Jack Johnson Month Day 13

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Song: Wrong Turn
Artist: Jack Johnson, Sing-A-Long Songs and Lullabies for the Film Curious George

Today was rough.

I had a melt-down earlier thinking about the job I applied for because I'm not qualified enough. I don't know how to interview for a job and the thought of doing so makes me physically sick. I don't have what it takes. I've been praying that I won't get a call. I won't get an interview. In fact, I'm thinking of canceling my application. I've been back searching for jobs online but my confidence is totally shot. I can't see myself being good at anything.

These past few days have been long, stressful and anxiety inducing for me. On top of getting myself to apply for a job that I'm scared of and am now having second thoughts about, after being so excited and proud about it the other day, I got a sliver in my foot last Thursday and there's still a little something in there and I can't get it out! I've been trying all of these home remedies and nothing is working. To be totally honest, I can't exactly tell if it's a sliver or just a blood blister from all my poking and prodding. It doesn't necessarily hurt but I've been freaking out about something being in there and reading about infections that can occur if you don't remove it, etc.

And then last night as I was pulling back the covers to get into bed there was a SPIDER crawling around IN. MY. BED!!! 🕷😱 IN IT!!! IN MY SHEETS!! 😱💀 And then I found another one on my bedroom floor this morning!! And this evening, I've been so itchy and have little bumps all over my legs and arms! Spider bites!? I guess so!! A month ago I was paranoid I had bed-bugs (long story) and now I KNOW I have spiders! They were both small but still!! EW!! 😓😖 I spent a good portion of my day deep cleaning my room!! Who knows if there's more hiding in the hard to reach corners and crawling around in my bed biting me!! UGH!! 

Oh, I also got asked about doing a little nannying job for my neighbor. I hate telling people no but this is not what I want to do. Plus, it will keep me where I've been for years now. Stuck with a job that's only a couple hours long. I can't do that again for another 10 years!!

I'm exhausted. I'm so tired of being afraid. Of being anxious and paranoid. I'm tired of myself. Ugh. I can't stand myself these days. Everything about me makes me want to give  up. I'm overweight, my face has acne scars, I have no job, no friends, I'm almost completely out of money, I live with my parents at 30. It's a constant battle of wanting to move on with my life and not wanting to move on. Actually wanting to stay the same. But, staying the same means staying miserable. And that sucks. There's a line that has been running through my head all day from Taylor Hanson's song We Belong Together that says "All of this living has been taking your life. Doesn't feel like there's an end in sight." That's exactly how I feel. My entire life has felt like a difficult battle and I'm losing. I'm always losing. Another line that I kept thinking about earlier when I was having a panic attack about this job I applied for and decided I can't go through with anymore (even though I haven't even been contacted and to be honest, I most likely won't be) says "On the mountain top, you feel your brave heart drop." That's me. 

Sorry for the rambling. Like I said, it's been a long couple of days. This song is sad and so am I. That's why I chose it. I miss my dog. 💔💔


And I'll wait here a while
Just long enough to be sure
That you didn't make a wrong turn
And I'll wait long enough
Maybe an hour or two
Before I decide it wasn't me, it was you
It wasn't me it was you

And I would like you to know
Although it seems sad to say
This was only the worst hour of my day
The worst hour of my day

How long has it been on your mind?
Do you think about it when we laugh?
I think that it's a big mistake
Because I think that we could make it last
Even if it's just for a while

And I'll wait here for now
Just long enough to be sure
That you really want to go through with this
Because I don't really want to go through with this
Do you really want to go through with this?

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