Love Month Day 18

Song: Church

Artist: Tom MacDonald & Brandon Hart feat. Nova Rockefellar 

This clearly isn't a love song but it's an "expression" song. And I just don't have it in me to look up some lovey-dovey, sappy, sweet, romantic love song right now, not in the headspace I'm in. I've spent my weekend in isolation and self-pity. I've been doing things I'm ashamed of. I've resorted to bad habits and old, unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've given up....again. It's so disheartening. I feel overwhelmed with shame and guilt. 

This song really speaks to me. I know I don't totally relate to the lyrics, as they speak about struggles with alcoholism and drug addiction. But I have my own vices, my own "drugs" if you will that hold me captive. That I know are bad for me, yet I return to them time and time again. Because it makes me feel good, at least for a little while. But then I'm left with the regret and depression of my actions. It's a cycle I can't seem to break. One of my "drugs" is food. I'm an emotional and compulsive eater. I've struggled with this for years, even longer than I'd like to admit. It's affected me physically and mentally. And I can't seem to find the will and desire to stop. 

This song is so emotional and expressive and I'm sad I feel like I relate to it so much. I haven't been to church in weeks. Actually, all year. It's bad. I know I should go, but every week when Sunday rolls along, it's so much easier to stay in bed and hide. I know I'm missing out on blessings, healing and strength that can come from uniting with other believers and being uplifted. I pray I can find the desire to change and turn my thoughts and desires into actions. "these words are only words until they actions, words until they actions strive on empty satisfactions."

I tried adding some of my "issues" in parentheses in the verses below to help make it more personal to my situation...it's kinda cheesy and cringe but I don't care. It's real.

I need a short drink [a quick snack] or a long prayer

I've been sober [trying to be better], but I don't care

I'm so scared of my own self

I get no help, and that's no fair  <--- THIS 🔥💔😭

So don't go there, I've been to hell and back

I got scorched hair in this Gucci cap

I got empty bottles [empty wrappers] and a million follows

I regret swallowing the Ativan

F-it, let's be real

I resent the way that I feel

I pretend that it's cool, but I miss gettin' drunk

And I'm angry that God doesn't help when I kneel

F-it, I said my prayers

When I got clean [help], sh** just got worse

I quit doing drugs, and I pleaded with Jesus to save me

But He didn't hear my words

This sh**  don't work, it hurts

I went to church, now I need liquid courage [comfort food courage]

Whiskey in my glass [bowl of cereal on my lap], I take the knives out of my back to stir it [eat it]

Go to hell and back again, then show you burns to prove I earned it

I need shots [junk food] or God to gain the strength I need, I'm just a person

I pray on my way

To the liquor store that they lock the door

'Cause I'll lay in my grave

If the whiskey pours like it did before

I'm scared, I send out a prayer

Can anybody hear me? Is anybody there?

'Cause honestly it hurts and every day is worse

I keep buyin' whiskey [hiding in my room] when all I need is church  💔😭🙏

I keep talkin' to God, but he don't hear me

And my demons are there, always listenin'

I get lost in the dark, drownin' in whiskey [food & depression]

And I went in so far, you say you miss me

I'm on a ship in a bottle, so say goodbye at the shore

Break the glass and you'll find me, I'm not who I was before

Close my eyes in the darkness and hold on through the storm

I'm a wreck in a bottle, I wasn't built for a war

These church pews, bright lights

Whiskey glasses, bottles of booze [cellophane wrappers & self-deprecating thoughts]

Make short days to long nights

The bottle [food], the Bible, I didn't know what to choose

I pray on my way

To the liquor store that they lock the door

'Cause I'll lay in my grave

If the whiskey pours like it did before

I'm scared, I send out a prayer

Can anybody hear me? Is anybody there?

'Cause honestly it hurts and every day is worse

I keep buyin' whiskey [hiding in my room] when all I need is church

I can't read, but the Bible's still with me

My eyes can't see from the bottles of whiskey [wrappers that surround me]

I don't believe anybody will miss me

And I'm on my knees, tell me, God, are you listenin'?

I pray on my way

To the liquor store that they lock the door

'Cause I'll lay in my grave

If the whiskey pours like it did before

I'm scared, I send out a prayer

Can anybody hear me? Is anybody there?

'Cause honestly it hurts and every day is worse

I keep buyin' whiskey [hiding in my room] when all I need is church