Michael and Me Part 6
It surprised me to read about how lonely Michael Jackson felt during his life. It surprised me to read (and even observe for myself) how shy Michael Jackson was. It surprised me to learn that he suffered from anxieties. It surprised me and comforted me at the same time. Loneliness, shyness and anxiety are things that I have suffered, and still do suffer with. To know that one of the most famous people to ever live suffered with these same issues makes me feel better about them for some reason. And I respect him even more for it.
Ever since I can remember, I have been extremely shy. I have always felt very uncomfortable in my own skin. It doesn't matter if I'm around people I've known for years (even extended family members) I still get so nervous and shy around them. I'm worried I must come off as snobbish and stuck up because of it. Things like school, basketball, dance classes, church and church activities, parties, family get togethers, family reunions, etc. have been painful for me. Anything social, really. For example, this past weekend we had some extended family members staying with us. It wasn't terrible, but I could never quite feel completely comfortable and at ease. I was always concerned about how I looked, what I said, that I would get caught alone with them and have to have a one-on-one conversation about my life or even worse, be put on the spot in front of the whole group (I have a rather large family)! It's especially difficult when the rest of my family (like all my siblings) are really fun, funny and outgoing. It makes me stand out even more. Because I'm so different. Because I'm so shy.
I hate that word! Shy....it's always been the word that describes me. Other people describe me that way and I hate it! I remember being really young, like first or second grade, and my class was looking at a poster that described different emotions. I remember noticing the one that said shy. The picture was of a little girl who just looked miserable and scared. I remember thinking "That's me." And I felt awful! About myself! Because I was shy. :( How terrible! It would break my heart to know of a young child thinking that way about themselves, yet that was me. I specifically remember a time when I was in third grade that a boy teased me about being shy. We were standing in line waiting to go inside after recess and he came up to me and started saying things like "Why don't you ever talk? Are you a baby? Do you not know how to talk?" I was mortified! I wanted to cry! Thankfully, there were some kind girls who told him to stop and then told the teacher about it. But that experience stuck with me and always reminded me of how different I was. That there was something "wrong" with me.
But my shyness is much more than just that, being shy. I suffer from something even more extreme, Social Anxiety. It's an intense fear of other people. The constant fear of being judged. Social Anxiety has robbed me of living a carefree, normal, happy and fulfilling life! I'm trying so hard to overcome it and move forward. But it is a cage that has me locked in so tightly! I feel suffocated by it sometimes. It terrifies me! I'm terrified of never actually going through with getting my license that I've worked so hard for, that I will never get married because who would want to live with someone like me? Someone who is scared of her own shadow? I don't feel I could ever be loved and accepted for being who I am. :(
With Social Anxiety (and anxiety in general), there also comes loneliness. Oh, how terribly lonely I feel sometimes. Even with this blog, that I have had for over a YEAR, that I had hoped would connect me to people even if it's only via a computer screen. It hasn't. How I yearn for the days of my childhood when I had friends. Before my siblings, who are my best friends, had to grow up and move away. How I crave to have friendships and relationships, yet at the same time fear them. I cherish the relationships I share with my siblings but to be honest, once they move away (I have had three of my siblings move on with their lives and leave home, two of which are younger than me) I feel a distance. We don't seem to be the same together anymore. There is a change. And it breaks my heart. The relationships I share with children are so special and sweet to me. As you know, I love and adore children. They see me for who I am and they accept me. I have never felt judged by a child. They are so open and honest with their feelings. They seem to understand me. I can be completely myself with them. But even then, I know these relationships will end. And I miss them terribly when they do. When I no longer get to be in their sweet presence anymore.
UGH! Sorry, this is turning into a sob fest. Michael Jackson, the world's most famous, loved and adored man suffered severely from some of these same things. It is amazing to me how much I can relate to someone like him. There are differences of course, he could perform for an audience when I could never dream of doing such a thing. But the things I have read or heard him say, touch my heart so deeply because I understand. I have observed his body language, facial expressions, the tone of his voice and can just tell he is so uncomfortable sometimes! I can tell, because I have been there! I know what it feels like. I wish I could have met Michael. That I could have talked to him about these things. I'm sure we would have understood each other so well.
