30 on the 30th

Song: I'll Keep On

Artist: NF feat. Jeremiah Carlson

It's ONLY appropriate that I end March with more NF! He has defined my entire month and set me on my own "Search" for "HOPE." Also, I just found out that TODAY, March 30th is none other than the man, the myth, the legend himself, NATHAN FEUERSTEIN'S birthday! 🥳🎉 How fitting! 

OK, onto the song...

I had a very restless night that turned into a very anxious and paranoid morning. I've been a bag of emotions all day; anger, fear, stress, disappointment, anxious, annoyed, you name it!

I felt so disappointed with myself after throwing my "anxiety-induced" temper-tantrum this morning. It's exhausting to live like this day after day. To live with so much...negativity. I try to think more positively and focus on the good but I don't feel strong enough. I give into the fear and anger and the frustration so easily. I don't feel like I'm in control of my own thoughts and feelings...there are so many NF songs I could quote right now but I'll digress.

I decided to do some bible study today even though I was feeling guilty and undeserving of God's love and grace. I read the account of Christ walking on the water and Peter's faith in trying to follow Him. These were some thoughts that came to mind as I read:

The Savior walking on the water is one example that demonstrates His ability and capacity to do anything. He is a God of miracles. There is NOTHING he can't do. He can stop the snow from falling. He can let there be a break in the clouds to let the sun shine through, even if for only twenty minutes. If I can exercise faith like Peter, trusting that "immediately Jesus" will "stretch forth his hand" and catch me when I fall, I'll be a more calm and peaceful person. Time after time Christ has shown me that He is always here. That He makes it work out. That He helps me when I ask and pray in faith. I don't know why I constantly doubt. I don't know why the second something "unexpected" happens and there's a slight change of plans I immediately run to fear, expecting to find answers or help or comfort. I feel like Jesus is constantly saying to me: "O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" He keeps trying to remind to "Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid." I want to trust Him. I want to be "of good cheer." I don't want to keep living in fear and doubt and anguish. It seems no matter how hard I try and how many experiences I have, I still resort to those negative feelings instead of trusting that the Lord has got this. He's got me. I so desperately want to live and act and believe in faith. 

I also thought about the unique but powerful depiction of this sacred account from The Chosen. This clip makes me tear up because I feel like I am Peter. I feel hurt and angry. I want to believe and follow Jesus but I also feel like, after trying so hard to do what's right, why isn't He helping me? Where is my miracle? My delivery and rescue from all the pain I feel inside every single day?? 

"Why do you think I allow trials?"

"I don't know!"

"They prove the genuineness of your faith. They strengthen you. This is strengthening you...Keep your eyes on me."

"I'm sinking...Lord save me I'm sinking!"

"Don't let me go. Don't let me go."

"I've got you...I've much planned for you...including hard things. Just keep your eyes on me...I'm here. I'm always here. I let people go hungry...but I feed them."

I'm so done living with this constant fear, regret, depression and self-doubt. I know what I need to do. I know God has been trying to tell me for months to go ask for help. He wants me to trust Him. If I do, I'll find peace and rest. He isn't going to do everything for me and make things easier for me just because I'm afraid. But if I can exercise even a "grain of mustard seed" of faith in Him and do the things I know He wants me to do...I know I'll receive the peace and answers I'm seeking. It's not going to be easy. It's not going to take all my burdens away, but it's going to become easier to endure them. 

I've been obsessed with this song all month long and am so happy I finally get to share it!! I feel like it's saying all the things I wish I could better vocalize. I relate to every single word. The chorus of this song makes me cry! It's so beautiful and soul-stirring. I am covered in goose-bumps as I listen to this faith-filled prayer of a song. It touches me in the depths of my heart and soul. Multiple times a day I want to give up. I can't carry this burden anymore. But, I haven't. I don't know why...there's something that won't let me. I guess it's that small seed of faith and hope that's buried somewhere deep inside. That seed that does believe. This song is carrying me through my current storms. 

Oh, these hands are tired

Oh, this heart is tired

Oh, this soul is tired

But I'll keep on

I'll keep on, I'll keep on

I'll keep on, I'll keep on, I'll keep on

Faith is something I am not accustomed to

Trusting other people 's something I don't really love to do

I've never been a fan of it, I act tougher

Really my shoulders they ain't built for this and I don't have nothing

It's like I'm standing in the rain and you offer me a raincoat

But I would rather stand there wringing wet than take the handout

What's wrong with me? You said, you've always got your hands out

And I cannot continue on my own so take my hands now

I give you everything, God, not just a little bit

Take it from me, I am nothing but a hypocrite

I hate sin but I built a house and I still live in it

Afraid to open up the door to you 'n let you into it

My soul is lost and what it needs is your direction

I know, I've told you I do not need your protection

But I lied to you, this thing is tiring

A man was not created for it

God, please retire me now

Oh, these hands are tired

Oh, this heart is tired

Oh, this soul is tired

But I'll keep on

I'll keep on, I'll keep on

I'll keep on, I'll keep on, I'll keep on

Trust is something I am not accustomed to

And I know the Bible says that I should always trust in you

But, I don't ever read that book enough

And when I have a question I don't take the time to look it up

Or pick it up

It collects dust on my nightstand

I'm just being honest

Please take this outta my hands

I have no control - I am just a person

But thank the Lord that I serve a God that's perfect

I do not deserve the opportunity you've given me

I never knew what freedom was until I learned what prison means

I am not ashamed, I don't care if they remember me

My life will always have a hole if you are not the center piece

Take me out of bondage, take all of my pride

If I don't have a Savior, I don't have nothing inside

Take all of my lust, take all of my lies

There's no better feeling than when I look in the sky, in your eyes

It's amazing

Oh, these hands are tired

Oh, this heart is tired

Oh, this soul is tired

But I'll keep on

I'll keep on, I'll keep on

I'll keep on, I'll keep on, I'll keep on

Whoa

Whoa whoa whoa

Whoa

Whoa whoa whoa

Whoa

Whoa whoa whoa

I'll keep on

I'll keep on

I'll keep on

I'll keep on

I'll keep on

I'll keep on

I'll keep on

I'll keep on

I'll keep on

I'll keep on