If n' I Was God
Song: If n' I Was God
Artist: Michael Jackson
I feel really, really, really defeated, stressed, angry, depressed and just plain awful right now. I hate feeling like this. But unfortunately, it's pretty much the only way I know how to live. How to feel. Did you know I'm actually terrified right now because I don't think I love anyone? I don't believe I truly know what love is. What it feels like. How to love. I just feel angry all of the time. I feel so angry at everyone! Everyone is just annoying. I don't ever want to be around anyone ever. I don't know what to say when I'm around people. They always embarrass me or say something stupid. I feel awful that I feel this way, but .... I do. I just do, and I don't know what to do about it! It's a terrifying realtiy.
Ever since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to get married right away and have children. I was that little girl who absolutely loved playing with dolls. I've worked with children my entire life, it's all I know how to do. I wanted to get married at 21, just like my parents did. But then I turned 21 and was like "Heck no! I'm way to young to get married, are you kidding me!?" I decided 23 would be a better age. Then I turned 23 and I hadn't changed much. At least I'd gotten my driver's licence by then. And now here I am, two days away from turning 26 years old and marriage isn't even something people consider an option for me anymore. Marriage and me don't belong in the same sentence. Everyone is counting on my 21 year old younger sister to be the next one married and within the next year or so. No one says anything about me getting married anymore. Not even so much as getting a boyfriend. It hurts me, it really does. To sit around with my family and loved ones as they all discuss marriage and dating and relationships (there are a lot of YA's in my family right now) but all the talk is directed at my 21 year old sister (and even my 18 year old cousin and 19 year old brother!). But not the loser 26 year old. She's never even been on a date in her life! She has no chance, lost cause.
Honestly, because this has been the way it's been for such a long time now, I've given up on the idea of ever finding love or ever getting married. I've embraced the fact that I'm always going to be that awkward sister, aunt, daughter, etc. The crazy, fat single one who lives alone (or in my case, in her parents basement). Who is socially awkward and everyone feels sorry for. At this point, I can't even find it in my heart to have a desire to get married. I don't want to anymore. I don't even want children some days (some days I still do. I imagine having a baby so often and want it so badly it hurts sometimes). But, I truly believe it will never happen for me. And maybe that's made me bitter. Maybe that's why I feel like I hate everyone.
Sorry for the rambling above. My heart is just so heavy and I had to get some of that weight off my chest. The first time I head this song was actually in the 1973 movie Tom Sawyer. When I found this version, I was like "Hey, I know this song!" How random is that!? Michael's version is way better than the film's (sorry Tom). It's much more emotional and vulnerable (not to mention Michael's voice was perfection!). It's such a tender song. It just felt right to post in this moment. When I'm feeling so down and vulnerable. This song pulls on my heartstrings and makes me want to weep. I think a good cry is just what I will do/need right after I post this.
If'n I was God
Artist: Michael Jackson
I feel really, really, really defeated, stressed, angry, depressed and just plain awful right now. I hate feeling like this. But unfortunately, it's pretty much the only way I know how to live. How to feel. Did you know I'm actually terrified right now because I don't think I love anyone? I don't believe I truly know what love is. What it feels like. How to love. I just feel angry all of the time. I feel so angry at everyone! Everyone is just annoying. I don't ever want to be around anyone ever. I don't know what to say when I'm around people. They always embarrass me or say something stupid. I feel awful that I feel this way, but .... I do. I just do, and I don't know what to do about it! It's a terrifying realtiy.
Ever since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to get married right away and have children. I was that little girl who absolutely loved playing with dolls. I've worked with children my entire life, it's all I know how to do. I wanted to get married at 21, just like my parents did. But then I turned 21 and was like "Heck no! I'm way to young to get married, are you kidding me!?" I decided 23 would be a better age. Then I turned 23 and I hadn't changed much. At least I'd gotten my driver's licence by then. And now here I am, two days away from turning 26 years old and marriage isn't even something people consider an option for me anymore. Marriage and me don't belong in the same sentence. Everyone is counting on my 21 year old younger sister to be the next one married and within the next year or so. No one says anything about me getting married anymore. Not even so much as getting a boyfriend. It hurts me, it really does. To sit around with my family and loved ones as they all discuss marriage and dating and relationships (there are a lot of YA's in my family right now) but all the talk is directed at my 21 year old sister (and even my 18 year old cousin and 19 year old brother!). But not the loser 26 year old. She's never even been on a date in her life! She has no chance, lost cause.
Honestly, because this has been the way it's been for such a long time now, I've given up on the idea of ever finding love or ever getting married. I've embraced the fact that I'm always going to be that awkward sister, aunt, daughter, etc. The crazy, fat single one who lives alone (or in my case, in her parents basement). Who is socially awkward and everyone feels sorry for. At this point, I can't even find it in my heart to have a desire to get married. I don't want to anymore. I don't even want children some days (some days I still do. I imagine having a baby so often and want it so badly it hurts sometimes). But, I truly believe it will never happen for me. And maybe that's made me bitter. Maybe that's why I feel like I hate everyone.
Sorry for the rambling above. My heart is just so heavy and I had to get some of that weight off my chest. The first time I head this song was actually in the 1973 movie Tom Sawyer. When I found this version, I was like "Hey, I know this song!" How random is that!? Michael's version is way better than the film's (sorry Tom). It's much more emotional and vulnerable (not to mention Michael's voice was perfection!). It's such a tender song. It just felt right to post in this moment. When I'm feeling so down and vulnerable. This song pulls on my heartstrings and makes me want to weep. I think a good cry is just what I will do/need right after I post this.
If'n I was God
Well just for spite
I wouldn't set the sun at night
'Til everyone was treated right
By everyone else they see
I wouldn't set the sun at night
'Til everyone was treated right
By everyone else they see
If'n I was God
I'd fix it so without explaining
Folks would know, they'd know
What's going on inside
Of everyone else like me
I'd fix it so without explaining
Folks would know, they'd know
What's going on inside
Of everyone else like me
Nobody hurt nobody else
Oh no I wouldn't let it be
Nobody have a need to pray
Except for thanking me
Oh no I wouldn't let it be
Nobody have a need to pray
Except for thanking me
If'n I was God
I'd make us wise
So everyone can realize
That everywhere beneath the sun
Everyone needs, everyone
I'd make us wise
So everyone can realize
That everywhere beneath the sun
Everyone needs, everyone
And God, that ain't half what I would do
If'n were you
Oh yeah!
If'n I was God
I'd make us wise
Everybody touchin' everybody's hand, oh yeah!
Reach out and touch somebody's hand!
You got to, you got to love everybody!
You got to, you got to love everybody, yeah!!
You got to, you got to love everybody!
Yuu got to, you got to love everybody!
You got to, you got to love everybody!
You got to, you got to love everybody!
First time I ever heard this song....
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