Lifeline

Song: Lifeline
Artist: Papa Roach

I wrote some sort of twisted poem just now. It's a poem written by all the years of depression and anxiety I have lived through up to this point in my life. I'm sorry I can't start this year off on a light, positive, happy note. Because I feel dead and hollow and drained inside.

Here is what I wrote:

I feel like I killed myself.

I feel like I have been killing myself for the past 14 years.

14 years ago I was 13. I wasn't brave enough. Strong enough.

I stopped trying. I gave up. I left. And the slow, quiet death began.

I isolated myself from the world. From everyone.

I became a shadow; silent, barely visible, only showing up every once in a while. Then gone.

Every year I failed myself a little bit more. I failed everyone and anyone who believed in me.

Every year I fed the monster. The monster I was born with. The monster who lives inside of me.

I feel like I've finally reached my ultimate breaking point. The monster has consumed me.

I feel everything and I feel nothing. I fear everything, always.

I am past all hope. I am past dreaming. I am past believing. 

I am dead.

I've been dead inside for a long time.

When I was a boy
I didn't care about a thing
It was me and this world and a broken dream
I was blaming myself
For all that was goin' wrong

I was way out there
On the wrong side of town
And the ones that I loved
I started pushing 'em out
Then I realized
That it was all my fault

I've been looking for a lifeline
For what seems like a lifetime
I'm drowning in the pain
Breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

So I put out my hand
And I asked for some help
We tore down the walls I built around myself
I was struck by the light
And I fell to the ground

I've been looking for a lifeline
For what seems like a lifetime
I'm drowning in the pain
Breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

Is there anybody out there?
Can you pull me from this ocean of despair?
I'm drowning in the pain
Breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

You know a heart of gold
Won't take you all the way
And in a world so cold
It's hard to keep the faith
I'm never gonna fade away!

Yeah!

I've been looking for a lifeline
(I've been looking for a lifeline)
For what seems like a lifetime
(For what seems like a lifetime)
I'm drowning in the pain
Breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

Is there anybody out there?
(Is there anybody out there?)
Can you pull me from this ocean of despair?
I'm drowning in the pain
Breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline
(Looking for a lifeline)