30 on the 30th

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Song: HAPPY
Artist: NF

This song hit me so personally the first time I heard it and I have been obsessively listening to it ever since. I couldn't help but relate to the chorus after having just experienced such similar thoughts not a week before. "I don't think I'm capable of being truly happy." I remember thinking those words to myself as I sat in a beautiful place, surrounded by people I love. It broke my heart. 💔 The thumbnail of this video, with that little girls sad face, hurts to see because I see so much of myself in her. I haven't been able to listen to this song all the way through without getting choked up and emotional. 

I finally opened up to my parents about the depression and sadness I've been feeling. Like the girl does at the end of the video, when she shows up at her mom's house, it's a first step. I wish I could have shared this song with them but I don't know how they would take it. It would probably make them feel sad. I also just can't imagine my parents listening to "rap music" in any shape or form, even if this song is mostly singing, lol. 

Here's to finding the HOPE, peace and HAPPY-ness I'm seeking. 🙏




Dear God, please
Hear me out, I know it's been a couple years
Since I've reached
Out and said hello, I bet you're wondering
Why I keep
Obsessing on and stressing all the little things
When I should be
Living life and soaking up the memories

I know I've been
Selfish, I have
No excuse to give you it's true
Hanging by a
Thread's how I live
I don't know why but
I feel more comfortable

Livin' in my agony
Watching my self-esteem
Go up in flames acting
Like I don't
Care what anyone else thinks
When I know truthfully
That that's the furthest thing
From how I
Feel but I'm too proud to open up and ask ya
To pick me up and pull me out this hole I'm trapped in
The truth is, I need help, but I just can't imagine
Who I'd be if I was happy

Yeah, been this way so long, it feels like something's off
When I'm not depressed
I got some issues that I won't address
I got some baggage I ain't opened yet
I got some demons I should put to rest
I got some traumas that I can't forget
I got some phone calls I been avoidin'
Some family members I don't really connect with
Some things I said I wish I would of not let slip
Some hurtful words that never should of left my lips
Some bridges burned, I'm not ready to rebuild yet
Some insecurities I haven't dealt with, yes
I'll be the first to admit that I'm a lonely soul
And the last to admit I need a hand to hold
Losing hope
Headed down a dangerous road
Strange, I know
But I feel most at home when I'm

Livin' in my agony
Watching my self-esteem
Go up in flames acting
Like I don't
Care what anyone else thinks
When I know truthfully
That that's the furthest thing
From how I
Feel but I'm too proud to open up and ask ya
To pick me up and pull me out this hole I'm trapped in
The truth is, I need help, but I just can't imagine
Who I'd be if I was happy

Don't know what's around the bend
Don't know what my future is
But I can't keep on livin' in

Livin' in my agony
Watching my self-esteem
Go up in flames acting
Like I don't
Care what anyone else thinks
When I know truthfully
That that's the furthest thing
From how I
Feel but I'm too proud to open up and ask ya
To pick me up and pull me out this hole I'm trapped in
The truth is, I need help, but I just can't imagine
Who I'd be if I was happy
If I was happy
If I was happy

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