Michael Jackson's Shyness
Very soft spoken and sweet interview :)
Sorry about all the distracting words in the video above :/ But please observe Michael here. The way he keeps his sunglasses on. The way he is constantly shifting his gaze or his body position. How he doesn't always look at the host when he's being spoken too. His soft spokeness. His short answers. The way he smiles and laughs when trying to answer a question (something I do myself so often). All of those things are things that I relate to because I do them myself. He must be feeling so nervous and uncomfortable! I love the ending though, when the children come out! You can just see Michael light up and feel so much better about being there!
Pay attention to the way the people are describing his behavior....
Mark 2:09 where he says "This is so embarrassing!" And covers his face is so something I would do! I can't stand watching myself! And I could just tell Michael was feeling so awkward watching this back!
"I'm shy....I'm embarrassed."
I love the beginning of this video! Michael is so shy :) The way he doesn't look at Lionel Richie while he shakes his hand, how he makes Lionel speak first, his soft-spoken, short, sweet and to the point speech :)
Michael Jackson's Loneliness/Sadness
So sad but relateable. I love that he mentioned that his children helped alleviate some of his loneliness.
:(
SUCH a good song! An accurate description of what it's like to be lonely. Michael must have known first hand :( This song is very relateable to me. I will have to do another post dedicated to this song at some point.
I can relate to when he said he can see or hear something and it will affect him for a long time. That is the same with me as well. I can be very affected by things that happen to me or that I hear about. They stay with me. I think that people like me and Michael, who are shy, are more sensitive to other people and their feelings. I really do. Michael was a very sensitive and loving person because he was so deeply touched and affected by things like children and violence and war.
Shy Pictures of Michael Jackson :)
 |
Haha, cute
|
 |
Awww <3
|
The late American president
Ronald Reagan kept a journal for many years in which he commented on the
interesting people he met. Of Michael’s meeting with the president he said he
was, “surprised at how shy” he was.
 |
♥ "He was very gentle and seemed shy.
I got the sense he had a deep love for children, especially those who’d been
hurt. Then he crouched down and said ‘Hello, ...Angela’. She couldn’t talk,
because she’d just come out of a coma, but she started smiling. After that day,
she started to get better. I think of him as an inspiration. We’d been having a
terrible time – Angela was in hospital and I’d been ringing Lifeline to keep
myself together, but he was a total inspiration for the whole ward. I thought:
‘Thank God for sending him’. He just had a presence about him – this great
empathy with people who needed to get better." - Helen Darlington, Mother
of Angela, the Girl Michael visited in a Melbourne Children’s Hospital, 1987
|
“I met Michael more than 20 years ago; I
went to teach him meditation at Neverland. He was very shy, very introverted,
but very curious about consciousness and spirituality. You know, while the
world called him weird, he wondered why the world was so weird. He’d ask me,
Why do people go to war? Why is there genocide? What’s happening in Sudan? Why
have we killed the environment? Why is there racism and bigotry and hatred and
prejudice? We talked about starving children in Mumbai, and he would start to cry. Or we'd start to talk about the trophy-hunting in Canada or the grizzly bear, and he would start to cry. In his mind, the world was psychotic." - Deepak Chopra
 |
I can just feel how embarrassed/awkward he must be feeling in these pics...I've been there too Micahel!
|
 |
Hahaha! He looks so awkward here! Like he's nervously approaching that lady to ask her something. I feel like I have made that same pose a time or two as well....
|
Shy Pictures of Micahel Jackson - Lip Biting
One thing I've noticed about Michael is the way he bites his lip! It's something I do too!
This video demonstrates just how often Michael would bite or lick his lips, which is something I do when I have to talk a lot and am nervous. The licking lips thing is because my lips (and throat) get really dry for some reason so I have to swallow a lot and lick my lips to keep them moist....weird, I know, but apparently Michael had to do it too! To watch the full interview click HERE.
Shy Pictures of Michael Jackson - Hair & Sunglasses
I have also noticed that Michael, especially in the late 90's/early 2000's, would have his hair in his face a lot of the time. I believe this is because he was very self-conscious about his appearance and being a naturally shy and sensitive person, used his hair as a sort of "shield" against the cameras and public (that and his sunglasses)....
Sorry about this extremely long-winded post, but this is something very personal to me and one of the major reasons I feel such a strong connection to Michael. I feel like there is someone I can look too and know that they felt what I'm feeling and that I'm not alone in this struggle. (I would recommend watching this interview. Very eye-opening and honest interview with Michael). I love you and miss you Michael! You are an inspiration to me!!
*If you're interested in viewing any past posts referring to my personal struggles with anxiety and lonlieness click on a link below.*
Comments
Post a Comment