Save Me From Myself

Song: Save Me From Myself

Artist: Hanson

 

I'm having a really hard time right now. I just feel so sad and lonely and depressed about life. The other day while I was getting ready, I was thinking about my life and some conversations I had had recently and I just suddenly started crying. I just broke down and cried out some of the feelings I had kept bottled up so tightly inside my heart. It felt good but it was also surprising.

 

This song, the chorus at least, really applies to my life right now. I'm going to go through each part of the song and describe how it applies to me. If you read this whole thing, thank you. Thanks for listening.

 

 

Amelia was always the one for me but she, she wouldn’t stay
And on a fine day, I came home to find that she had sailed away

 Maybe I am broken, in some way I can say
‘Cause I don’t wanna change but Lord knows that I need some help
Won’t you save me from myself

 

(That chorus. "Maybe I am broken, in some way I can say." I feel like I am broken. Right now. In life. I have no life. And I am being blatantly told that from certain people. I don't appreciate the reminder, but it's also something I probably need. The wake up call that might just do the trick in helping me climb out of this deep hole I find myself in. So, yes, I am broken. And it's in some way that I can say. "Cause I don't wanna change but Lord knows that I need some help" Something about me, I HATE change. I wish change wasn't such an inevitable part of life. My hatred for change might be one reason I still live at home at 21 years old and why I still babysit as my "job" and I still can't drive a car. Because I hate change and fear the future. And the sad thing is, there is a part of me that doesn't want to change. I don't want to leave my family and move away. I don't want to miss out on future activities or events with my family. I love being at home with them. It brings me such sweet relief and peace. Whenever I am away from home for an extended period of time, I cannot even begin to describe the feeling I get when I can walk back inside my comfortable, familiar door and see my family. So, I don't want to change but I definitely need some help. The Lord knows that. I know that. My family knows that. I need help to ..... "Save me from myself" I need saving from myself. I am my biggest enemy, my worst critic. It's myself that is holding me back from chasing after my dreams and pursing my future. I am clearly living in a state of mind that is not functioning properly and doesn't know right from wrong. That doesn't know what is really good for me. I tell myself that staying at home with my family is what's good for me but in the back of my mind, I know it's not. I know that I need to move on. I know that because I find myself constantly feeling "annoyed" and uptight with my family members and that it would do me a world of good and bring me to a much deeper appreciation and love for my family if I was away from them. But I don't I want to leave them! Won't someone please save me from myself!?)

Cecilia with flowers in her hair was like the sun, she brought me the light
And I can’t tell you for the life of me why I would choose to let it burn it out
 

I wish I was numb, alone here in my cell
 Something in my heart is making me not feel so well
Won’t you save me from myself

 

("I wish I was numb, alone here in my cell" I wish that I didn't feel sometimes. I wish that I didn't love my family as much as I do. I wish I didn't have so much fear in my life. Sometimes I just wish I was "numb" to all feeling because it would make it so much easier to just leave. Leave my family. Face my future. I have also created an invisible cell that I am living in. I am a creature that has been caged in and is watching from the outside people all around me change and move on with their lives. But not me. I sit here in my cell, alone. Wishing I was void of all feeling. So that I could open the door and run away into the sunset on an adventure. But I can't. "Something in my heart is making me not feel so well" What could that be? Fear. Love. Anger. Sadness. Bitterness. The answer? All of the above and then some. "Won't you save me from myself?" Save me from my thoughts. Save me from all the fear that I keep inside. Save me from my pride that won't allow me to do things with my life (like get my driver's licence because I'm so ashamed of not having one that I don't want people at the DMV knowing that a 21 year old can't drive).)

I get no sleep ‘cause I’m all alone
Like a living shadow where there once was bone
One cut deep and the other went sour
And no one’s to blame but I feel so shattered

 

("I get no sleep cause I'm all alone" I don't sleep well. Because at night I have a lot of time to think. To think of how lonely I am. "Like a living shadow where there once was bone." Wow. I absolutely love that phrase "like a living shadow." That's me. I am a living shadow, hiding myself from life and people and opportunities. When I was young, I was pretty fearless. I LOVED being with friends. I feel like I was much braver as a kid than I am now. When I "once had bone" Courage. Maybe that's why I so desperately wish I could go back in time and just be a kid again. Because life was so good back then. I was happy with who I was. I was always wanting to try something new. I was brave. "One cut deep and the other went sour" It's like describing the two people that I am, or was. One was fearless, adventurous and full of life, "cut deep." The other, me now, is scared of everything, likes to take the easy way, is just trying to get by and seem as normal as possible. But I have a really bad attitude and outlook on life, "I went sour." "And no one's to blame but I feel so shattered" It's true. I have NO ONE to blame for my problems than myself. I did this to myself. And "shattered" is really the perfect word to use to describe how I feel. Shattered. Broken. A mess. And there's no one to blame but myself.)

 Maybe I am lying still inside my shell
‘Cause I keep making waves and falling victim to the swell
Won’t you save me from myself

 

("Maybe I am lying still inside my shell" I absolutely am! I am not trying to move forward. It's comfortable and nice right now. So I'm going to just lie very, very still and hope no one will see me and try to take it away from me. This can actually go two ways. When I think "all is good, I still have time to waste here. I'll do something with my life later" I'm just telling myself a big, fat LIE while crawling deeper and deeper inside my shell of lies. "Cause I keep making waves and falling victim to the swell" Beautiful use of symbolism here. I keep allowing myself to fall victim to the waves and storms of life, rather than trying to fight against them and win. I just allow myself to be drowned and defeated. "Won't you save me from myself?")