Grateful For Music Challenge Day 14

Song: My Own Sacred Grove

Artist: Angie Killian 

I went to church for the first time in months. I'm proud of myself for going when I could have talked myself out of it (again). It's not that I've been struggling with my testimony or belief in the teachings of the gospel that I haven't gone in so long, it's for a selfish reason I stopped going. I feel self-conscious. And out of place. I had to remind myself this morning as I was debating about finding the courage to get myself to go or spend another Sunday feeling regretful at home, that the reason I go to church is for the Lord. Not for anybody else. I go to partake of the sacrament and receive a remission of my sins. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me when they see me there. If they think I'm too old or awkward or shy or whatever (which I know deep down, no one is really looking at me and thinking those things). I can't let people (or the fear of what people might think of me) stop me from going to church. I go because I need to and because I want to. 

A thought came to me as I sat pondering during the passing of the sacrament. It's a line from a Christmas song The Innkeeper (Let Him In) by Michael McLean: "He never would condemn me. I did that all on my own." Oftentimes when I make mistakes I struggle with feeling guilty and unworthy. I allow myself to get caught up in this idea that my weaknesses define me and I essentially "condemn" myself. I'm not good enough. I'm not a good person. For example, since I'm not very good at reading my scriptures or saying prayers or I don't hold a calling, don't serve others like I should, I haven't gone to the temple, etc. I'm not measuring up. I feel behind in life and all of that makes me feel shameful. The truth of the matter is, "the Lord loves effort." (Pres. Nelson). All He wants us to do, is try. Try reading from the scriptures every day, even if it's just one verse. Try going to church even if it's just one meeting. Try saying your prayers even if they are awkward and short. The Lord never gives up on us; "His hand is stretched out still." Our Savior knows us perfectly. He understands us. And He never condemns us. Not as long as we are still trying. "for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7).

I know my thoughts are all over the place and I know this is long, but bear with me! I'm almost done! Today was my ward's primary program (a special program held once a year where all the children in the ward, ages 3-11, stand and share thoughts, scriptures and sing songs for the congregation in place of the usual talks and testimonies shared. It's always a very special - and sometimes entertaining - event) and the children sang a beautiful song called My Own Sacred Grove. The lyrics touched me deeply. Inspired by the account of Joseph Smith's First Vision, it's a beautiful song about finding a quiet time and place where we can turn to God in prayer. Something I need to do more in my own life. That's my goal for this week. Give more time to God. Pray more earnestly. Read my scriptures daily.

I'm really glad I chose to go to church today. It doesn't mean I didn't feel anxious or self-conscious while I was there (because I did), but the spirit I felt and finally being able to partake of the sacrament again, felt refreshing and rejuvenating! Also, because I was introduced to this beautiful new song.

Joseph Smith went to a grove full of trees.

Seeking God’s wisdom, he fell to his knees.

As he pled with the heavens the sky filled with light,

And the Father appeared with His Son Jesus Christ

Standing above in the air,

Coming to answer his prayer.

I will find my own sacred grove

Away from all of the noise of the world.

I will turn to prayer,

For I know He’s there.

I will find my own sacred grove.

So many choices with so much at stake.

Life’s full of pathways, but which should I take?

If I lift up in prayer in the name of the Son,

Through the pow’r of the Holy Ghost answers will come.

Heavenly Father is there

Ready to answer my prayer.

I will find my own sacred grove

Away from all of the noise of the world.

I will turn to prayer,

For I know He’s there.

I will find my own sacred grove.

Sometimes the answers take time,

So I’ll listen in heart and mind.

Revelation will come my way

As I wait patiently in faith.

I will find my own sacred grove

Away from all of the noise of the world.

I will turn to prayer,

For I know He’s there.

I will find my own sacred grove.

I will find my own sacred grove.