Mental Health Awareness Month: River
Song: River
Artist: Josh Groban
May is National Mental Health Awareness Month. I always want to celebrate...? (that doesn't feel like the appropriate word but IDK what else to say) this cause throughout the month, but am conflicted because May is also HANSON MONTH (for me)! And Hanson's music makes me much happier than music about depression and anxiety.....although I love songs about those topics as well since they are so relatable. Anyway, I absolutely have to post this beautiful song and give at least one shout out post to the cause because.....I am suffering. And today has been an especially difficult day. I know I talk about this all of the time and I'm sure people hate reading my rants where I am complaining about how sad my life is but ya know what? This is MY blog and MY space so I can say whatever I want! I express myself best through writing (and music, obviously) than any other way or form of communication. Writing my feelings out is helpful for me. So if you don't want to hear/read about my mental health crap then I suggest you leave this post ASAP!
Without getting too deep and personal, since I am quite anonymous here, I honestly and truly feel like I want to give up. I feel like I am drowning and there is no one there to save me. The people who I rely on and need the most right now (my parents) aren't here. Yes, I live with them. Yes, I see them every day. They see me. They see me isolate myself in my room for hours on end (sometimes for an entire day. Like I did today). I have not had a genuine, sincere talk with either of my parents in months. Any time we do talk it's over trivial things. Do you want to watch a movie? Do you want to play a game? Did you read this article? They used to be good at noticing when I started exhibiting certain behaviors and moods that something was up and it was time for a talk and to make some sort of plan to move forward. Now, I feel so ignored. I 100% feel they have given up on me. That they are thinking "Well, she's an adult. She needs to figure it out on her own. We've done our best." Trust me, I know I am an extremely difficult person to talk too. Especially when it comes to discussing my life and my "issues." I have been rude and disrespectful to my parents in the past. I have blown them off, ignored them and didn't follow through. I know I have hurt them and made them feel like I didn't want to talk to them. I feel awful about it. I have so much guilt over my past mistakes it makes me physically sick. BUT. At the end of the day.....I am their daughter. Their child. I don't feel like they should give up on their child. Regardless of age or circumstance I need them. I need them and they are not there. I have a brother who also battles mental health demons. My parents religiously contact him and talk to him at least weekly. He has a very open and honest relationship with them because they put in the effort to reach out and talk to him. I honestly feel, whether I'm wrong or not but this is how I feel, that they have not done this for me. Yes, I used to have long discussions with them where we would try to set some goals and figure things out. But even then, they usually never followed up with me. Months would go by before they would check in. And then, if something did happen that reminded them of our conversation, I would get the brunt of their frustration. I would be told to grow up and stop wasting time. That always helped motivate me to make a change.....😒 More like added fuel to my "I'm a pathetic human being" fire that is already tended to on the hour! I need consistent checking up on. I need someone to be my support team. When my brother had to take some time off from school and move back home due to his depression and suicidal thoughts, my parents met with him regularly, practically every day or at least once a week, making sure he was accomplishing the things they had discussed and being successful. They have not done this for me. I have another brother who is graduating high school and hasn't been making great life decisions recently (mostly in regards to our religion). My parents, again, regularly have one on one conversations with him. To help him. Especially when they see him, oh I don't know, isolating himself or skipping out on things. But they are NOT HELPING ME. My dad basically IGNORES me and my mom.....the only thing I can fault her on is that she is too nice. She wants to pretend like there isn't a serious problem. It's always all "Let's watch this show together! Let's bake this together! Let's meal plan together! Let's plan a mother-daughter trip!" THAT'S NOT WHAT I NEED!!!
UGH! I don't think I'm a narcissist. I don't want to sound like I am blaming everyone else for my problems and my choices. I know I'm the one who has gotten myself here. I know I screwed up a long time ago. I know I need to check my pride at the door and go to my parents and tell them I need their help. But I'm so ANGRY with them! I can't help feeling hurt and abandoned by them. I know I was a lot to deal with as a kid. I didn't make life easy on them. I guess they got burned out on their years of raising me. They're probably frustrated and sad that my problems didn't go away with age as we all hoped they would. But does that give them the right to completely ignore me now? Yeah, I'm a grown-A woman! I SHOULD act like one!! But I have no desire. I am so unmotivated. I don't want to get up in the morning. I feel hollow. There is nothing for me. I need someone to come to me. I can't do it. I have an older sister who tries. But.....I don't know why it's so hard for me with her. She is someone who really just does not get mental health and can be so incredibly insensitive about it. I don't know how to talk to her about it. It always ends up in a fight.
