Week of Mourning
Sorry if the title sounds morbid.... I'm not "mourning" anything or anyone in that way... if you know what I mean... 💀 but I do need to officially let someone go. And it's really, really hard. 😥
I nannied a little girl for 10 years. I started in mid-March of 2011 and my last time was August 2020. I saw her every, single week from March 2011 to August 2016. After that, my time with her was sporadic (although my summer's with her were consistent) and I still saw her multiple times a year from August 2016-August 2020. I loved this job! I loved this little girl. I watched her grow up and change. I did so many fun (and challenging) things with her. It was a dream job. After this summer though, it was apparent to both she and I that our time together was over. It hurts. The worst part was, feeling unwanted by someone who had always wanted and loved me before. I felt like I was a nuisance to her. I felt like she didn't even like me. I'm sure at 10 years old, she felt like she didn't need a "babysitter" anymore. But I've come to think of her as family, so it was really painful to see her smile with glee as I said good-bye on my very last day and then look devastated when I came back one last time, super last minute. She would barely make eye contact with me and the second we heard her parents walk in the house she ran up to greet them, barely giving me so much as a wave good-bye. And that was that, I haven't seen or spoken to her since.
I have been so lucky and blessed to have had this "dream job" these past 10 years. I have so many fond memories. Since 2016, I have gone through a lot of ups and downs thinking back on those years. There have been times I have really, really missed it and wanted to go back and relive those days (usually around April/May is when I start getting those feelings)! There have been times I cringe, thinking how I could have possibly considered watching one kid once a week really a "job" at all and that I spent so much time and so many years doing that same thing, when I could (and should) have moved on and done something with my life! In the end, I don't regret it. Any of it. I will always be grateful for those years and these memories. But after this summer, after coming home feeling depressed and defeated, angry and hurt and unloved, every day, I know it's time to say good-bye. For good. To officially let go. And letting go is hard for me! This is someone I have seen every year for 10 years! That's a long time!! 💔
So, I'm taking this week to mourn the end of what has always been so consistent and brought me so much joy for the past 10 years. And I'm doing that the best way I know how; letting music do the "expressing" for me. Some of these songs will be happy, some sad, some maybe a little mad and bitter but all sentimental. After this week, I'm going to move on. I'm going to put these years in the past, where they belong, with no more pining for the "old days" and hoping I get just "one more summer." I'm bidding a final farewell to the memories and the years and the kid. It's time.
Song: Remember You Young
Artist: Thomas Rhett
I'll admit, it's been hard for me to remember that this kid I began watching as a barley 1 year old baby is now almost 11 years old! I still see her as a little kid and I know she doesn't consider herself a kid anymore. I still remember her interests and all the activities, crafts, books, movies and games we used to do together. It would make me kinda sad when I would bring up some of those old times and she had no recollection of any of it. I can't blame her, I don't remember a lot of the things I did as a 5, 6, 7 year old. Thank goodness for camera's and phones! I have been able to document a lot of our times together through pictures and video's! And I can keep those forever!
I dedicate this song to my girl because "no matter how much you grow up... I'll always remember you young!" Some of my favorite years were spent with you as a young child! I'll cherish those memories forever! 🤍
Hey buddies that I grew up with
All straight laced and married up now
You ain't foolin' me
Wasn't long ago we tore the roof off that one red light town
And hey darling sipping that red wine
All classy kicked back on the couch
You smile and I see ya shootin' tequila
Or shuttin' them college bars down
And no matter how much time goes by
And no matter how much we grow up
For worse or for better, from now 'til forever
I'll always remember you young
Hey babies crawling on the carpet
No, you won't be that little for long
One day you'll move away
But you're still gonna stay this innocent after you're gone
'Cause no matter how much time goes by
And no matter how much you grow up
For worse or for better, from now 'til forever
I'll always remember you young
Woah, oh, oh
Woah, oh, oh
Woah, oh, oh, oh, oh
Yeah, I hope when we get to heaven
He looks at us all like we're kids
Shameless and painless and perfect and ageless
Forgives all the wrong that we did
And no matter how much time goes by
I hope we never have to grow up
And he'll say 'For worse or for better, from now 'til forever
I'll always remember you young"
Woah, oh, I'll always remember you young
These three songs were (& still are) dedicated to "my little girl" over the years, beginning with what was my "first good-bye."
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