Your Illusion

Song: Your Illusion
Artist: Hanson

I started the day feeling overwhelmed and wanting to give up. I started the day being so angry and feeling so alone and forgotten that I just wanted to disappear. I started the day wanting to stay locked away forever and never have to leave my bed because life is too hard and it's never going to get better! This was my song for the way I felt starting my day.

You say you want to kill yourself
It might make it just a little bit easier
You think you're the only one who hurts
Try looking just a little bit harder
I don't know why you're holding on
To the damage that's been done

'Cause you've got me wrapped up in your illusion
I keep on trying to change your conclusion
But you've got me wrapped up in your illusion
I keep on dying 'cause you're busy wasting life

Don't disguise your emptiness
By placing blame on me and everyone else
Protected by your safety nets
But you can't put the heart of your fears at rest
All I feel is deep regret for what you have become

Cause you've got me wrapped up in your illusion
I keep on trying to clear the confusion
But you've got me wrapped up in your illusion
I keep on dying 'cause you're busy wasting
I keep on trying 'cause you're busy wasting 

You're busy wasting life
You're busy wasting life

I cannot go on this way
I bring no consolation for you and your pain
No one else can change your fate
You'll have to do it for yourself

You've got me wrapped up in your illusion
I keep on trying to clear the confusion
But you've got me wrapped up in your illusion
I keep on dying 'cause you're busy wasting life

You're busy wasting life,
You're busy wasting life, you've got me wrapped up
You're busy wasting life, and I keep on trying
You're busy wasting life, you've got me wrapped up
You're busy wasting life, and I keep on dying 


But then I read from my Book of Mormon. Which led me to read this amazing talk:
"Lessons From Liberty Jail by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland." Where I read these uplifting and inspiring words of hope:

"These difficult lessons teach us that man’s extremity is God’s opportunity, and if we will be humble and faithful, if we will be believing and not curse God for our problems, He can turn the unfair and inhumane and debilitating prisons of our lives into temples—or at least into a circumstance that can bring comfort and revelation, divine companionship and peace."

"Whenever these moments of our extremity come, we must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. He does hear us. He does see us. He does love us. When we are in dire circumstances and want to cry, “Where art Thou?” it is imperative that we remember He is right there with us—where He has always been! We must continue to believe, continue to have faith, continue to pray and plead with heaven, even if we feel for a time our prayers are not heard and that God has somehow gone away. He is there. Our prayers are heard. And when we weep He and the angels of heaven weep with us."

"When lonely, cold, hard times come, we have to endure, we have to continue, we have to persist. .... Keep knocking on that door. Keep pleading. In the meantime, know that God hears your cries and knows your distress. He is your Father, and you are His child."

".... through it all, God is with us.

We are not alone in our little prisons here. When suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God than we’ve ever been in our entire lives. That knowledge can turn every such situation into a would-be temple."


And I remembered I am never alone. I know I don't suffer alone. I know that the Lord is on my side and He always has been! I know that Jesus Christ knows exactly how I feel because He felt it first. And that's why I have to keep trusting Him and keep having faith in Him to try, just try to get through this. God will help me get through this. I know He will. He always does. As I read Elder Holland's talk a peace and love of God came over me and for at least this moment, I feel healed. I feel the peace that I needed to feel. So that I can keep going. Keep pushing. Keep trying. And I found my answer in the same tender words given to our dear Prophet Joseph Smith when he felt alone and abandoned and distressed:

“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.” (D&C 121:7–8).

And now I feel peace :) But the above song is still beautiful and is a song I have felt very personally applies to my life more than once.