Maybe no one can help me. I'm too crazy. I'm too far gone. I won't accept anything or anyone. I know I should get back in therapy and talk with a counselor again regularly. But I don't think I can afford that, especially now. It is a very scary feeling to feel like you don't have support. I feel like I am on the brink of a big battle and that things are going to escalate and explode very soon. It's not going to be pretty but it's been coming for a long time and it needs to happen. For my own sanity.
This was too much. Sorry NOT sorry. I needed this off my chest. This song was written by Josh Groban about his own experiences battling anxiety and depression. I had NO IDEA he struggled with mental health!! It makes me feel a little less alone knowing that this incredible man, who I have LOVED and admired for years, struggles in a way similar to me. Not to mention he wrote a beautiful song about it that I deeply relate to and that also makes me feel a little bit more hopeful. I love him and this song so much! Mental health is so personal and individual that it is one of the most isolating experiences to go through, in my opinion. Songs like this are very special to me. I cling to them and listen to them over and over so I can feel connected to something. It makes me cry it's so powerful and beautiful!!
Some days I can't say why I'm feeling lonely
And some days I am too proud to ask for help
And I stumble through the noise trying to find some peace
A stranger in the crowd, I lose myself
So I walk down to the river
Where the troubles, they can't find me
Let the waters there remind me
The sun will be there when we wake
I walk down to the river
Though I might not understand it
It's not always as we planned it
But we grow stronger when we break
So I walk down to the river
I walk down to the river
This raging world can get so overwhelming
Looking for a meaning when it won't make sense
In my head it's getting loud like I can't outrun this cloud
No matter where I go well there I am
So I walk down to the river
Where the troubles, they can't find me
Let the waters there remind me
The sun will be there when we wake
I walk down to the river
Though I might not understand it
It's not always as we planned it
But we grow stronger when we break
So I walk down to the river
I walk down to the river
Let the calm pull me under
Far beyond the thunder
And tell me it will all be okay
Let the waves take all my worries
Conquer them with fury
Give me shelter, be my escape
I walk down to the river
Where the troubles, they can't find me
Let the waters there remind me
The sun will be there when we wake
I walk down to the river
Though I might not understand it
It's not always as we planned it
But we grow stronger when we break
So I walk down to the river
I walk down to the river
I walk down to the river
I walk down to the river, to the river
To the river
I walk down, oh oh oh oh
To the river, oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
Artist: Josh Groban
May is National Mental Health Awareness Month. I always want to celebrate...? (that doesn't feel like the appropriate word but IDK what else to say) this cause throughout the month, but am conflicted because May is also HANSON MONTH (for me)! And Hanson's music makes me much happier than music about depression and anxiety.....although I love songs about those topics as well since they are so relatable. Anyway, I absolutely have to post this beautiful song and give at least one shout out post to the cause because.....I am suffering. And today has been an especially difficult day. I know I talk about this all of the time and I'm sure people hate reading my rants where I am complaining about how sad my life is but ya know what? This is MY blog and MY space so I can say whatever I want! I express myself best through writing (and music, obviously) than any other way or form of communication. Writing my feelings out is helpful for me. So if you don't want to hear/read about my mental health crap then I suggest you leave this post ASAP!
Without getting too deep and personal, since I am quite anonymous here, I honestly and truly feel like I want to give up. I feel like I am drowning and there is no one there to save me. The people who I rely on and need the most right now (my parents) aren't here. Yes, I live with them. Yes, I see them every day. They see me. They see me isolate myself in my room for hours on end (sometimes for an entire day. Like I did today). I have not had a genuine, sincere talk with either of my parents in months. Any time we do talk it's over trivial things. Do you want to watch a movie? Do you want to play a game? Did you read this article? They used to be good at noticing when I started exhibiting certain behaviors and moods that something was up and it was time for a talk and to make some sort of plan to move forward. Now, I feel so ignored. I 100% feel they have given up on me. That they are thinking "Well, she's an adult. She needs to figure it out on her own. We've done our best." Trust me, I know I am an extremely difficult person to talk too. Especially when it comes to discussing my life and my "issues." I have been rude and disrespectful to my parents in the past. I have blown them off, ignored them and didn't follow through. I know I have hurt them and made them feel like I didn't want to talk to them. I feel awful about it. I have so much guilt over my past mistakes it makes me physically sick. BUT. At the end of the day.....I am their daughter. Their child. I don't feel like they should give up on their child. Regardless of age or circumstance I need them. I need them and they are not there. I have a brother who also battles mental health demons. My parents religiously contact him and talk to him at least weekly. He has a very open and honest relationship with them because they put in the effort to reach out and talk to him. I honestly feel, whether I'm wrong or not but this is how I feel, that they have not done this for me. Yes, I used to have long discussions with them where we would try to set some goals and figure things out. But even then, they usually never followed up with me. Months would go by before they would check in. And then, if something did happen that reminded them of our conversation, I would get the brunt of their frustration. I would be told to grow up and stop wasting time. That always helped motivate me to make a change.....😒 More like added fuel to my "I'm a pathetic human being" fire that is already tended to on the hour! I need consistent checking up on. I need someone to be my support team. When my brother had to take some time off from school and move back home due to his depression and suicidal thoughts, my parents met with him regularly, practically every day or at least once a week, making sure he was accomplishing the things they had discussed and being successful. They have not done this for me. I have another brother who is graduating high school and hasn't been making great life decisions recently (mostly in regards to our religion). My parents, again, regularly have one on one conversations with him. To help him. Especially when they see him, oh I don't know, isolating himself or skipping out on things. But they are NOT HELPING ME. My dad basically IGNORES me and my mom.....the only thing I can fault her on is that she is too nice. She wants to pretend like there isn't a serious problem. It's always all "Let's watch this show together! Let's bake this together! Let's meal plan together! Let's plan a mother-daughter trip!" THAT'S NOT WHAT I NEED!!!
