I'll remember being with you, smiles coming through my tears

I miss my sweet puppy dog so much!! 💔😭 

Saturday marked two weeks to the day. I've been really struggling with accepting that this is real. I'm really depressed and still struggling with all the emotions of grief (guilt, regret, anger, sadness, denial, etc.). I'm not in a good place but I don't want to move on and get to a better place. I feel guilty moving on. I keep thinking about him. How just a few weeks ago he was walking around upstairs or sleeping right next to me; waking me up in the middle of the night to go outside. I haven't been able to leave my bed. I showered for the first time in days this morning. I haven't spoken to anyone in just as long. I feel like I'll just start crying at any moment or with any interaction. My life feels meaningless. I feel so sad and so lonely. I don't think this sadness will ever fully go away. My dog was my best friend. He meant the world to me. There will never be another dog like him. He was truly a once in a lifetime kind of dog. The bond we shared was so special. He was always here for me and now he's not and it hurts so bad!

I've been doing some research and reading articles on pet loss. It made me feel a little bit better to read that many of my emotions and the way I'm feeling are valid. Below are a few snippets that really stood out to me - especially the first and last ones. I feel those deeply.

Another difficulty surrounding pet loss that is often unacknowledged is that it leads to changes in a person’s routine. Perhaps a person got used to being woken up in the morning by their hungry cat, or getting exercise through walking their dog. When that pet is gone, a person’s whole daily routine may be thrown off, leaving a person feeling even more lost. Small hassles and disruptions to a person’s routine can easily add up to be just as stressful and harmful to health than bigger events. - https://doctorconnor.com/grieving-the-loss-of-a-pet/

Despite what anyone says, your grief over losing a beloved pet is absolutely valid.

When a pet passes, it may be tempting to downplay the grief. After all, it's not like you lost a member of your family or a best friend. Except...you kind of did.

“Our pets become a part of our family,” Stacy Kaiser, a licensed psychotherapist based in Southern California, tells SELF. “They connect with us, they protect us, they don’t talk back to us, they don’t complain—sure, they may whine a little—and they’re really there for us when we need them.”

It's important to acknowledge that the tears, the heartache, the frustration—and yes, the grief—is real and legitimate.

“When you spend that much time loving anything that is living—and anything that gives back—you’re affected by it," says Kaiser.

Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., an Illinois-based clinical psychologist, tells SELF that in most cases, pets also provide us with something invaluable: unconditional love. “They don’t judge you, they immediately forgive you, and they make you feel good about yourself because there is this sense of I-love-you-for-who-you-are,” she explains. “In a world where we’re constantly judging ourselves—and unfortunately, as a result, judging others—it is such a unique and special relationship to have.”

She adds that even though others in our world—a parent, child, partner, best friend—may love us unconditionally, we may not feel that deep devotion on a regular basis because we can become consumed with judgement. “But with a pet, we believe it.” - https://www.self.com/story/losing-a-pet-is-devastating

The honest truth is that grief is extremely messy. We experience the acute phase of grief, or the moment right after passing. We also experience anticipatory grief, or the feelings of grief while our pet is still living, but we are aware of an upcoming end either through disease or natural death. There's depression, anxiety, pain, panic, shame, guilt, anger, regret, and many more too lengthy to list in this article.

The level of impact that grief has upon your life is the most important part. It's completely normal, and healthy, to isolate and feel extreme emotions right after your pet has died. Every time we cry or experience an emotional outburst, our body is healing and moving through the experience.

There are many people who struggle with living after the death of their pet, especially if their pet was one of the only reasons for living itself. Many people live day-to-day knowing that their pet depends on them, and during the hard times our pets may be our only crutch to stand on. - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/animal-attachment/201704/what-if-the-pain-pet-loss-becomes-too-much-bear

This version of this song really got to me today. Especially the first verse; that's where I lost it. I know my sweet boy is in heaven, watching over for me. He has to be. I have to believe I'll see him again.

Though you're gone star far away

Each time I see a rainbow

I'll remember being with you

Smiles coming through my tears

When someone in the dark reaches out to you

And touches off a spark that comes shining through

It tells you never be afraid

Then somewhere in your heart you can feel the glow

A light to keep you warm when the night winds blow

Look for the rainbow in the sky

Oh, I believe you and I

Could never really say goodbye

Wherever you may be

I'll look up and see

Someone in the dark for me

Wherever you may be

I'll look up and see

Someone in the dark for me