of parents that I do. They are special. They have helped me more times than I can count and definitely more than I deserve. I'm glad I've been able to be with/around them for so long; to watch and observe the way they live their life: with love, service and positivity.
🖤🤍 - Through it all, the ups and downs, the accomplishments and trials, my sweet dog was with me every step of the way, almost every single day. The time I was able to spend with him I will never regret or feel guilt about. The hundreds of walks we went on together, all over our neighborhood. The sights I saw, the other daily walkers we would run into every day who became little walking buddies in their own right. He was by my side during my darkest, loneliest and saddest moments. He was always waiting at the door for me when I got home and always greeted me with a kiss. My little shadow, he followed me around the house, wherever I was, he wanted to be too. Through all the late nights and early mornings. Every day, no matter how sad or lonely I felt, he was there. So I couldn't really be that sad; because my sweet pup made me feel unconditionally loved, needed, wanted and seen. Always. Every day. Up until my final month of being 28. I have been missing that companionship and love for over a year and a half (I still can't believe it's been that long already). It still hurts every day. And every night. My fears and anxieties are worse than ever. My depression is worse than ever. It makes me really, really sad that he isn't going to be here as I start this new chapter of my life. 💔
I may have failed in many ways, through my own choices and decisions. But, there are a lot of good memories too. A lot of good times that came from those same choices. I don't regret the time I had with family and serving various children and especially with my dog. They carried me through each day. So I may be different, but different can be good.
This is how I want to start my THIRTY'S! To be forgiving and accepting of my past, remembering and holding close the good that came from it, and move on to bettering myself every day and loving the things that make me different. To embrace each part of myself! I often feel I don't really even know who I am. Here's to discovering that this year!
TWENTIES: THANKS FOR THE ALL THE MEMORIES AND THE LESSONS LEARNED! HINDSIGHT IS EVERYTHING AND I HAVE HINDSIGHT 2020! 🥀
HERE'S TO FINDING MYSELF IN MY THIRTIES! 🌻
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