UGH! I don't think I'm a narcissist. I don't want to sound like I am blaming everyone else for my problems and my choices. I know I'm the one who has gotten myself here. I know I screwed up a long time ago. I know I need to check my pride at the door and go to my parents and tell them I need their help. But I'm so ANGRY with them! I can't help feeling hurt and abandoned by them. I know I was a lot to deal with as a kid. I didn't make life easy on them. I guess they got burned out on their years of raising me. They're probably frustrated and sad that my problems didn't go away with age as we all hoped they would. But does that give them the right to completely ignore me now? Yeah, I'm a grown-A woman! I SHOULD act like one!! But I have no desire. I am so unmotivated. I don't want to get up in the morning. I feel hollow. There is nothing for me. I need someone to come to me. I can't do it. I have an older sister who tries. But.....I don't know why it's so hard for me with her. She is someone who really just does not get mental health and can be so incredibly insensitive about it. I don't know how to talk to her about it. It always ends up in a fight.
Maybe no one can help me. I'm too crazy. I'm too far gone. I won't accept anything or anyone. I know I should get back in therapy and talk with a counselor again regularly. But I don't think I can afford that, especially now. It is a very scary feeling to feel like you don't have support. I feel like I am on the brink of a big battle and that things are going to escalate and explode very soon. It's not going to be pretty but it's been coming for a long time and it needs to happen. For my own sanity.
This was too much. Sorry NOT sorry. I needed this off my chest. This song was written by Josh Groban about his own experiences battling anxiety and depression. I had NO IDEA he struggled with mental health!! It makes me feel a little less alone knowing that this incredible man, who I have LOVED and admired for years, struggles in a way similar to me. Not to mention he wrote a beautiful song about it that I deeply relate to and that also makes me feel a little bit more hopeful. I love him and this song so much! Mental health is so personal and individual that it is one of the most isolating experiences to go through, in my opinion. Songs like this are very special to me. I cling to them and listen to them over and over so I can feel connected to something. It makes me cry it's so powerful and beautiful!!
Some days I can't say why I'm feeling lonely
And some days I am too proud to ask for help
And I stumble through the noise trying to find some peace
A stranger in the crowd, I lose myself
So I walk down to the river
Where the troubles, they can't find me
Let the waters there remind me
The sun will be there when we wake
I walk down to the river
Though I might not understand it
It's not always as we planned it
But we grow stronger when we break
So I walk down to the river
I walk down to the river
This raging world can get so overwhelming
Looking for a meaning when it won't make sense
In my head it's getting loud like I can't outrun this cloud
No matter where I go well there I am
So I walk down to the river
Where the troubles, they can't find me
Let the waters there remind me
The sun will be there when we wake
I walk down to the river
Though I might not understand it
It's not always as we planned it
But we grow stronger when we break
So I walk down to the river
I walk down to the river
Let the calm pull me under
Far beyond the thunder
And tell me it will all be okay
Let the waves take all my worries
Conquer them with fury
Give me shelter, be my escape
I walk down to the river
Where the troubles, they can't find me
Let the waters there remind me
The sun will be there when we wake
I walk down to the river
Though I might not understand it
It's not always as we planned it
But we grow stronger when we break
So I walk down to the river
I walk down to the river
I walk down to the river
I walk down to the river, to the river
To the river
I walk down, oh oh oh oh
To the river, oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
The Story Behind the Song ðŸ˜ðŸ’œ
5/19/20
I almost LOST is when he talked about his dog!! 😠My eyes were definitely swimming! I feel the EXACT same way Josh!! I hope you're dog keeps kicking for a few more years (like mine!)
Josh Groban talks depression
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