Birthday #29

Today was the first birthday I've celebrated without my sweet puppy dog. He has celebrated every single birthday with me since I turned 12 years old. He was always the first one I'd see in the morning and the last one I'd see at night. I'm also officially in my last year of my 20's. And it SUCKS. It sucks because my dog is gone and doesn't get to be here with me in such a monumental year. It sucks because I never thought I'd be where I am now, a year shy of 30. I can't even believe I'm going to be 30. That is like, a real grown up age. And I feel anything but "grown up." And it really, really sucks my dog won't be here for that milestone and all of the other milestones I'll have to experience without him. He was there for so much of my life, it feels wrong to "celebrate" anything without him.

To be honest, I had a pretty good day. My family was really good to me as always. They made me laugh when I felt like crying. I ate cake and ice cream. Opened gifts. My mom planned a cute party themed perfectly for me. I wore my ring with my dog's name on it so I could "have him with me." Overall, it felt pretty normal. And I hate that! I feel guilty about that. I don't want to feel "normal." Because my dog was my "normal." Having him with me was what feels "normal." I don't want to get used to life without him and I feel like that's starting to happen (in some ways) and it makes me sad and upset. I know I still miss him and I'll always miss him for the rest of my life because he was such a big part of my life and we had such a special connection. It was unlike anything I've had with anyone. I know I still miss him because I'm crying while I type this. But I just hate that my life is moving on without him.

Hanson's "Song of the Month" for September (sorry I never got around to posting August's but I think you know why...) is called Stronger. And wow is it the song for me! I would say it's possibly my favorite (although I also loved last months...sorry again). The lyrics, the message, the tone, the melody. It's all so fitting for me. It's truly a "theme song" for my life. Not just for what I'm going through right now - although that is a big part - but for my whole life. I've always wanted, needed, to be stronger than I am. And then what I feel capable of being. I know I need to be stronger for my dog. He gave me so much love. He believed in me and thought I was just the greatest person ever. I know he's only EVER wanted me to be happy and he still does. I believe that was truly his mission here on earth. And he definitely succeeded. Even if I still had to suffer with depression and feeling down while he was here he still brought me immense JOY and MEANING and PURPOSE every single day. I miss him so much. He wouldn't want me to give up. To stop trying. He wants me to succeed and be happy. Even though it's hard for me to be completely happy without him. I need to be stronger for my family. To put my parents and siblings and all those who love and care about me minds at ease. For them to see that I can be a successful, independent, competent, functioning adult in this world. I need to be stronger and less dependent on everyone. I know I'm a burden in some ways (many ways) on my family, especially my parents. And, probably most importantly, I need to be stronger for myself. I need to live the life God gave me and stop wasting it. I need to do what I was sent here to do; and figure out what that is. I don't want to look back at the end with regrets (something I already do). 

I know this post is super depressing for a birthday post. But I can't bring myself to be happy and bubbly and optimistic this time. I miss my dog too much. He was the source of my inspiration and joy. And now that he's gone that part of me is missing. That desire and motivation to be better. Not the happiest way to start my final year in my 20's I'll admit....

Birthday Dedication Song: Stronger

Artist: Hanson

I want to be, I want to be strong

Everywhere I walk, just leave broken steps

Don't know what's ahead, only what I've left

Can't see forward, just see no way back

Don't know what I have, only what I lack

But I long to be stronger than this

But I long to be

Stronger than this

I want to be I want to be strong

Can't just tell my feet, to walk in their shoes

Cause every time I win, just feel like I lose

I wouldn't break down and weep if I could choose

It's like a nightmare I can't keep from suffering through

I long to be stronger than this

I gave, more than, all I can give

But I want to be, I long to be

I long to be

We want to be, stronger

Well we want to be, stronger

We want to be, stronger

But I long to be stronger than this

I gave, more than, all I can give

But I want to be, I long to be, I want to be

Stronger

Here's to 29 🎂

Here's to becoming "Stronger" this year somehow, someway 

I know you'll be with me in everything I do and wherever I go puppy dog

I want to honor you this year by being "Stronger"

I love you forever with all my heart! 🖤🤍